[worldsapart]

The usual - old member going anon for privacy reasons.

We recently found out we are pregnant with our fourth child. I am 5.5 weeks along. Our three children are aged between almost 5 yrs and 14 months. This is an unplanned pregnancy. My husband does not want another baby AT ALL. I have reservations about having another baby but don't know that I could willingly go through with a termination - not without immense regret anyway. I am pro choice and have had a termination in the past that I believe was the right thing for me to do. However, this situation is different as I am with the person I want to share my life with and we already have children which makes it easier for me to imagine what a fourth child might be like.

We never ever entertained the idea of having four children and I find it hard to picture my life with so many children in it, to be honest. Having said that I am already really excited at the idea of another. I have imagined how we could set up the car seats in our car to accommodate them all, I've written pregnancy milestones in my calender eg .8 wks, 12wks. I've thought about the way the kids rooms could fit them all. I've noticed other mothers with four children and imagined being like them. I've imagined how we could tell our own kids the news - our eldest would be thrilled!

On the other hand I worry about upsetting our family dynamic. Our two eldest are the absolute best of friends who both dote on their baby brother. I worry that their relationships to one another may be strained by adding another sibling into the mix. Also, our baby is growing up and becoming easier, our eldest has just started prep... It's finally time for our middle child to shine and get the attention she deserves. Plus, having 3 children under 4 yrs old was really tough. Our youngest was pretty sick for a large portion of his first year which made him (and us) feel quite miserable.

My husband feels he has nothing left to give to another child. He feels he doesn't have enough quality time with our children as it is. He is just completely and utterly drained and completely believes that another child would break him. My husband would not say this unless he was at beaking point. He is truly a remarkable person who has put up with so much and asked for so little. He always puts me and the children first so I completely understand that he is feeling trapped and desperate. I guess our relationship has always taken a back seat to the children, which hasn't helped. He told me tonight that the men he works with who have larger families are struggling with the demands of family life. He says he wants to protect the family that we already have.

I have been a mixture of tears and sadness when thinking I will terminate and then feeling energised and positive when I think I'll keep the baby. I am still unsure as to how to tackle this situation. I don't think i could bring a child into our family that wasn't wanted, I couldn't imagine having a child without my husband's support, but I think I'll forever hold the sadness of wondering about our fourth child if we terminate. I don't want to end up feeling resentful.

We are in our mid-late 30s.


Has anyone else been in a similar situation? What was the outcome?
Also, can anyone recommend a good counselling service to help us through this.

Thank you

This post has been edited by worldsapart: 17/05/2013, 10:05 PM

[soontobegran]

I am sorry for your situation

I have to say we had a similar dilemma when we found ourselves with number 5 very unexpectedly.
We had our 4 children in 4 years, we had just bought a new car and put an extension on our home to house our family of 6. We had just got it to lock up stage and wham I was pregnant,
We were frightened by the the prospect, we both needed to work to maintain our lifestyle, we had not factored in the need for me to have more maternity leave which back then meant no pay or BB and our little family of 4 girls seemed so perfect.

I took the news quite badly, my DH took 12 hours before he could even talk about it and when we did there was a fleeting moment when termination crossed our minds because we simply didn't think we had the ability to care for another child but deep down I was already imagining this future child, I put a face to it, I was secretly really happy but I couldn't be happy if both of us were going to be.

I rang my obstetrician and asked if I could come in to talk but the receptionist put him on the line instead and I told him what had happened and his response was that he would do whatever we wanted but that he would find it difficult to terminate a beautiful B baby and that was it.

When DH got home from work we just looked at each other and started to laugh and decided then and there that would would welcome this new baby no matter what and we did.
Financially things were hard, I went back to work earlier than I really wanted to but our little guy did not detract from our family, he did not upset the dynamic, his sisters loved him and I can not imagine life without him. All the concerns that DH and I had were unfounded, we just made do.

It is a big decision OP, one that I totally understand and have a great deal of empathy for you having to make but for us it did become an easy one. As for finding the time, it just happens OP.

[Tobias'smum]

We have 1 DS and we love him to bits and at this stage are happy with one if i was to take a test tomorrow and i was pregnant in all honesty we would highly likely go with a termination for us it financial / dynamic reasons , i would nt have leave DH job doesnt earn enough and we have had to ask for help in the past year financially from family.

While like you i might go what if ---I would rather regret a child that was not here than one that was ( IYKWIM).

When i was younger i had a termination - so glad i did i would be stuck with my ex's screwed up family

I hope you can come to a decision that you are BOTH comfortable/ ok with

[mini mac]

oh dear worldsapart...



I am way out of my depth here... We have two under two and that is enough right now even thought we both really want more.. If this were me in your shoes, I don't know what i would do if DH and I weren't on the same page...

I just wanted to say I feel for you and good luck with talking with your husband and I hope you can agree on an outcome that is 'right' for you and your family!

All I can suggest, is don't let finances be a big deciding factor. Everyone I know that has had more children than they intended, yes, they have been stretched that bit further but they are happier than so many others and have always managed to make ends meet...

[trishalishous]

All I can suggest, is don't let finances be a big deciding factor. Everyone I know that has had more children than they intended, yes, they have been stretched that bit further but they are happier than so many others and have always managed to make ends meet...

I agree.
Good luck op

[norageo]

Good Luck with whatever you decide, OP.

I fell pregnant unexpectedly with a third when my youngest was 5. I wanted to cry as soon as I saw the stick. We'd just took out a loan to purchase a new car and do some renovations on our home, I was well settled back into work now my youngest was school aged and tbh, I didn't feel thrilled about the idea of another pregnancy and going back to the baby stage now my daughter was going to school and I was concerned about finances and how I'd afford a third set of school fees, we'd given away all the baby stuff etc. But at the same time, while I am 110% pro choice, the thought of terminating my son and daughter's potential sibling made me feel uneasy iykwim when we could have found a way to make it work by tightening up the belt buckle and cutting out luxuries.

DH was really excited about the idea of having the baby, I felt termination was the best and we spent a few days unsure what to do.

As it turns out, I miscarried a few days after we learned about the pregnancy, so 'fate' made our decisions for us, but I can relate to what a hard time this must be. Good Luck OP.

[piper-jane]

Biggest of hugs Op. When your husband says he has no more to give and he's feeling stretched to the max as it is - boy that's a tough one. Since you are already picturing the baby, a termination could be very difficult for you emotionally.

I've had a termination, and despite my pro-choice beliefs, and the fact that is was the right thing to do, I still grieve the loss.

Really difficult situation you're in- choosing between your own grief and suffering should you choose to terminate, and your husband's mental well being. Whose suffering would be the worst is what it comes down to. My heart goes out to you. A few more long discussions and tears shed with your dh will be forthcoming no doubt.

Sorry, I've no advice, just want to express my sympathy.

[Alina0210]

Personally I couldn't do it.... Id keep the baby. My thinking is that in 10yrs would I regret a 9yr old child or would I regret/feel sad about this baby that never was..... And would is make my feeling towards my husband change as he 'made' me give up the baby etc.... This last reason I have seen first hand happening.

[JustBeige]

Coming from an outsiders POV (my BF went through the same thing) You both need to go and get some counselling. The family planning clinics have them and will be able to help you both.

Neither of you want to live with resentments of each other. These will destroy your marriage.

Good luck with your decision.

[*lightning]

I unexpectedly fell pregnant with baby number four and was a bit nervous when those two lines showed up on the test. A fourth means we need a new car, one on one attention for each child can be challenging, you need to stretch money further, going back to the baby stage can be stressful but that depends on your baby. Luckily our fourth child turned out to just like the other three and sleeps beautifully.

We never talked about termination and when I told my DH the test result he smiled. He was more relaxed about it than I was.

I haven't found four kids much different to when we had three. We budget, try and share the attention around but we are happy.

If you are picturing your baby and are happy a termination might make you resent your DH. I think you should both sit down and talk about it. I understand your DH being worn out and imagine I would feel the same way if I found out I was pregnant with number five.

I think going from 2 kids to 3 made a bigger impact on our family dynamic then going from 3 to 4.