[Bksa]

Hi all,

I am a long time stalker, very infrequent poster (but a big fan of EB). I'm wondering if you can help me with my problem.

I had a beautiful DD four months ago, my first, and it has changed my life quite considerably. My difficulty lies with my husband now doing almost no housework.

DH and I work in the same industry, very demanding (stressful and time consuming). He usually goes to work around 8am and is home by about 6:30pm. He usually also has a few hours of work to do on the weekend (maybe 3 on average).

DH has never really been one to show initiative when it comes to housework - ie before DD was born I had to set two hours aside on a saturday, and call it "cleaning time". During this time we would both clean the house, however not before he would ask me what I would like cleaned. The response is always the same (ie what is dirty!) I am not a cleanaholic, I simply would like the bathrooms done once a week, sheets washed, kitchen cleaned, a vacuum, sweep and mop, and a bit of a tidy.

If I did not organise this 'cleaning time', I believe he would not clean until things got really filthy.

Since DD was born, he pretty much does none of this. The washing, untidiness etc has picked up but he is doing less. I have asked him to help me, given him examples of things he could do (ie if there is washing on the line, take it off the line!) but he NEVER does any of it without me nagging him.

I HATE nagging. It makes me angry, and the situation goes from a fairly lighthearted "can you do x please" to "why can't you see that there no bin liner in the bin?". It ranges from not changing the toilet roll/bin liner - to not doing any washing etc. This builds to a point where I get REALLY upset, and he spends 'some' time cleaning.

During the week I do the dishes daily (although we have a dishwasher so that's no big deal - just big items), usually do a load of washing, and make the bed at a minimum. I will also tidy at the end of the day as DD and I play with a lot of toys. He will either cook the dinner or bathe DD while I cook.

Today I left early to go for a 1.5 hour walk with my friend so I could do some exercise without DD. He called me and told me he was walking to a cafe for breakfast and I should meet him there. No worries but we get home after that and he hasn't done anything to help me. Making the bed only takes 1 minute! DD's nappy is sitting on top of a bin without a liner in it.

Anyway apologies for the long post - I am at the end of my tether and really would like some opinions on how to change this?

He is otherwise a lovely and hardworking husband, and will do some housework when prompted about 50 times, but I am SICK of doing this!

It's really upsetting me. I don't want to have to get upset on a weekly basis to get him to do anything.

Thanks in advance for any help you can offer.

[amabanana]

If you can afford it I would get a cleaner.

[*Spikey*]

Divide the housework into clearly delineated tasks.

So, every Saturday, your DH does the vacuuming. End of story - one end of house to other.

You do other stuff, like cleaning bathrooms.

He does his laundry, the sheets and towels, you do yours and baby stuff.

Put a schedule up for who is cooking on what nights - and who cleans up.

Yes, DH and I have been doing this for years, and it works quite well. We don't have to ask each other what needs to be done, because we only have to do our 'set' chores.

That being said, we will occasionally break out and do spring cleaning stuff, but that's on top of the standards.

Good luck.

[ImpatientAnna]

If you can afford it I would get a cleaner.

I would put it to him as 'lift your game or hire a cleaner'.

[scooty]

My DH is pretty much just like yours. I work 2 days a week and he has the 2 boys for those 2 days and I take over for the other 5, so we never have a day off together.

WHen I'm at home, I'm running around getting everything done and getting organised for my few days at work, all the while cleaning up from the last few days I worked. He does absolutly no chores and the house looks like a tornado hit after just 2 days of working!

You know what, I have accepted that I can only do so much and that he will never change, no matter how much nagging I would have put into getting more help. He complains sometimes that the house is messy, then I let him know just what I think! If he wants to not help, then he has to accept the consequences, as I'm no superwoman. I can not work and maintain a 'display' type house, when he plays no part in helping this to happen. I keep it hygenic as possible and tidy up everynight, with at least one day (usually the day before I go back to work) off from a late night of cleaning and tidying.

He also says we can hire a cleaner, but I refuse to get one, just because he's too lazy to help do some dishes, hang out the washing or take out the rubbish!

[twinboys]

Just to clarify - are you home during the week or have you gone back to work??

If you are home during the week then yes more cleaning will fall onto you.
You said he cooks most nights?
I would be happy with this and as a PP suggested one major chore like the vacuuming or bathrooms on the weekends

If you are both working then yes he needs to get back into the division of cleaning.

[mintjoolips]

Have you gone back to work?

If not I think him cooking most nights plus vacuuming on weekends is pretty good.

[halcyodays]

I find writing out a list of chores that need to be done on a daily/weekly/monthly basis and then going through it together really helps. If your DH means well and is kind etc it will really open his eyes to how much actually needs to be done. Then decide who does which job and leave it at that.
If it's really important that a certain job is done, take it on yourself. If you don't mind if it isn't done or is done badly, leave it to your DH. Don't nag, or "remind" DH to do it. Just leave the list somewhere where he can refer to it easily. It is time consuming, but works for us.

There comes a time when hiring a cleaner helps- even for a few months when things get busy for you.

[SnazzySass]

Pick a time when you are not angry and can have someone else look after the baby for a while if you can so that you are not distracted. Note down on paper some things that make you angry and why they make you angry. Be specific. Ask him to listen to you without interrupting. When you are finished give him some time, few hours or a day, to think about what you have said and don’t bring it up again until the time you agreed upon to talk about it. When he comes back to you with his thoughts don’t interrupt him and try not to be angry. If you need time to digest what he has said take it and come back to the discussion when you are not angry if you are. Work out a plan on paper based on that and both agree to it. Agree also on how you can address it if either one of you breaks the agreement eg it is ok to say “hey you agreed to do the dishes can you please do them” or whatever phrase you feel comfortable with. This is so that you both don’t get angry when the intention is not to anger, nag or shame. Stick to your side of the bargain. Let your DH do a weekend of childcare to see what it is like, the whole weekend including the nights. Go elsewhere if you can or invite someone over and watch movies or something, he can bring the baby to you for feeds but if he goes to the loo or tries to eat lunch he does it with the baby. It is a job just as much as his work is a job.

When DP and I were going through this I said that looking after DS was a full time job. I needed him to help me and take initiative. I said that when DP didn’t do the dishes I felt like he didn’t respect me because it had been agreed that I cooked he washed for most of our relationship. I felt that when he didn’t take it upon himself to clean the bathroom that he didn’t respect me and the work I did looking after DS because he thought it was ok to ask me to do my fulltime chilcare job and all of the housekeeping when he only did his full time job. and if he didn’t respect me I felt that he couldn’t love me which is what made me so angry not really that the task hadn’t been done. DP said that he really didn’t have the same conception of dirty and if I told him what to do he would do it but that he couldn’t figure it out himself so we agreed upon a rota where he did more of the cleaning and I did more of the tidying because at the time I didn’t have the energy to scrub the floor but he did. We also got a cleaner fortnightly which probably saved our relationship and certainly save my sanity. A year on and we do cleaning 50/50 and do what the other asks us to do without feeling put upon or angry.

[littlemissmessy]

I can count on the fingers of one hand the amount of times my DH has cooked dinner since we had DS - and DS is almost two. I get no help with housework at all, despite working casually through the week, but my DH has plenty to say about the house being unkempt. It's alright for men, their day seems to end when they come home from work. It's a different matter for a woman, it's out to work, then home to work and be a mum and do everything else as well. I think we have a darn right to nag at times. My Dh makes me so mad sometimes I want to kick his butt. LOL. So yes, I do think your hubby should help out a bit with the chores.