[sne]

My husband and I haven't had contact with his mother in a year in a half because she was very nasty about us getting married with 6 days notice so none of our parents were there. We moved to Australia in January 2012 (she lives here) and haven't seen her. She has never met our daughter and met our son once. We talked about giving her another chance and both decided we're open to it. But we feel we need to set some stipulations in place before hand so have decided to write her a letter. What does everyone think??

Mum

DW and I have been talking. We have decided we want to try again in our relationship with you. You are the only living grandmother our children have and we feel sad that they don’t know you. We still feel hurt and upset with the way you reacted to our marriage, but are willing to put that behind us for the sake of our children.

There will have to be stipulations regarding our contact. Its up to you whether you choose to accept them and have contact with us and our children. Or not and things stay as they are.

· No drama, bullsh*t, crying etc.

· Leave the past in the past

· Mutual respect

· No name calling or commenting on other family members

· We don’t want to see DH's sister


· It stays off facebook

[#B#]

My husband and I haven't had contact with his mother in a year in a half because she was very nasty about us getting married with 6 days notice so none of our parents were there. We moved to Australia in January 2012 (she lives here) and haven't seen her. She has never met our daughter and met our son once. We talked about giving her another chance and both decided we're open to it. But we feel we need to set some stipulations in place before hand so have decided to write her a letter. What does everyone think??

Mum

DW and I have been talking. We have decided we want to try again in our relationship with you. You are the only living grandmother our children have and we feel sad that they don’t know you. We still feel hurt and upset with the way you reacted to our marriage, but are willing to put that behind us for the sake of our children.

There will have to be stipulations regarding our contact. Its up to you whether you choose to accept them and have contact with us and our children. Or not and things stay as they are.

· No drama, bullsh*t, crying etc.

· Leave the past in the past

· Mutual respect

· No name calling or commenting on other family members

· We don’t want to see DH's sister


· It stays off facebook

If I received something like that I wouldn't reply.

Why doesn't your husband just call her? The letter is far too harsh and you are treating her like a child

What about something like,

Dear Mum,

we have decided to leave things in the past and would like to invite you to meet your grandchildren and have a relationship with you.

Look forward to hearing from you

xo

This post has been edited by #B#: 02/02/2013, 11:26 AM

[Jemstar]

If I received a letter like that I'd tell you to **** off.

I can't imagine why she would have been upset about you getting married with 6 days notice and being unable to be there...

[Sinister Bonnet]

Wow. Yeah I'd be telling you to eff off as well.

[Nora.]

That would p*ss me off if I was your MIL. I would be hurt if my children got married without me being there too. I think we forget that they love us and want to be included in the important events.

Dear Mum,

we have decided to leave things in the past and would like to invite you to meet your grandchildren and have a relationship with you.

Look forward to hearing from you

xo

I think this is a much better way to reach out. Don't treat her like a child, even if she has behaved like one in the past. It's patronising.

[sne]

We don't have her phone numbers. She has debt collectors after her (we've had them calling us looking for her). To be honest she acts like a child and we feel she will continue to do so if we don't put our foot down at the beginning.

[niggles]

I think he should call, or send a much shorter letter. Tellling her there will be rules without saying what they are is not going to invite a fresh start that lets go of past hurts.

Personally I think if you want to give her a chance you have to be prepared to trust that she will behave decently. Hard to say without knowing what your stipulations are but it suggests you don't expect her to know how to behave.

Instead of rules or stipulations (which are pointless for an adult, it's not like you can enforce them) how about communicating your wants and expectations? Then she can decide if that sounds like something she can give.

[countrymel]

That is a pretty harsh letter.

I'm sure she is a right royal pain in the backside but those things don't need to be laid out on paper in the first communication in 18+ months.

I think PP is right in suggesting your husband just calls her.

Get the lay of the land first, I really don't think that letter isn't going to build any bridges, only set fire to the ones that are already broken!

[emnut]

That letter is the height of rudeness & disrespect. It sounds to me like you are both being childish and unreasonable in response to her probably inappropriate response to being hurt at not getting to attend her son's wedding. Then to add the part about not having contact with the sister (that is likely to be construed as making a parent choose between children) - no words really

[Shooz]

From your post OP I think it's obvious there has been more going on than just her reaction to your surprise wedding which I think most parents would feel hurt at being excluded from. You make no concession to her feelings in your letter and you may not feel she deserves this but I think if you want to try to build a relationship again then sending a letter which basically states all her wrongdoing whilst not suggesting that anything you did may have contributed will likely just get her back up. Why not offer a genuine olive branch let bygones be bygones and try to move forward without apportioning blame.