[Moo point]

I’m not sure where I’m going with this, so I apologise in advance for waffling.

I am really struggling. My DS is an adorable, energetic bundle of joy – to everyone else. I am feeling nothing but anxiety, resentment and frustration, and I don’t know why. I’ve never been the most patient person, and I did wonder how motherhood would affect me, but I can’t seem to find any joy when I was told that things get easier from 6 months. I actually found the constant baby attachment in the first few months easier (maybe because DS was less mobile, less grizzly and it was only for a short time).

DS sleeps through the night, has done from around 4 months – down by around 8.30pm, one wake up for a feed between 4 and 6am, and back to sleep until 7/8am. He is fully breastfed, plus started on some solids at 5.5 months. The thing is, he has never figured out how to drink from a bottle, and has only recently started being able to drink from a sippy cup, so he has been tied to me since birth. I was excited to be able to breastfeed, and would be quite happy to keep doing so, except that even at 7 months he is still feeding so frequently. Yesterday was insane – I spent half the day on the couch with him attached to me, he fed roughly every 1.5 hours, and refused solids the last couple of days (not that he eats more than a tablespoon twice a day anyway). He hasn’t put on any weight in a month, but has started commando crawling, has 3 teeth, is more vocal, is pulling himself to sit up, so I just assume his nutrition is going toward these and I am taking him to the GP next week to check.

But the resentment I am feeling at being tied to him is building. And when he won’t eat solids, or more rightly when he throws it on the floor, it makes me angry. I know it’s not his fault, but so many little things are getting to me. The food refusal (and it’s not what I’m making, he doesn’t even want to taste anything), the constant rolling over when trying to change him, the pinching/hitting/eye gouging when holding him, the distracted breastfeeding, the taking 2 hours to feed and go to bed of a night time, the 40 minute catnaps, the mess of vomit, milk, food and drool – I’m so over it. And when he is being cute, and playful, and learning new things, I feel so guilty for having felt bad in the first place. On more than one occasion I’ve been reduced to tears simply because he is grizzling, and commando crawling toward me demanding to be picked up. The instinctive need he has for me is overwhelming.

I am going back to work part time in March, working from home with either mum or the inlaws looking after him but I’ll be there to feed him. DH has expressed a desire to have him for a day on his own, more than once, but that has been impossible with DS not taking a bottle. Now that he’ll drink from a sippy cup that is one less issue. However, DH still wants him to have breastmilk and I have been expressing, but I hate it. It’s messy, it’s time consuming, and even if I go out and leave DS with DH, I’d need to come home to express for comfort (I’m not carrying a pump around the shops). I’ve suggested formula for daytimes and I’ll still breastfeed morning, night and overnight if required. But DH would prefer DS breastfeed in some form until he’s two And frankly when DH told me this today I burst into hyperventilating tears – I feel so trapped. DH is certainly on my side, he knows how much I’ve been struggling and is a wonderful support, he’s just expressing his preference for DS to have breastmilk. We gave DS a little taste of formula the other day (I bought some in case of emergency) and he happily drank 20 ml.

I don’t know what to do. Is it possible to formula feed during the day and breastfeed morning and night, without my supply dropping off? I’ve always had oversupply, and can hand pump pretty easily, I’d just prefer not to. And how can I convince DH that it's ok?

This post has been edited by ange_75: 05/02/2013, 02:57 PM

[divineM]

OP- you have my sympathies, I was diagnosed with PND when DD was 4 months old (she's nearly 2 now) and have had many struggles in my motherhood journey. Firstly, don't listent o people telling you "when it gets easier". I did and it got me into trouible feeling disappointed when things were not easy at "designated times". Secondly, looking after young children is very, very hard work and other people eg granparents find them joyful and delightful but they are not there day and night the way you are and are not feeling the burden of responsibility you feel. Going back to work will help you - it did help me. Have you been assessed for PND? All the best.

[erindiv]

Your post screams PND to me and I'd know, I had it twice.

You need to see a GP and get yourself assessed. Trust me, it doesn't go away. It builds and builds and before you know it you can barely function.

[MakeLoveNotBacon]

OP, I understand those intense feelings of being trapped when you have a very attached b'fed baby but I think something more is going on for you if you regularly feel like this. I would suggest popping in to chat with your GP.

FWIW, I found from 6 mths really tough. The first six months were easy.

Are you feeling overwhelmed by your child's intense needs?

I wouldn't worry too much about when you are working. Babies adapt and he will probably have more solids when you are not around. Although my sons still b'fed a lot at this age, plenty of babies don't and are fine (for eg I looked after a 6 mth old that had only 4-5 milk feeds a day).

Hang in there.

[jdevine]

OP, I can relate with a lot of what you are saying!

I think it is absolutely vital that you get some time to yourself! I agree with divineM that perhaps PND is going on here. If it is just getting that acknowladged and treatment happening along with some time out will make the world of difference.

Regarding giving formula during the day, that has not been a problem for anyone that I know. I think it is probably quite common with mums keeping up that morning and/or night bf and replacing the others with formula. Your body will respond accordingly and will not make milk at the times you give the bottle but should still produce when he is feeding. Your DH really should support you on this as a happy mum is the most important thing.

A wise person once asked me if my baby was thriving. So long as they are thriving it doesnt matter how you get there. That has been a comfort for me many, many times.

Hang in there and good luck.

[CharliMarley]

I think you need to go and have a talk with your GP, as you could be on the cusp of depression. Your baby is probably drinking a lot from you, because it has been hot weather and the first part of breastmilk is a thirst quencher and he needs this. You could have a break by getting someone to look after your baby and he can have your breastmilk from a sippy cup and even newborns are able to take breastmilk from open cups or large syringes.

[Ehill]

Firstly, they are your breasts not your DH's. Happy mum = happy baby and if that means a bottle of formula here and there so be it. Both my bubs were having bottles of formula by that age and it didnt affect my supply. My supply was affected once they took solids but they werent feeding as frequently so it was to be expected. You can reduce your number of feeds but still have breastmilk for as long as you want. You could feed only once a day for the last year and still have milk.

You sound like I was with my DS at this age. I just persisted with solids and when he finally started eating 3 meals a day you could hear my hoops of joy for miles around. Some mums can do the constant feeding on demand for up to 12mo but not me. I am always impressed by the BLW mums on here who patiently persist until their bubs start getting the food in their mouths at around 9mo. There is no way I could have lasted until then with demand feeding. I got my bubs into a fairly set eating, feeding and napping routine around this stage and held firm at 4 breastfeeds per day. That way I stayed sane. With DS I would have changed to ff had I not done this. He was so clingy and physical and it was all too much.

I found an eating, napping, feeding routine from......OMG......dare I say it on EB from TH's Save Your Sleep. Dont worry I didnt follow anything else, I actually picked it up in a bookshop and memorised the routine and I worked with it loosely and found it great. I didnt follow it to the minute and of course there are days it goes haywire but you can cope with a day here and there.

With regards to solids is your mum supportive and helpful? Your MIL? I suspect he isnt taking from you as he would prefer your lovely warm breasts!! Can someone come for a few days and help you out. You go for a walk and she tries? Remove the breast factor. Try giving him a small breastfeed then wait maybe 30mins and try? Dont let him get too hungry as he will get a bit hysterical. Put some finger food on the tray to distract while you do a few spoons.

Also when he constantly wants to be held what about a walk in the pram? Then you are not physically holding him but he is distracted. Go to the park and play on the grass. You cant get anything done anyway. Some of the clinginess might be boredom. They turn into busy creatures very quickly.

Good luck. My DS has been a challenge too!

[melodypond]

What sort of pump do you have - I see you say hand pump, do you mean you do it by hand or a manual pump?

If your husband (and you!) would like your baby to have breastmilk till 2, you should probably look at investing in a good double electric pump. I was undersupplied and used it to help build supply and also so I could have a break (mine were both looooong feeders, minimum around an hour - mostly longer though!). While its of course messier than straight up breastfeeding I wouldn't consider it messy when compared to formula feeding. It was also usually only 10 - 15 mins for me - if you have a great supply you will probably find it much quicker!!

I think you should look into the pump if feeding breastmilk is important to you. However, I would like to say that there is nothing wrong with formula if you can't pump for whatever reason. Both mine have done really well on it.

I see others have mentioned PND and while you should definitely speak to your GP about it, I really dont think there is anything wrong with the way you feel at the moment given your circumstances - I do completely understand feeling tethered to my child because they fed so long and I did start to resent it. He was also an incredibly poor sleeper and very early crawling and walking - so I just never stopped! I think some babies are just much higher maintenance than others and that is always going to be overwhelming and I think you are just begging for some ME time!

Regarding your supply - I cant help there, I did think there was a point when your supply stabilises but I am not sure how dropping day feeds completely would affect that? The ladies on the breastfeeding forum would be able to answer :-)

[Beancat]

OP, massive sympathy here for you. Again as PP said your post absolutely screams PND to me. I have had it, it feels like every little think is going to drive you mad. I love my babies but 6 months ago hated my situation. Wtih medication and counselling and support fom DP, my MCHN and my fantastic GP I am now through the other side AND expecting my next baby.

You need an action plan and you need it now. Make an appointment to see your GP immediately. Try and get in today if you can. If you are in vic you can also get access to an elevated level of MCHN that will visit your home. This is organised through your normal MCHN.

Some advice. It is NOT normal to feel like this, but it can be managed......you will get through this.

It doesnt matter what DH thinks about the BFing - its not his issue. Do what you need to do for you and your relationship with your baby.

The constant feeding would drive me mad too. For mental and physical health reasons I am not BFing no 3. some women do not cope well with the attatchment (i am one of these women). Do not feel guilty about this, but do something about it to improve your mental state, ie wean if you need to. you made need the assistance of your MCHN and or a lactation consultant to get your baby to take a bottle.

Going to work is a good idea, but can you not do it from home? It sounds like you need a proper line drawn between home and work and if you are at home you may feel guilty a about not spending time with your baby.

yes you can formula feed during the day and BF at night andmorning - a lactation consultant can help you with this.

PND is frightening and isolating. You have taken the first step by reaching out on EB. Now go and get some support asap. You can also call PANDA and they can put you in contact with referal agencies. Please PM me if you need to, you are not alone

This post has been edited by Beancat: 31/01/2013, 09:58 AM

[lucky 2]

Sorry to hear you are having a hard time.
I was diagnosed with PND at 6 months, it isn't uncommon so as pp's say, I think you need to let your GP and ? CHN know ASAP. You need something extra for you.
The link below has lots of information about alternative ways of giving milk to a breast fed baby, including but not restricted to bottles.
http://kellymom.com/bf/pumpingmoms/feeding...native-feeding/
Lots of baby wont take a bottle, it's foreign to them and they know how to breast fed, they don't see the point! So it's not that he hasn't learned, he is rejecting it.
The link above also has tips to help get baby to take a bottle but since he is over 6 months it might be better to use other alternatives for water, ebm or formula, if you start on bottles it could interfere with extended bfing (that's if you do end up wanting to do this), even if it is twice a day and you would end up having to make up bottles, extra work if you can avoid it, having a baby/toddler who will drink from a cup is great!
I could imagine you'd think "shouldn't it be better now?", shouldn't I be able to get away from him for a bit of time?
You are really close even if it isn't now, every week he gets a bit older and able to take more "other food".
You will get there and so will he but if I could reassure you that it's understandable that it's not happening at 7.5months, but it will.
Some babies take longer to establish on solids than others.
I reckon talk to you chn about solids etc, do you have a good relationship with her?
That's all I can think of at the moment, there are a lot of issues raised in your post, maybe some of us will respond to some and hopefully all.
You are not alone, this is not uncommon and mums sometimes need to be mothered iykwim?
All the best.