[piper-jane]

Hello everyone


I've been lurking for a week - this is a terrific forum, but have been unable to find a thread with this question. Please link me if there is one.



But our problem is this.



My apologies for the length


My dh and I met late in life -ages 36 and 37. I am Canadian and he is Australian. Neither of us having completed our tertiary education, we are low income earners. The first 4 years of immigration malarkey meant we both in turn had to abandon education and jobs and our savings. We realized early on that there was no point in wanting children because of our age and financial status, by the time we were financially ready it would be too late, and we were content being a childfree couple.

Last spring everything changed, and baby lust hit us both very hard and at the same time. We planned to TTC once dh had his permanent residence and he was past probation at work. That time arrived last November. However, we did decide in the fall, that financially we could not do it, we have no savings, still paying back a mountain of debt and we are now 41 and 42. Then in November we changed our minds back again.

We have been full on trying to conceive since then, repeatedly checking in with each other, "are you sure this is what you want?" "Are you prepared for how skint we will be the first 5 years?" "It will put going to school full time on hold once again, are you sure you're okay with that?" etc. We always answered one another the same, "I know, but I really want this baby, and if we wait any longer it may never happen?" So we carried on content that we were one the same page, crying together with each BFN.


Then last week things changed again. (We are currently in another 2 week wait) And the fear and dread of poverty, of being without a car or vacations or a honeymoon or financial security for another 5 to 7 years took hold once again. And we decided to stop trying altogether. Then 3 days later, we decided how much we definately want to keep the baby if we are pregnant this month. And we may actually be quite sad if we are not pregnant, since we have decided to stop trying. Then the conversation turned to, well if we will be gutted if we're not pregnant maybe that means we should keep trying. Today we are back to "nooooooo, I just want to go to school full time, get a better job" dh wants a car -now and we are crossing our fingers we are not pregnant.

We are both only children and both our parents are dead. So we really do not have outside finacial help or family support. We'd have some emotional support from friends but most of our friends are our age and older, with grown children, several childfree by choice - most caring for older children or aging parents ...........so with us in spirit, but not able to offer us much practical support.


To summarize because of our age we want it both ways, we want the baby the toddler the teenager the family the whole deal, but we want and feel we need for our mental health a bit more financial security, to no longer do without all that we've had to do without the past several years. We want our financial honeymoon period that we've not had due to illness when younger, past abusive relationships and caring for dying parents, and we selfishly, or perhaps understandably want it now. Poverty plus baby 20 or even 10 years ago would not be such a hinderance. But at our age well there are different things to consider. Such as what if my husband fall seriously ill or I do.

I'm not asking anyone to decide for us. But has anyone else gone through this. This waffling between the undeniable desire for a child and being so afraid of the unknown, or so dreading the financial state you'd be in. One of the things we dread of course is that we'll forever regret not having the baby we so want.

Just to be clear we have no savings, no car, low paying jobs, 2 incomplete University educations, debt and no family.

ps. we are both fertile, so we don't have infertility making the decision for us either.

Thank you for any words of wisdom or experiene offered

[piper-jane]

My apologies if this is in the wrong place. Please move if necessary.

[Mo2k]

Hi there, how do you know you are fertile? I thought I was until we had problems and then needed IVF.

To put it bluntly (and I apologise for doing so) time is not on your side so it's kind of now or never. I' m not sure if anyone feels 'ready' and there are so few that feel financially able. I thought I was ready after years of trying but it was only when I finally got pregnant that I freaked out as I hadn't thought past getting pregnant! (Or rather hadn't allowed myself to).

Things always have a way or working themselves out and neither of you are 'over the hill'! There are many of us here in our early 40's. Good luck

[cinnabubble]

Guys, as a 43 year old, I'm telling you time is not on your side.

Right now, you need to decide baby or no baby and set a duration of time (six months? A year?) during which you will commit to TTC and then be prepared to stop if you're not successful, as I'm presuming IVF will be out of your price range. You don't have time to faff about changing your minds every few days.

There's no shame in putting mental or financial stability before having a baby, but it's not a decision you're going to be able to revisit in five years.

Good luck!

[harryboy]

Kids really do not cost that much unless you make choices that make it so. In fact, the first 5 years would be when they are "cheapest". You already have a roof over your heads I presume so from there the basics are food and clothing. They don't eat a whole lot and they eat the same as you as long as you don't get sucked into all the "kiddie food". You'll need a cot and a pram to get started and in Australia at least, clothes are very inexpensive nowadays.

I have one DS - and nothing in the world matches the experience of knowing him.

[eyesabove]

Welcome aboard OP.

Honestly, Mo2K is right. Its now or never. You will never "the right" amount of money to have a baby, or the "perfect" timing. If you have a baby now, you will have a tough few years financially. You know that. But you will work around it and survive.

I think baby versus money is the wrong question to ask.

It needs to be baby versus no baby.

Babies (while they are small) don't have to cost the earth. You can buy second-hand everything - usually in excellent condition from markets and opshops, have hand me-down clothes for the bub and yourselves and you can budget your meals and spending. There are ways to make all of that work even on the most basic of welfare payments.

You may need to slow down your other plans. One of you works for a year and the other studies, then you swap. Or you study part time by correspondence while baby is small and you stay home to save the cost of child care. You'll find EB members here who are in similar situations.

An excellent resource for a minimalist approach to bub is www.minimalistmom.com - she has an ebook "a minimalist guide to a baby's first year". I think that it is an excellent way to reconsider the true 'cost' of a baby.

P.S be careful with "We're fertile". Sometimes things aren't exactly as they appear.

[countrymel]

P.S be careful with "We're fertile". Sometimes things aren't exactly as they appear.

Have to pipe up with this to OP.

DP and I 'waited till everything was right' - and guess what? While we had got ourselves sorted financially nature had other plans.

We are now facing life with no children - and we are no longer 'financially sorted' as we have spent a small fortune on fertility treatment, to no avail.

Every failed IVF cycle my DP gets pretty angry at himself for being the one who made us wait so long - too long - before we started to try.

This isn't about money - you don't need money to raise a child, (yes - if you don't have it then they won't have a pony, you won't have a blonde bob and drive a Volvo - but these things are not important. Love and caring are what counts, as long as you have a roof over your head, a meal in your belly and a loving family around you, you are going to have a happy childhood.) Australia has a welfare system that stops people from being out on the streets.

The decision you are making is child vs no child... don't kid yourself it is any different.

[coolguy]

Wow I've learnt a lot reading these replies. Me and DP are in a similar situation and for a long time had just been assuming that babies would necessarily cost a lot - but lately I'd been challenging that assumption. If you can get second hand things, I don't see the problem at all. Many people say you 'need' a car, but people have had kids for thousands of years without 'needing' a car.

We're also somewhat hedonistic, love travelling and having fun and partying. But I've met lots of parents who are still just as cool as before they had the kids. Don't assume that you have to be a boring person just coz you have kids.

I personally think that both having kids and not having kids are excellent decisions! And I mean that for everyone.

If you don't have kids, on average levels of happiness are greater - according to research - but many people find it worthwhile making that sacrifice because they feel it brings a lot of meaning into their lives. It seems that many thoughtful people vacillate about this major decision.

One strange solution: maybe you guys could donate embryos or have a baby and adopt it out if you wanted to leave a genetic legacy. Plus you'd be helping out a lot of people.

Best of luck in your decision - you sound like cool people. Either way there are benefits!

[credence]

For the first 6 months babies can be virtually no cost (other than a few bits of paraphernalia that you can buy second hand, and nappies of course.) Then when they start eating solids, if you cook fresh food it's very cheap.

It's only when they start pre-school and school that costs really start to rise, but even then, there are ways to get assistance if you need it.

In your situation, you do not have the luxury of time. If you want a child you must do it now and use the first few years of your child's life to sort yourself out financially.

[cinnabubble]

The real main cost of young babies is half the household income and then ongoing daycare costs. Not negligible in a family who struggles pre-child.