[bubzillaiscoming]

In a nutshell I have a 'friend' who is in my life due to circumstance. We are very very different people. Some times when we catch up we will have a lovely time and I think that a real friendship is possibly developing, but then I will hear something or see something that reminds me quite clearly that we are not (I am embarrassed to even say these things but stuff like not adding me as a friend on FB, and not inviting me to her kitchen tea) These are things I would normally not care a jot about but when we see each other in the flesh she is very friendly and I think we are finally making headway, but obviously not. If it was just a question of her being from my friendship group, I would just walk away as it would be easier to not have someone in your life who makes you feel crappy. But this isn't the case and we will be seeing each other frequently over the years.

When we catch up I find myself babbling about myself and my life and giving away far too much info while she gives nothing - I am just desperate to fill the (uncomfortable) silences. This is soooo not like me!!

So my latest thinking is that I need to be the one to deal with this issue. It isn't the kind of situation where I could discuss the issue with her face to face (even though that is the type of person I am and the approach I like - get it all out on the table and be honest).

So:

1) am I a nutcase for even spending this much time thinking about it?
2) anyone have any experience managing a situation like this?
3) I feel like I need to become more mature and secure within myself, but how to do so? I am in my 30s now, so like Bridget Jones need to become sensible and mature

This driving me nuts so any advice would be appreciated!!

[Kay1]

Its a bit hard to comment without more detail.

Do you ask her lots of questions about herself? I am bad at this and so now I will actually think of some questions ahead of seeing someone otherwise in the moment I just go blank. This might help the awkward silences and get her talking about herself. Some people are just naturally very good at doing this and private about themselves and before you know it you've just talked about yourself and they haven't said much at all. You can try to even it up a bit but if she is a very private person it may not work.

What is the 'circumstance' that brings her into your life? Could this be why she doesn't include you in things? Trying to keep areas of her life separate. Eg. I have not included some people as friends on FB because they are DH's work friends who I have befriended and at one stage he was going through job issues and job hunting and I was afraid of saying something on FB that would get him into trouble. Now that he's moved on to a new job I am free to be real friends with those people.

Sometimes though this just happens. I have had a couple of friends that I just love and have such a good time with, feel very close to and then figure out they just don't feel the same way. Its hard but you just have to accept it and remove yourself emotionally a bit and see them as someone fun to catch up with but not expect anything more. There may well be something (or someone) that is causing her to keep her distance and its not really up to you to do anything about it.

Good luck.

[Guest_3Keiki_*]

It sounds like she is just not that into you.... (said kindly)

Give it up, if she really wants to pursue the friendship then she will make an effort if not then there is your answer

[bubzillaiscoming]

Thanks to both of you. 3Keiki - she is definitely not into me LOL. I am under no illusion that under normal circumstances we would not be friends!

She is the wife of DHs best friend and so we often do things as family groups and she is as nice and pie and so I feel like the future will be easier, but as I said, then I realise this isn't the case. In the past she has made some quite nasty comments about where we live, food I have cooked when they were invited for dinner and so on. But I feel myself getting nervous before we catch up, my house has to be spotless, I have to look better than presentable and so on. It bothers me bc all my real friendships are so relaxed.

Kay1 - I do think of questions beforehand but she is very private and often thinks people are trying to find out info about her. EG when she moved house they only took small carloads to the new place so people wouldn't know their business we quickly run out of conversation so then I start the babbling. DH has agreed that she is very difficult and can be a bit b*tchy, but I think we have reached the stage now where I have to pull my socks up and deal with the situation as it is. Not just get stressed every time I see them!

PS And I know I am a loser re the FB thing but I know she has added some of her husband's friends who she doesn't like, so I feel like I am in the 'super unlike' category. Yes, I know I'm a twit!

This post has been edited by bubzillaiscoming: 27/01/2013, 10:09 AM

[Guest_3Keiki_*]

Look this is obviously bothering you and in the little you have said it sounds like it is giving you a hit to your self esteem. Said with kindness agian.
SO here is what I think, she is making you feel uncomfortable and unhappy, she is not really making an effort to be your friend (facebook, kitchen tea etc) so tell you DH how you feel, tell him you have made every effort and snide comments etc are just bringing you down, tell DH to catch up with friend on this own, after all yes his best but not a family issue adn I dont' see the point in dragging yourself down kowtowing to someone who sounds like a right b**ch adn frankly life is way to short - you sound like a lovely woman, surround yourself and your family with similar people, and don't think that if you have kids that same age etc it is nice to things as families as kids are stupid and at some point could quite possibly pick up on this womans attitude and narky comments, not a dynamic you want to modelling for your kids either...

[emma_jean]

I have been in a similar situation and I was quite annoyed with myself as I found myself trying to pursue a friendship with someone who was only ever interested inconsistently. I just became determined not to do it anymore. I guess be polite, but if you find yourself tempted to gush, find something else to do and work on being more comfortable with silence. I think once you are really aware of it, and admit, you will naturally avoid the behaviour. Even set it as a conscious goal to practise setting boundaries and maintaining self-respects, then when you see her you have the opportunity to build these skills.

[Cancerian Moon]

Could your DH meet his mate at the pub or a cafe instead?

[bubzillaiscoming]

So sensible Ladies Thanks. This has been a semi vent as well.

Yes, 3K - DH knows how I feel and so they do a lot of things separately but we would catch up as families at least once a month. DH will say that I am being silly as I am obviously so much better than her (ahhh hubby ) but that doesn't help me really. She did text me last weekend and asked us to catch up for dinner (I nearly fell over from shock) but we said no as I just wanted to relax with DH and didn't want the stress! But I feel a bit guilty for saying no...

I think you are right too Emma, I just need to make an obvious effort to not bend over backwards and change MY behaviour as I have no control over hers.

[theraven]

I agree with everything 3Keiki has said so far.

If it was me in your situation, I wouldn't be trying to 'force' a friendship with this woman in any way shape or form. I would be polite to her when circumstances bring you together, as she is the wife of your DH's best friend, but I wouldn't go out of my way to organise catch ups, etc. Nor would I care that she hasn't added me to FB.

Also I have found over the years that true friends don't make rude/snide comments about your or your personal situation, nor do I feel any 'pressure' to be anyone other than myself when I catch up with them. So this woman doesn't sound like someone that I would want to be close friends with anyway.

[BlueUnicorn]

I agree that you should be polite and leave it at that. Make a conscious decision before you see her to be polite, ask a few polite questions about the kids/ husband but don't give her any personal information. You might find she will become more forth coming if you don't seem as 'full on' but at least it won't take all your energy worrying about it. It may be that she is 'painfully aware' of the awkward friendship between you two also?

I do think its extreamly rude to make negative comments about someone's house/ living etc but that's a reflection on her, not you. Eg Maybe she's insecure and needs to negatise you to make herself feel better?