[bakesgirls]

My random musing for the day has so far been about kids being forced to apologise for poor behaviour towards others or accidental mishaps.

I was discussing the same thing with my mum and one of her friends not that long ago. My daughter who was 3 at the time accidently stood on my mothers friends finger as she was picking something up from the floor. I told her to apologise, it was an accident, no harm done, but my daughter refused to apologise and then refused to speak.

I repeatedly told her that she needed to apologise, that even though it was an accident and she was not in trouble, it was the right thing to do.

My mothers friend piped up and said that she shouldn't be made to say sorry if she wasn't sincere. A mild argument followed about societies expectations yada yada yada. My point was, that an apology is a nice thing, and the right thing to do. That it is part of following social norms and is part of learning to get along with people. I know that I have apologised for things in the past that I have not felt sorry for, because I genuinely did not think I had done wrong, but it made the person I was apologising to feel better and improved a situation that was going downhill.

My mothers friend thinks it is a pointless act if it is not with heart felt sincerity. She also thinks it shouldn't be done to make someone else feel better.

So, do you think saying sorry is part of living in 'polite' society? Or do you think it should never be said unless it is sincere?

This post has been edited by bakesgirls: 25/01/2013, 11:59 AM

[kpingitquiet]

I think sometimes it needs to come from a sincere desire to make the injured party feel better, whether you're really sorry or not. Maybe you meant to do (whatever) at the time, maybe you don't feel particularly bad about the action but maybe you feel bad about the REaction. But apologies are, at the least, a recognition that you've hurt/offended/inconvenienced someone else. I think they're important.

[KnightsofNi]

I make my kids apologise. I also keep on making them apologise until there is some sincerity to it, rather than just saying it to appease me.

[meggs1]

I tend to apologise for all sorts of things that arent my "fault" and I don't actually care about - like paying with a $50, or taking a short taxi ride, or whatever. Plus the things I actually do like bumping into people, or when my DS (15mo) does it (even when they bumped into us).

And I say sorry to DS when he can't have/do something he wants, because I am sorry he's upset.

But I wouldn't push him to say sorry, if he refused.

I remember as a little kid being terribly afraid of talking on the phone. The more people pushed me the worse it got. Your daughter might have been genuinely sorry but found the whole apology thing (what to say, everyone looking at her) a bit intense.

[cassoweary]

I also always ask my DD to apologise in situations similar to what you have described, one of the reasons that i think it's important is to help raise her awareness of other people around her, as at her age, kids tend to be as my parents would say "like a bull in a china shop"!

When the wrong doing was an accident or i'm not entirely sure that it was my fault, i still apologise and its not just to keep the peace or to make them feel better, its more like "even though it was an accident, i'm still sorry you got hurt" which i think is sincere, not just being polite.

[42n8]

I think you are both right.

An apology should always be given sincerely but is also the polite thing to do. Accident or not, when you hurt another, it's courtesy to apologise and that apology should be given sincerely.

[CallMeProtart]

I force. To me an apology where it's warranted is about manners - sincerity is a bonus!

I'm starting to feel conflicted though where DD does something wrong, I take something away as penalty, and then she apologises but really it's because she wants it back, not because she's actually sorry.
I've started telling her that I'm not angry with her anymore because she has said sorry, but she's still not getting the item back because that's the punishment for the act.

I don't know if it's quite the way to go about it, but I do want to avoid "sorry" becoming an expectation of "so now I get no punishment". Sorry does not void offences! I guess it's a little about sincerity but maybe more about just making sure sorry is not rewarded as a get out of jail free card.

[MakeLoveNotBacon]

I think it's completely pointless and counter-productive to force an apology. What is it teaching kids? To lie, be insincere? Apologise to get out of being in trouble? Whenever I see it being forced upon a child I'm reminded of the episode of The Simpson where Bart apologises to avoid getting into trouble, and then turns around and laughs "suckers" to himself.

You can teach your kids social 'niceties' without forcing an apology. Model the behaviour you want, talk about Mrs X feeling hurt and tell her yourself how sorry you are her foot is sore. Kids learn most by what they see, not being forced into something.

[Julie3Girls]

I've always told my girls to apologise.

Doesn't matter if something was deliberate or not, you can still apologise.

However, I will not make a scene about trying to force a child to apologise. I think that tends to make a situation worse for everyone.

Eg, my girls have a fight, one gets hurt. I will usually push for an apology from the one at fault, but if it doesn't happen, then I prefer to give my attention to the hurt child, and then deal with the one at fault later.
I've seen parents where two kids have had a problem, and the parent gets so worked up trying to force the apology, and the poor kid who has been hurt just wants the other to go away, and for everyone to stop yelling. Not a good situation.

Once they are old enough to understand, I've also talked to them about the different reasons to apologise.

[wilding]

I think it's completely pointless and counter-productive to force an apology. What is it teaching kids? To lie, be insincere? Apologise to get out of being in trouble? Whenever I see it being forced upon a child I'm reminded of the episode of The Simpson where Bart apologises to avoid getting into trouble, and then turns around and laughs "suckers" to himself.

You can teach your kids social 'niceties' without forcing an apology. Model the behaviour you want, talk about Mrs X feeling hurt and tell her yourself how sorry you are her foot is sore. Kids learn most by what they see, not being forced into something.

That's how I look at it aswell.