[Daisy1974]

Hi all

Just after some advice and people’s thoughts as this is our first baby and not sure if my expectations are too high. I am seeing a private OB and am currently 13 weeks pregnant. I am pretty anxious about this pregnancy given all our losses and this is the furthest I have ever got.

So far I have had 2 appointments with my OB and I am just not sure about her. There is nothing wrong exactly it’s just something I can’t put my finger on. She is heavily accented so at times I can’t 100% understand what she is saying and when I have tried to talk about my anxiety with this pregnancy given the other miscarriages she is not really that empathetic. At my appointment this week because my uterus is reverted (or something like that) she couldn’t find the baby’s heartbeat – and could only get a reading off the cord. She said it was absolutely nothing to worry about it but it still upset me and when I got teary she didn’t even notice and when finally I asked for a tissue there was no empathy for how I was feeling and when I asked again if all was fine she just laughed and said yes. She seems quite thorough and seems to know her stuff so I can’t complain about that.

So I guess what I am asking is am I expecting too much from an OB in regards to my anxiety and her levels of empathy or are most like that just factual and get on with the job with no fluff? Plus, if I was too change doctors is it too late to change at 13 weeks? Has anyone out there changed at this stage in their pregnancy?

TIA

[josh2003]

I don't know if there's a "right" answer for your question, but I'll tell you what happened with my last successful pregnancy.

We had TTC for nearly five years, and after many failed IVF attempts (I think it was 7 stim cycles!) we finally got a BFP. Problem was that I was bleeding fairly heavily, but somehow the baby managed to stay in place. At about 8 weeks I had a massive bleed and my FS told me I had a sub-chorionic hematoma (blood clot) next to the placenta, and that was what caused the big bleed. He also told me that if the clot remains smaller than the sac, then the outcome is usually good. So whilst I was still nervous, I was optimistic.

At 10 weeks, I went to see me new OB for the first time, and all he did was bang on about the blood clot, and that I could bleed out at any time and that I risked having a very pre-term baby.

He actually said to me, "I think it's best if you don't get too attached to this pregnancy". And then I lost it and started crying. My husband explained our infertility issues to him and told him it was too late to not get attached. Then he said to me, "Now don't go and tell everyone that I said you would miscarry, because that's not what I said, but people always only hear the negative..."

But when I asked him if the clot dissolved over time, would my risk reduce, he effectively knocked that on the head saying that I could still lose the baby at any time. So, even though I was trying to find some hope, he effectively took that away from me. So basically, he wasn't a very kind OB.

We continued to see him a couple of times, but each time I would come away crying, so finally my husband said that we can't keep going back to him and we should try and find someone else. By this stage, I was nearly 16 weeks, and it was way to late to try and get into another OB, but thankfully my SIL's good friend's husband is an OB, so she called him and got me in.

When I first saw the new OB, my husband and I kept asking about the clot, and he just checked me over and was fairly dismissive about it. Then he finally said that the reason he wasn't paying too much attention to it was because he wasn't really worried about it at all, and that if it was going to be a problem, it would have been evident by then.

This was the first day that I could start enjoying my pregnancy. And my new OB was fantastic all the way through my pregnancy and the delivery... very caring and empathetic.

As to whether you should change OBs, I'm not sure. I had a female OB for my first baby, and whilst she never did anything wrong, I certainly didn't click with her the way I did with my second. But yours seems a little cold or disengaged, and that would worry me a little bit, but honestly, you will be more involved with a midwife for delivery as the OB usually only pops in and out.

[Madnesscraves]

Well,

Some OBs lack bedside manners. I wouldn't like if my OB spoke to me like the way yours did, I'd be pretty upset!

Its difficult to find a new OB in the later stages, but It never hurts to ring around the hospitals and get numbers for OBS who practise there and see if there are any available. You might luck out and find another one. If there is any available go into for a visit and see if you're happy with them. I would expect my OB to put some effort into manners and show a caring side as I am paying them $$$$ to deliver my baby.

[Espoir]

In my opinion, start making calls to alternate OBs to make a change.

No way are you 'expecting too much'. Having said that, you wont click the same way with every OB however, I can speak from experience that changing OBs at the 11 week mark was the best decision we made. The first OB dismissed every question I had and by the time I reached the end of my list I stopped asking questions because I knew she wouldnt answer them. Utterly unprofessional and, given I am paying steep dollars for the expertise, I wanted some kind of rapport and mutual respect with my OB.

If you are delivering at North Shore Private or Mater in Sydney
I can, without hesitation, give you a recommendation.

All the best - trust your instincts on this one.

[katpaws]

I am trying to remember when i changed OB, maybe halfway through? The reason i ended up on EB was that DH was concerned about the first OB and wanted us to change to another one, so we posted to ask if anyone had had this doctor and how they had found them as an OB. We found this OB very distant and dismissed our concerns about our first baby etc. An EB member gave us some information that gave us confidence to move to another OB, and we got recommendations on EB. The one we choose was fantastic, and gave us a totally different experience - a more positive one - and a better outcome. Yes it can be difficult changing mid stream but i think it is important that you have confidence in your OB and that you trust them. Certainly my OB was the best in terms of care and we are so thankful we changed.

[againagain]

I would find someone else. You certainly should be getting some empathy and reassurance.

If she makes you feel like crap now, she probably will for the whole pregnancy.

[pjemc]

I expect my OB (and he is) to be understanding and reassuring for all my worries and panics and stresses and I have never gone through any sort of loss. For someone who seems to have suffered loss the way you mentioned I think it would be important for you to feel comfortable, supported and reassured by your OB otherwise it is just going to cause further stress. So, you could see if you can get in with another OB and if that fails can you just say straight out to her (if you are brave enough) what you need and want and the way she has been is not helping you or making you feel better, its better than going the next 27 or so weeks and not ever feeling good about seeing her. I know for the full day after I see my OB and know everything is fine I feel so happy and relaxed, you should not feel stressed, anxious or upset.
I think some doctors in general just get so used to the same thing over and over and they reassure so many patients of the same thing they dont stop and think for you this is the first time and so it becomes second nature and they dont realise the way they are speaking to you or the stress it is causing.

Good Luck, I hope all goes well!!

[Rusky99]

If you are delivering at North Shore Private or Mater in Sydney
I can, without hesitation, give you a recommendation.

If you are going to one of these hospitals, I am also happy to PM you with some info - both good and bad.

For my first pregnancy I saw an OB who delivers at the Mater. At my 12 week scan, there was no heartbeat. She was not sympathetic at all - the OB and her receptionist were just focused on getting the bill paid and getting me out of there as soon as possible. Meanwhile I was crying while trying to sign a credit card payment slip.

As a result, when I became pregnant again, I changed OBs. I also miscarried the second pregnany, bu the reaction when I had a scan with no heartbeat was so different. Both the OB and midwife were focused on doing their best to comfort me.

When I became pregnant for a third time (the successful one), I didn't hesitate to go back to the second OB.

Changing was the best decision I made.

[MrsLexiK]

I am very anxious as well OP, I actually picked a straight talking OB who wouldn't take my anxiety crap. At 13 weeks in my area you wouldn't get into another OB, but I would phone around and see you never know. I guess the main thing is, is that I am comfortable with my OB, and I like he is straight forward if you are not comfortable with her then do look into other OB's if you can.

[Daisy1974]

Thank you all for your responses so far - I think I will do a ring and around and see if I can find someone else at this stage.

I am going to RPA in Sydney so if anyone has any recommendations I would love to hear from you via PM.

Thanks again