[EBmel]

Posted on Amity's behalf:

A friend and I were having a play-date the other day, and when her almost one-year-old grew restless she started packing up to leave. I was disappointed she had to go – our bigger kids were playing so nicely and we were having a great catch up, but she was adamant.

“If he doesn’t sleep now I’ll pay for it later, and him sleeping is the key to my sanity,” she joked. Well, kind of joked. Because for my friend, like so many mums, routine is everything. Her play-dates and catch-ups revolve around her baby’s sleep times, and they’ll always be home in time for him to sleep in his own bed. As a result he’s a great sleeper and she gets lots of work done in the hours he naps, a feat she rightly cherishes (and I am very jealous of!).

I, on the other hand, am pretty go with the flow. Our baby years were spent on outings and coffee dates, where I would hope my babies slept in their prams or in my arms. If I was having fun I’d drag my time out as much as possible, hoping they’d sleep in the car on the way home and we all wouldn’t lose the plot too much.

They’ve come with us to restaurants and concerts, rehearsals and meetings. Consequently they are very social kids who are great at being out and interacting with adults. But neither has ever been a great sleeper, a coincidence that is not lost on me.

We all have our own parenting styles, relaxed or routine, busy or calm, and all have pros and cons.

When my first child was a preschooler we filled our days with activities. Kindergym and playgroup, baby sport and play-dates, it was rare we had more than a day at home in a week. Looking back now we probably did too much, but at the time I embraced the excitement of my new baby and all the fun things we could do together.

In a typical second child scenario, my daughter and I have done a lot less of the structured activities. Life is busy enough these days and I cherish my days at home more than anything. As a result, she’s much better at entertaining herself than her brother ever was, but I sometimes get the guilts that I’ve yet to enrol her in baby ballet!

But they both still mostly fit around our schedule, rather than the other way round. Dinners are decided at the last minute, activities are spontaneous, and the summer holidays have meant late nights while we’ve all enjoyed BBQs, beach outings and sleepovers at grandparents’ homes.

Both kids will sleep in after a late night and this works for us as a family, but the downside has meant that over the holidays any routine they had is so far out the window I fear I’ll never retrieve it. Late nights are fun when Mummy is on board, but when I’m tired or have to work and they’re both still refusing to sleep at 10pm they’re patience-testing.

So is that a sign that routine is king and my relaxed style has too many drawbacks? I would agree that, as a rule, kids thrive on routine. Particularly during school terms and toddler years, structure is really important. But I also think the needs of the parents should count for something, and you have to do what works for you.

If staying at home all day makes you feel depressed and lonely, then activities and baby sleeps in the pram will make you a happier parent. If structure and home time while your child sleeps in their bed is more your thing, you’ll both prefer a routine. As long as your child is getting enough sleep in a 24-hour period they’ll be okay either way.

I’ve loved the summer holidays but am looking forward to school going back, and our semblance of routine starting up again. Although, sadly, with the next few months I’m going to have, I don’t see too many home days on the horizon anytime soon. And I fear I’ll have a battle on my hands when Miss 2 realises the party’s over and 7pm bedtime returns, so stay tuned for a toddler tantrum post coming soon!

I'd love to hear what works best for other families. Are you a routine-based person, or is a flexible approach better for you and your kids?

[lsolaBella]

I was lucky. I had kids who slept 8-10pm at night until 8am in the morning from 7-12wks of age) overnight waking after that was illness or teething.

Day sleeps non existent. Cat nappers all three. But they would sleep anywhere 5.5mo DS1 fell asleep with cannon fire in the middle of Pirates ride at Disney.

My 2nd and 3rd child did a 1-2hr nap for 6-9m between 1-2yrs of age. After that if they fell asleep during the daytime it was a recipe for a child awake at 10-12midnight.

We are a pack up and go with the flow family. No routines. Still works for us at 3,5,7yrs of age.

Era: since 2yrs of age though the boys have been 5-6am walkers grrr. Relaxed works for us as DH could be home for dinner at 6.30pm or 8pm. So dinner time is a variable thing, as is bedtime.

So the kids have worked around us.

This post has been edited by lsolaBella: 18/01/2013, 01:49 PM

[Lucretia Borgia]

Routine all the way here....am currently sitting in a holiday rental over looking a lovely river with people swimming in it, it's 39 degrees here but I'm not going anywhere because its DS's nap time. It's just not worth it to get him out of his routine....

This post has been edited by Lucretia Borgia: 18/01/2013, 01:50 PM

[busymumof1&1/2]

I work fulltime and do all of the drop offs and pick ups, so my work day is routine based, to save my sanity. My DD1 has always been an early to bed, early to rise from very early on. 6 to 6. DD2 is still awake at 10pm at night, and is happy to nap on the way to daycare, at daycare, and on the way home from daycare. I wish she would be a better sleeper. On the weekends though we have a more relaxed style. They work around us, as much as possible, and we work around them too.

[pratique]

I am exactly like your friend. Starting to ease up now ds is 2.

He is a fantastic sleeper 7pm-8am and sleeps 2 hrs during the day. I will admit however if we do fall out of routine he loses the plot.

At the end of the day I think it comes down to your own character. I am a self confessed control freak and would find it hard to just go with the flow. I understand how others would feel the same about my lifestyle.

[tres-chic]

It doesn't have to be one or the other.

We stick to a routine where possible, but if it slips in the holidays it doesn't matter.

I'd never be a slave to routine but it works well for school-night discipline, for example.

[WithSprinkles]

Routine here too. I was hoping to be a "go with the flow" type parent but DD had other ideas, she thrives on routine. She becomes incredibly cranky if she doesn't nap within a certain timeframe.

[divineM]

Routine is king for me! I like it for myself and i like it for DD (22 months). She needs her sleep and I need a break during the day. She's also not good at making up for missed naps or late bedtimes so i pay for it later. It may also be a by product of the fact that due to DD's poor sleeping abilities I have had a lot of sleep school/sleep nanny help and they drum it into your head how important sleep (and quality sleep, not bits of sleep snatched in the car) is. I really only make exceptions for important occasions eg we have a family christening this weekend. But DD will still be taken away from the party at nap time (in the car or pram), I couldn't just miss her nap!

[lsolaBella]

You see I am a control freak (don't try and do my dishes or pack dishwasher to help out) but kids and babies I was wing it type.

[Pooks*potters]

Routine vs. relaxed is a false dichotomy.

I have a 11 MONTH old son who will go all day with no sleep if I don't ensure all of his, very specific, routine and sleep needs are met. No sleep results in an incredibly unhappy baby, and an incredibly unhappy mum. Sometimes this is unavoidable and I have to cop the consequences, but if it's a just a case of ending a visit a little early, my goodness I will do it.

I'm not talking about "consequence" being a cranky baby, I'm meaning screaming until hoarse and vomiting, refusing to sleep or sleeping only in 10 minute bursts, head banging, throwing himself around, and recently, hitting and clawing me. I'm talking about one or two days needed to recover. Sigh.

He has only recently started sleeping maybe 15-20minutes in the car on longer trips, and will simply not sleep anywhere else other than his cot.

It's nice that many babies will roll with the "relaxed" style. I am not a person who ever imagined being routine led, in fact, my life has always been very flowy. But my son thrives on routine and so I provide it for him. It makes life more pleasant for all of us.

So in fact, "routine" means "relaxed" for my family.

I have gotten a lot of judging from others for my "spoiling" DS and being "inflexible" but I challenge anyone to deal with him after a "relaxed" day and see how "relaxed" they are.

Basically, different babies, different mummies, different strategies needed.

Edited to change year to month! Lol

This post has been edited by Pooks_: 19/01/2013, 12:02 PM