[Mama Lama]

Can anyone offer advice as to how I bully proof my child? My daughter (2 and 1/2) is pretty sensitive and this is a beautiful quality around family and friends as she is considerate of others so tuned into those around her.

My concern is at playgroup (one council and one at my local ABA) the ‘bully’ in each of these groups seems to target her. I have tried stepping in to separate them, stepping back to let her deal with it, politely asking the parents to keep an eye out for their kids, asking the other child to ‘go back to Mum’ play somewhere else, play nicely– but it keeps on occurring and mainly to my daughter and rarely other kids (the child returns again and again whether I am 10 meters away or at arm’s length). I realise it maybe because they get a reaction out of her, but what should I do?

1) Watch like a hawk and pre-empt every interaction with kids who are prone to violence (this may get tricky with #2 on the way)

2) Not attend playgroup (but this is just avoiding the problem isn’t it)

3) Scream at the other child (really don’t want to do this and pretty sure that would render me a social outcast)

4) Teach her to hit back (I know this is wrong but I am running out of options)

5) I am trying to explain that they are looking for a reaction so stay away from them and shout at them loudly “STOP GO AWAY” – this is the option we are working on now, but her fear and panic (understandably) is making it hard for her.

Thanks for reading this far - has anyone else been through this? I know this can be normal kid stuff but with all the bullying and sad stories in the media, what is normal? and when does a certain type of kid become a target for bullies no matter where they are? I was nearly brought to tears today after 6 attacks in a 1 hour period – we just had to leave – they all happened so quickly I could not stop them.

[SqueakyBee]

I can't speak from experience, but from what I've seen from other people it's about teaching her to be assertive, rather than aggressive. Also, she needs to learn these skills herself because you won't always be there to intervene.

Firstly, make it clear that her body is her own, and it's not ok for other people to touch/push/pinch/hit her and that she is allowed to have her own space.

Then, give her some phrases to say - "Stop hitting me, I don't like it when you do that!" or whatever is appropriate for the situation. Get her to practice saying it in a clear and forceful tone, and if they don't stop then tell her to get up and walk away, preferably to close to where you or other adults are.

Again, I can't speak from experience but this approach seems to be working for other people I know. Good luck addressing it!

[JustBeige]

I think at this age you need to do a combination of watching like a hawk and using your stern mummy voice to say "Stop. we dont hit(?). We use gentle hands" Sometimes a child who automatically hits knows no better and unless shown how to be gentle really has no clue.

If they are hitting whilst you are standing right next to your child then its pretty certain that this is the way they think they should act.

By you saying stop dont hit (and possibly putting your arm in between the child and your DD, if needed) you are modelling this for your child.

If the child keeps hitting and doesnt pay attention, you can do two things - take them back to their parent each and every time. and/or talk to the coordinator of the group for them to keep an eye on the child.

Some parents DGAF about another mum saying something, but will pay attention if the coordinator says something.


Lastly, if it keeps up and you have tried a couple of different avenues, then yes, pulling her out is the next step.

[ImpatientAnna]

I think at this age you need to do a combination of watching like a hawk and using your stern mummy voice to say "Stop. we dont hit(?). We use gentle hands" Sometimes a child who automatically hits knows no better and unless shown how to be gentle really has no clue.

If they are hitting whilst you are standing right next to your child then its pretty certain that this is the way they think they should act.

By you saying stop dont hit (and possibly putting your arm in between the child and your DD, if needed) you are modelling this for your child.

If the child keeps hitting and doesnt pay attention, you can do two things - take them back to their parent each and every time. and/or talk to the coordinator of the group for them to keep an eye on the child.

Some parents DGAF about another mum saying something, but will pay attention if the coordinator says something.


Lastly, if it keeps up and you have tried a couple of different avenues, then yes, pulling her out is the next step.

Sorry, no suggestions OP but who are these parents who don't intervene when their child is hitting?!???!!

[countrymel]

My nephews were both taught at daycare to put your hand out and say "Stop! I don't like that!"

It seems to work very well and it neatly circumvents all of the "Oh I didn't know he didn't like it.." or "We were just having fun/playing.." excuses a bully will try on. It also of course lets a boisterous child who is hurting/frightening a playmate by accident know that they are and to back off..

[BabeBlossom]

I understand your concern, I have a gentle, sensitive daughter myself and always worry about her good nature being a disadvantage. So far she has surprised me with her lack of reaction towards aggressors, so far her blank look of disbelief is scaring them off. We start playgroup next month so I'm holding my breath how it will go.
I read a brilliant book book, how to raise an optimistic child. Its about increasing self esteem to help bully proof them, and stop them from becoming bullies. Its more of a long term solution and I think more beneficial as they get older but could be worth a read. I can't help with immediate strategies but will be watching with interest.

[CallMeProtart]

I'd love to know the answer to this.

I think the PP response is a good one for the specific situations. But the fact that she is the target in BOTH groups is interesting - and I can see why this makes you ask how to help her not to be.

What are the other kids actually doing to her? Shouting at her or hitting her?

TBH, I know it's not what you're supposed to do, but I'd tell her if someone hits her, and doesn't stop when she says stop, to hit them back
I know it's perpetuating violence and all that, and at an older age I'd promote some different strategies, but at that young age things are pretty simple and anything too complicated won't work.
But hopefully there will be some better options suggested!

[Mama Lama]

Thanks everyone:

SqueakyBee - good idea, I'll try to build up a few phrases for her.

JustBeige - I like the idea of modelling, thanks also for validating that going back to the parent each time is not seen as being a pain. That may finally encourage them to stay as close to their child as I have to.

ImpatientAnna - I am not sure - they are nice people - but maybe see this as an opportunity to take a break? They seem a bit exasperated what this happens - so they may be over it?

CountryMel - I'll add that one to the list - Thanks.

I already feel relieved to hear your responses - I was no sure if I was being over protective or too sensitive cause of the pregnancy! thanks!

[Mama Lama]

BabeBlossom - thanks for the book recommendation and good luck with playgroup!

CallMeAliG - it is pushing, hitting with toys, hitting with a stick once, throwing food, shoving, snatching toys (not so concerned about the last one). Mainly violence. If it was yelling, my DD is pretty articulate so I don' think that would concern her as much. She is petite so she immediately feels threatened. Thanks for sharing the concern about it happening in both groups - that is the bit that has me worried the most too...

[Peppery]

I have also taught the ''stop i don't like it'' to DD. Thankfully she has a natural bellowing voice so i can hear her and also her teachers at preschool are alerted to the situation.