[SusieBlue]

A close friend has just miscarried, and it has got me thinking about my miscarriage a year and a half ago and if there is anything I can tell her that might be helpful over the next few months. If you have anything to add, please do.

- The first few weeks afterwards I felt absolutely awful. I also found that I had a renewed period of grief 5 weeks later when a close friend announced a pregnancy and AF returned within a few days of each other. Now I can look back on that time as being terrible, but the strength of the emotion has thankfully died down.
- Doing something that completely occupied my mind e.g. going to the gym was helpful for dealing with the grief.
- I spoke to people about my miscarriage a lot. I found it was easier for me to be honest than to pretend that it hadn't happened. People were very understanding, and often had stories to share with me.
- I had counselling. This is not something I have told many people, because it was also related to issues in my marriage that I don't want everyone to know. I was pregnant again by the time I started counselling, so it helped me deal with my fears for my new pregnancy.
- Facebook was not very helpful. Pregnancy announcements etc. were very difficult to deal with.
- My counsellor recommended that we name our baby, write the baby a letter and then plant a plant with the letter in the soil. This was very helpful for closure, particularly for my husband. I still have the plant on my balcony (I made sure I picked something very hardy because I thought I wouldn't deal very well if the plant died!)
- I read books about others who had miscarried, and shed tears over their sad stories.

If I think of any more I will add them to the list!

[malibu71]

My miscarriage anniversary was this month - 2 years ago we lost out baby at 13 weeks.

It still hurts, we haven't been lucky enough to have a child which I think would help me.

The only other thing I would add - if she feels like it cry, just let it out, there is no point in holding it in - it doesn't necessarily make you feel better but it sometimes helps so you don't burst into tears at a less appropriate time.

Also to take as much time as you need, don't feel you have to conform to other peoples standards or beliefs this is such a personal loss that you need to do what you have to do.

[hanz33]

I had named my baby and bought a tree as some sort of 'outside' connection to the internal feelings I was feeling. I would just sit near the tree and mull over my feelings and what I was going to do next.

I was extremely lonely - It felt like nobody could understand the love that I had for this baby that I didn't have in my arms.

My sister in law was going on to have a healthy baby and that made things worse.

This forum helps allot.

This post has been edited by Mariamsmum: 19/01/2013, 05:55 AM

Reason for edit: Edited to remove signature

[Elippo]

I found I needed to talk but sometimes others weren't very good at listening (because the topic made them uncomfortable) and that I needed to realise that it wasn't a personal thing

My moods were (are) all over the place - some days I was fine and others I was quite depressed about it.

I went back to TTC straight away and then had another bout of depression when I failed to conceive that first cycle.

I would find myself getting angry over everthing and it took me a little while to realise it was because of feelings I had re the miscarriage which I hadn't dealt with.

[countrymel]

I still don't talk about it. Not even with DP.

My baby was due at Christmas.. I have had three Christmases since then and they seem to be getting more difficult alas - I could feel myself getting really tense and a bit teary as my friends were describing their children's Christmas excitement..

Like PP if I had a child I don't think it would be as big a deal though.

[akkiandmalli]

A close friend has just miscarried, and it has got me thinking about my miscarriage a year and a half ago and if there is anything I can tell her that might be helpful over the next few months. If you have anything to add, please do.

- The first few weeks afterwards I felt absolutely awful. I also found that I had a renewed period of grief 5 weeks later when a close friend announced a pregnancy and AF returned within a few days of each other. Now I can look back on that time as being terrible, but the strength of the emotion has thankfully died down.
- Doing something that completely occupied my mind e.g. going to the gym was helpful for dealing with the grief.
- I spoke to people about my miscarriage a lot. I found it was easier for me to be honest than to pretend that it hadn't happened. People were very understanding, and often had stories to share with me.
- I had counselling. This is not something I have told many people, because it was also related to issues in my marriage that I don't want everyone to know. I was pregnant again by the time I started counselling, so it helped me deal with my fears for my new pregnancy.
- Facebook was not very helpful. Pregnancy announcements etc. were very difficult to deal with.
- My counsellor recommended that we name our baby, write the baby a letter and then plant a plant with the letter in the soil. This was very helpful for closure, particularly for my husband. I still have the plant on my balcony (I made sure I picked something very hardy because I thought I wouldn't deal very well if the plant died!)
- I read books about others who had miscarried, and shed tears over their sad stories.

If I think of any more I will add them to the list!

I lost my son At 18.5 weeks in oct 2011. I did everything OP that you did to get me in to a better emotional state. It was the hardest period if my life but i learnt so much about myself. My relationship with DH strengthened and we became pregnant in July 2012. We are due to have a dd in march. I honor all my children with their 13 week ultrasound with a picture on the wall. I have pictures if DS when he was born but they are confronting for some people where the ultrasound it shows I have had 4 beautiful children. I lost friends at this time as they didn't visit or take time to call in my greatest time if need.. Be there for your friend whatever way they need it.

Reason for edit: Edited by mariamsmum to remove signature

[Bwok~Bwok]

I got this poem from the hospital yesterday and it might help your friend - I know it did me!

A Prayer for Spring

Like springtime, let me unfold
And grow, fresh and new,
From this cocoon of grief
That has been spun around me.

Help me face the harsh reality of
Sunshine and renewed life,
As my bones still creak from
The winter of my grief
Life has dared to go on around me
And as I recover from
The insult of life's continuance,
I readjust my focus to
Include recovery and growth
As a possibility in my furture.

Give me strenght to break out of
The cocoon of my grief.

But may I never forget it as
The place where I grew my wings,
Becoming a new person
Because of my loss.

Janis Heil

[with the goo goo...]

That is a perfect poem, bwokbwok.

I find it hard to believe it has been three years since my first miscarriage. It is still feels so raw and recent, especially having lost another baby in July. I am very lucky to have had my daughter between losses because I don't know how I would ever have broken out of the "grief cocoon" as per the poem. My love and highest respect for keeping on going to those of you who have not

I guess if I was giving advice to your friend I would tell her that one day you will smile and even laugh again. It may not seem like it at the moment but one day life will start to feel a bit better. Also, as per the poem, she will come out of it as a different person - there will always be that heavy ball of grief and lost innocence but eventually she will be able to file it somewhere inside herself. It will always be there but not at the forefront.

This post has been edited by with the goo goose: 15/01/2013, 09:30 PM

[honeymoon]

Sadly I had a miscarriage last week, went in for the NT scan at 12w2d only to be told that there was no heartbeat and baby had stopped growing at 9 weeks. I was booked in and had a D&C the next day.

It's such a devastating time, I've found that talking to others who've been through the same helps, just reading others stories on online support forums made me feel less alone. I bought a bracelet with an angel charm which I wear everyday and my DH has our 8 week ultrasound photo in a frame by the bed.

I think it's important to go through the emotions, I've been sobbing uncontrollably, angry to the point where I had to punch my pillow, but for the most part I'm numb and still in shock. I know time will heal but in the meantime I try to keep busy by walking, gardening, painting, whatever I can to occupy my mind. Talking to DH helps us both and has brought us closer which is a positive.

Your friend is lucky to have someone like you who understands what she's going through and can help her through it. All the best x

[Riotproof]

Talking is healing. Particularly with your partner. I think there is a common idea that they won't understand, and to a certain point that is true, but that doesn't mean they can't empathise. I think the shutting out is very hurtful and if you can't say it, you could always write it down. I sent my dh a link to a thread I have on another site about it, he never brought it up, but I know it helped him realise I wasn't being crazy.

Crying is okay. There are much worse things than crying at the sight of someone else's newborn.

Just because your family stop asking/ talking about it, doesn't mean they don't care. It does mean they don't know what to say.

It's not lineal. Don't expect to continually improve, there will be moments when you feel setback. It which new thing, each new milestone will gradually get easier.

It's okay to feel envy, it doesn't mean you are a horrible person.

Deactivating fb was the best possible thing I could do for about 6 months. L