[~~mumsie~~]

Hi all.

DD (4.5yo) has recently grasped concept of mortality and is quite upset at even the mention of the word 'death'.

We have had some very bad news this week that my aunt won't be with us for much longer - possibly a few days at best.

Does anyone have any experience with young kids and funerals, or any thoughts on how I can approach the topic with DD? (I have explained that mummy's aunty is very sick, and we are all worried, but have left it there).

Thank you.


(As an aside, cancer can go get effed My aunt is only 45, and has two children - 17 and 18yo)

[ednaboo]

I'm sorry to hear about your aunty. My children lost their infant cousin when they were 3 and 4mo. When it was time to tell the 3yo I was told him the truth in an age appropriate way. He dealt with it really well. He attended the funeral too. I wouldn't over think it - just be honest and age appropriate and it will be OK. Hope that helps.

[libbylu]

First, I am very sorry to hear about your aunt, that is very sad news at such a young age.

I believe there are so few ceremonies and rituals left in society today that bring family and community together and I think it is important to involve children in these rituals, both happy and sad, as much as is possible and practical.

But each parent must make their own decision about whether taking their child to a funeral is good or not, depending on the circumstances. We chose to take our just turned 5 year old to his great grandmothers funeral. He sat with DH up the back and DH had to take him out, so missed most of it (which I am sure he wasn't bothered about) not because DS was upset, but because he just couldn't cope with the expectation of sitting still and quietly - there was quite a delay in getting started and he was over it by the time it did.
I think there is no point taking kids under the age of 3 or 4 as they really can't understand what is happening. But by age 4 it can be an important learning experience, depending on the situation and the child. A great aunt is probably a good introduction to funerals as she is likely not too close. I do think it is helpful to have an adult who is close to the child that can take the child outside if it becomes to much for them and isn't bothered about missing parts of the service.

[Chelli]

Firstly, I sorry to hear that your Aunty is so unwell, especially at such a young age.

Last year we had a staff member from DD's school pass away from cancer and my 9yo then attended her first funeral. There is some great literature out there for kids to help them understand death and dying. Beginnings and endings with lifetimes in between is one that comes to mind.

With the funeral, explain with as much detail as you can about what will happen, that there will be a lot of sad people there and explain that it is ok if he doesn't want to go, it is ok if he cries, and that it is normal if he feels confused, angry or not sad at all.

If you have someone offer some support, a practical way they may do this is attend the funeral with you, but to offer to take your DS out if he is overwhelmed or decides he doesn't want to be there any more.

My thoughts are with you all.

[~~mumsie~~]

Thank you all for the replies so far - some great suggestions have been given.

We are a very big family (mum is one of 7 kids - it is one of her sisters who is sick), and we are all extremely close. I am the eldest of the nieces and nephews and stayed with my aunt every school holidays as a teenager to help when her kids were toddlers.

The worst thing is that she has beaten cancer twice before

I will try and find that book - thank you very much Chelli!

DD's father and I are separated, but it may be a good suggestion to get him to bring her to the service, so that he may take her outside if needed - I am the eldest of 4 kids, and my my brothers are still quite young themselves, so I will be trying to support them and my younger sister also.

This sucks so much

This post has been edited by ~~mumsie~~: 12/01/2013, 08:05 PM

[mad madam mim]

We took DS1 to my Pops funeral, but gave him the choice, I would just explain it as simply as possible, and if she would like to come to the funeral she can but if she doesn't want to then I wouldn't force her. I guess some discussion on cancer would probably help aswell, so she knows it's not something she has to worry about happening to her as she's nice and healthy.

[SeaPrincess]

So sorry to hear of your aunt's illness, it's far too young.

I was 4 when I attended my first funeral, which was my brother's. Honestly, I don't remember much about it, and I definitely wasn't taken out at any point. Back then, we did attend church regularly, so church wasn't new to me. I think this is really important:

I guess some discussion on cancer would probably help aswell, so she knows it's not something she has to worry about happening to her as she's nice and healthy.

My brother was 3, what I saw was that he got sick, went to hospital and died. I didn't understand it and when I went to hospital the following year, I thought the girl who went home had died, and I thought I was going to die. It was a revelation to me that people actually come home from hospital.

[Etcetera]

My grandfather died recently and my then 4 and 5yo dealt with it ok. My eldest has ASD and didn't do too well with the funeral (I think pre warning him that people would be upset and might cry actually went against us. DH took him outside - he was ok, just hyped up). My second actually fell asleep!
I explained what death meant - that they were gone and we couldn't see them anymore, and that the funeral was for everyone to say goodbye.

My budgie had died not long beforehand so we had discussed death before which helped.

[feliz6]

Kids that aget learn through play. Depending on what ur lo will be exposed to can guide ur play. E.g. if they are going to see s coffin pull out a shoe box pop a teddy inside and explain. May need to explain just a luttle more about why the petson died not in great detail eg their heart stopped working is detailed ennough. Allow ur lo to ask wuestions. The beginning and endings book already mentioned is quite good.

[WibbleWobble]

I am so very sorry.

My Grandmother died recently and we just tried to be as honest as we could with the kids. After she had a heart attack we told them that her heart was very sick and she had to go to hospital in an ambulance, when she died later that day we said it was because her heart was sick.

They both went and saw her in the hospital after she died and then in her coffin at the funeral. We explained the funeral process and also that there would be people there who would be very sad and that it was ok if they wanted to cry as well.

Any questions they asked we tried to answer and honestly and as straight foward as we could. DD (4) wanted lots of reassurance that she wasn't going to die too.

I think something as simple as telling your DD that sometimes peoples bodies get sick and don't get better again may be simple enough for her to understand, and reassure her that most people do get better.