[Swahili]

....do you make them go anyway?

DD has a play date with a friend from school but doesn't want to go as the last time they met up, the friend, along with another friend, excluded DD from playing with them and told her she was wearing an ugly dress. Previous to that time, DD and this friend have gotten along well.

The play date is today and DD is adamant she does not want to go. I think she should go and give the friend another chance, but I don't know if it's the right thing to force her to go. And what would I say to the Mum if I cancel (have already cancelled once, due to DD being sick).

What would you do?

This post has been edited by Swahili: 09/01/2013, 11:29 AM

[Cath42]

If only they weren't at school together, you could just knock the friendship on the head and tell your daughter she never had to play with this girl again. But given that your daughter will encounter this girl again at school this year, I think it might be best to let the play date go ahead. It's a hard one, isn't it? I guess at the back of your mind is, "What if this girl is mean again, and then my daughter has to go to school knowing this girl is going to be there?"

Does the mother of this other girl know about the previous incident? If she does, it might be worth calling her and explaining that (a) your daughter was quite badly affected by the incident and is expressing concerns about having another play date and (b) you're really concerned that this play date go well so that the problem is sorted out before school starts. That puts the onus on the other mother to supervise her daughter and make sure that her daughter understands that exclusion is not okay. If she doesn't know, she'd probably want to know. I'd certainly want to be told if my daughter was mean to another child like that.

*Edited to add: I do have some experience of this kind of situation, from the other side of the fence. My 8-year-old (A) and a girl in her class (B) were mean to a third girl in their class © last year at school. The three girls had always been such good friends prior to this incident. I didn't know anything about what had been happening at school until C's mother spoke to me at a swimming lesson and told me what had been happening. I was so upset that I cried, and I apologised profusely to C's mother. My daughter had never done anything like that before that I knew of (and has never done anything like it since). What I suggested to this mother that we do was that (a) I would speak to my daughter and tell her that her behaviour was completely unacceptable, (b) I would speak to the parents of B, who I know well, and tell them what had been happening and © my daughter would invite C over to play one on one and we would get the friendship back on track. The upshot was that I did what I said I would do, and everything was fine again. Unfortunately, the parents of B didn't think the bullying was a big deal and didn't do anything with B to address it. In fact, they thought the incidents were "funny". The end result has been that B has gone on to bully other children at school and is beginning to struggle socially. Very sad for B.

This post has been edited by Cath42: 09/01/2013, 11:53 AM

[~littlebirdy~]

I think it depends on their age too. My 5 yr DD had a similar thing yesterday and didn't want to go at first (not as strongly as yours though) but we did go and she had a good time. Previous issues have been because of a 3rd friend in the mix which never works.

[SylviaPlath]

I wouldn't make her go. I know that you can't cotton wool them forever, but as an adult, I wouldnt go to something knowing that I would be excluded. It would be like torture. So why would it be any different for a child. She made the decision, she owns it.

My suggestion would be to talk to the parent and tell them what DD told you. Any decent parent would be horrified and would have a good stern talk to their child about it and make sure that this behaviour stops. They can also keep an eye out. I would then tell DD what I have done and give her the option of choosing to go or not.

I wouldn't lie to the parent. The only way anything can be corrected, is if the person, or in this case, the parent of the person is aware of the situation.

[JAPN2]

Is the additional friend going to be there? Three never works IMO especiallty with girls.

Yes, I think that you should talk to the parent and then your DD should give child another chance.

Resiliance is a life skill needed by us all.

[fifi-trixibelle]

Is there just going to your DD and the one other girl there this time?

[Sunnycat]

I wouldn't send her if the other girl is going to be there as well and I'd just tell the mum she doesn't want to go.

If the other friend isn't going to be there I'd try to encourage her to go but wouldn't force it.

[Holidayromp]

Why force the issue? It is meant to be fun for all concerned. If she doesn't want to go don't. Be up front and tell the other mum why and leave it at that. If the Mum says that the girl won't be there then take it from there but follow your daughter's lead. It is not much fun being on a playdate and feeling leftout and unwanted.

[Natttmumm]

I wouldn't force her and I'd tell the mum she didn't seem herself and wasn't up for it today

[protart roflcopt...]

As pps have said, I found that 3 girls playing together mostly ended in tears. The dynamic seemed to be 2 against 1, didn't matter which 2 or 1.

So if there are the 3 of them playing today it could very well happen again, but if it is a one on one playdate she will probably be ok.