[Ella Minnow Pea]

I don't want to make this too long, i'm writing on my iphone at 1am in my solitary hospital room and am trying to not feel so freaked out by what i just went through.
I'm sure it's far from the worst birth story ever, and both me and baby have escaped with relatively little damage. I'm not 'disappointed' per se, it was just so horribly violent. I'm overtired after 5 days of prelabour, and had to be induced after my waters broke but contractions weren't progressing. I went from 2cm to 10cm in 4 hours (thank god for pethadine) but then had a horribly prolonged period of trying to push what i had been told would be a small sized baby but turned out to be over 9lbs and round the wrong way. Ages of trying to get her out with the vacuum, episiotomy, and then her shoulders got stuck and the obs was pulling her up and down for what seemed forever while the midwives pushed on my belly to try to squeeze her out. And then she wasn't breathing when they got her out, but luckily a bit of oxygen got her going.
The paed said her shoulders don't seem to be damaged. Everyone is telling me i'm a champion. She is too distressed to breastfeed and due to the amount of blood i lost it was decided i should be alone for the night to rest. Luckily she's calmed down and is asleep and will hopefully stay that way in the nursery.
So i'm alone. Too upset to rest. Hooked up to an iv and a catheter. And every time i move it seems i gush more blood. And i feel so disconnected from the good parts of what just happened, my beautiful baby and the look on my dh's face when he looks at her.
I know i will feel better tomorrow as i begin to heal, but i just needed to get this out so i feel a little less alone.

[Kafkaesque]

So sorry your birth wasn't ideal. But congratulations! I can't suggest much but strongly suggest you press the call bell and ask for something to help you sleep.

All the best for coming days with your new baby.

[Xiola]

Oh dear katem666, I hope you're OK. I can completely relate to your experience having had a very similar experience with my first. Be gentle with yourself. I was in shock for a bit afterwards and really struggled to be around people (everyone wanting to see the new baby etc) so make sure you listen to your self and what you need.

Take care. It really is a traumatic experience to go through when it's like that and it takes time to heal from.

[Mummy Em]

I am so sorry to hear that! If you want to you can ask for your baby to be brought back at any time, don't feel you have to go along with that if you don't feel it is helpful. I had a traumatic birth and I understand that feeling of disconnection with what happened and even from your baby. Connecting with my baby didn't take too long, I was pretty wrapped with her. Processing what had happened took a bit longer. You should be able to get debriefed through the hospital and I highly recommend that you take advantage of that.

[GladRags]

Welcome to the outside world little DD and Congratulations to you and your DH!!!

Katem666 look after yourself, you have been through an ordeal and half. It is going to take a while to recoup and recover, just make sure you look after yourself and don't do too much. Just concentrate on you and your brand new bubba, the rest of the world can take care of itself for a while!!!

Play with the iphone for a while then put it away and sleeeeeeepppppp.

[Leeloomina]

Oh you poor thing. Maybe just focus on the positives tonight so that you can get some rest? But make sure you find someone to talk to when you are up tomorrow as PP suggested.

And congratulations!

[Alina0210]

Also feel free to contact a post natal Doula in your area, handy to be able to talk to someone who isnt family and someone you can vent too and can understand...

Depending on what state your in, i could forward on names and numbers if you like.

This post has been edited by Alina0210: 09/01/2013, 01:24 AM

[TTC2013]

Op I second talking to your midwives/nurses about how your feeling.. It's all well and good for them to send DH home for you to rest but if that's not happening maybe it's time for a plan change. Make sure when the doctors come in (prob in the am) you ask for a debrief.
Congratulations on the birth of DD I hope she's back with you very soon

[*lightning]

Congratulations! Doesn't sound like a smooth birth but you did it and now you have a beautiful baby, well done.

I understand that alone feeling when your in hospital and I only relaxed when I got home. If you need to speak with someone buzz and tell a midwife how you feel, they will know how to help you or get in contact with someone you can talk to.

Remember you can ask for your baby back anytime and they will encourage close contact and feeding. I understand how difficult it can be when your baby is a little distressed and won't feed. My DS2 was difficult to feed straight away due to a fast birth, he was shocked.

As your body heals you will start to feel better and If want to sleep but can't, ask for something to help you sleep. Don't suffer through it, rest when you can and enjoy your new baby!

[Ella Minnow Pea]

Thankyou to everyone for the lovely, sensible, sympathetic and helpful replies.
I think i had a bit of a panic attack not long after writing my post, but taking pp's advice i buzzed for a nurse, and just talked to her a bit about how i felt until i calmed down. I'm not sure she fully understood what i wasupset about, but it was still helpful to have someone listen and reassure me that everything's gonna be ok.
I then managed to fall asleepfor a couple of hours, and while i am wide awake again at 3.30am, and keep startling awake 'reliving' a moment of the labour when i do try to get back to sleep, i feel a lot calmer and can't wait to see dd and dh in a few hours. Hopefully i can be moved to a roomwhere dh can stay over, cos he is the person who can calm me down best of anyone and iknow his presense will help me sleep and relax. Will def talk to dr and nurses about that asap.
Thanks again everyone.
Ps omg i had a baby! I HAVE a baby!