[Zanbam]

Hi

My DH and I are currently TTC and I am a forward thinking and positive kind of person so I'm looking for some unbiased advice from mums whose kids have been in this position and stepmums who have been in this position.

My DSD (who I totally and have a lovely relationship with) is five, potentially she will be six by the time we conceive (hopefully it will happen faster than that though fx) and I think she currently has very limited understanding about where babies come from but knowing how curious and clever she is I'm sure the questions will start once we tell her that we are having one.

My question is, what do you think is an appropriate way to talk to her about this stuff. If it was your DD would you be upset that her SM had explained things to her (in what I think would be age appropriate but she might disagree)? I wish I had the kind of relationship with her mum that we could discuss this to take an agreed approach but my experience is that she turns our positives into negatives so I don't think I can go there. What do you think is the best way to go about this? Any other SMs out there been in this position?

I was thinking of using a book to help explain things as she loves books and reading, does anyone have any recommendations?

TIA

[Mummy Em]

I'm not a step parent and my kids don't have a step parent, so take my advise with a grain of salt. I think I would talk about how her dad and you love each other and wanted to have a baby, that the baby will grow inside your tummy for nearly a year before it is big enough to come out, that you will go to the hospital and the doctors and nurses will help get it out when it is ready etc. But I would redirect any questions about anatomical stuff to her mum.

I think she will probably be more interested in stuff like what relationship the baby will be to her (sister or brother!), is it a boy or girl, what will you call it, what can/can't a newborn do, will she be allowed to help look after it, will you still love her just as much if you have a new baby?

Re books: I read my dd1 There's a House Inside My Mummy by Giles Andreae; Baby on the Way by the Sears and Christie Watts Kelly and We Have a Baby by Cathryn Falwell.

[Holidayromp]

Without sounding harsh but it is not your place to educate the child on the birds and bees. Any of that information must be handled between the child's parents and most likely the mother.
You will be seriously overstepping the mark and I would be beyond furious if my ex's partner decided to take it upon herself to educate my child on that topic. It is a special moment not to be interupted by well meaning parties.

FTR: My Husband and I are not separated but I am giving advice on how I would feel should it be my situation.

This post has been edited by Holidayromp: 08/01/2013, 10:56 AM

[countrymel]

Not a parent nor a step parent but agreeing with the PPs.

The most furious I have ever seen one of my students (and she wasn't afraid of fury) was when her ex partner's new girlfriend took it upon herself to give a 'where babies come from' talk to their child.

As she said to me "If it had been her Dad telling her then I'd have been annoyed he hadn't talked to me first. But for 'that woman' to chose to give her *&#%ed up view of human sexuality to MY daughter.... I want to #@&^ing kill her!"

This is one you need to handball to your husband and his ex wife.

[Zanbam]

Thanks for the responses. I can totally understand that it is the role of the bio parents to explain this stuff and I wouldn't ever try and replace or take over that role.

I imagine that the questions will come thick and fast when we give the news and obviously dad will be there giving the news and so able to answer questions in the moment. I'm not sure why it would be the mum's place and not the dad's place to answer these sorts of questions though. My DH was still with his ex when their oldest was asking the q's when she was pregnant with the DSD I'm refering to and they had a similar and agreed approach to it so I think she would be fine with the way he responded to any questions and the approach taken.

I am just aware that it will probably be an ongoing topic of interest for her and that it could seem quite dismissive if to each question I say, ask your dad/mum, like I am trying to keep secrets. Currently we have a very open and trusting relationship and she often asks me questions/tells me 'secrets' (like a lolly treat that she got when out at the shops - not scary secrets), which I'm sure she does with her mum, big sister etc. I just want to be sensitive about it and go about it the right way.

[Holidayromp]

I am back in to say honestly do you need to give any talk if it was your place???!! DD2 who is 6 and was four when her brother was born did not ask any questions - she just accepted it. DD1 certainly didn't ask any questions when I was pregnant and then had DD2.
Just because people fall pregnant around children doesn't automatically mean how the baby got there in the first place should be automatically shoved down their throat.
If the child does ask questions and that is a big IF then off course direct to the bio parents because that is their decision. However if the bio mum will not allow the talk to go ahead based on whatever reason- please respect her wishes, just because you are pregnant does not instantly mean 'the talk' is required.
Keep the child's innocence a little while longer.

[Holidayromp]

I imagine that the questions will come thick and fast when we give the news and obviously dad will be there giving the news and so able to answer questions in the moment. I'm not sure why it would be the mum's place and not the dad's place to answer these sorts of questions though. My DH was still with his ex when their oldest was asking the q's when she was pregnant with the DSD I'm refering to and they had a similar and agreed approach to it so I think she would be fine with the way he responded to any questions and the approach taken.

ummm the probably won't. You will be very surprised on how accepting of a situation children are. I remember growing up with pregnant woman around me - I just accepted as it is, just as my kids did.

Kids do not need to know the ins and outs of a fly's a*s*hole just because something happens.

Take it as it comes, don't over think it but whatever you do don't overstep your boundaries.

[Zanbam]

ummm the probably won't. You will be very surprised on how accepting of a situation children are. I remember growing up with pregnant woman around me - I just accepted as it is, just as my kids did.

Kids do not need to know the ins and outs of a fly's a*s*hole just because something happens.

Take it as it comes, don't over think it but whatever you do don't overstep your boundaries.

If the questions aren't asked we definitely will not be putting on a slide show about the ins and outs of how to make a baby!!!!

I was curious at that age, but I don't expect all children would be and there will be no forcing down any throats, innocence will be maintained.

[PubertyBlues]

Uh oh....OP - put down your ideas about discussing the birds and the bees with your DSD and back slowly and quickly out of the room.....

Even when the relationship between exes is okay, the stepparent should NEVER NEVER NEVER intrude on this sort of thing.

EVER.

Sure, once the news is out, you can share with DSD things about the pregnancy that are unique to you - can you feel the baby kick, what do we think we should name it, who do you think it will look like etc etc.

But the birds and the bees? No way.

On a couple of occasions when they were younger, my stepkids asked me where babies come from. They live with us and have done for years, but it's STILL not my place to introduce them to it - answer more detailed questions they may ask when they get older, but having "the chat"? No way.

Before they were given the chat (by their Dad), I used to respond in an age appropriate but not dismissed way. A snigger and "I'm sure Dad will fill you in at some stage" or "Why don't you ask Dad - I think he has a book somewhere that explains it" or (my favourite, and the one that staved the questions off the fastest and wasn't strictly untrue) - "I could tell you, but honestly, it's so magic that you wouldn't believe me..."

Also make sure you put away any thoughts of future "firsts" being carried out by you instead of DSDs Mum - including but not limited to:

- first trip to the hairdresser
- discussions about tampons vs pads
- shopping for bras
- first manicure/pedicure
- first mixed party
- any sort of school dance/formal (first or otherwise)
- hair dying
- piercing
- shaving/waxing
- learning to drive
- buying a bikini rather than a one piece
- buying any clothes that don't, in essence conform to how her Mum allows her to dress
- wearing makeup
- attending Mother's Day functions
- going to parent teacher meetings
- being included on medical matters, discussions and appointments

And then start getting your head around never being called Grandma (Mum gets first dibs on preferred grandparent title), not being able to go to speech/awards/dance/choral nights due to restricted tickets, and sitting anywhere near the top table at her wedding.

No joke, no sarcasm - in day-to-day life I come first for DH, no question - our relationship being healthy and strong is key to the kids happiness.

But when it's a question of a "mother figure" and motherly duties, functions, roles, discussions and "firsts" then there is no competition - the kids Mum gets first dibs every time.

Irrespective of the person she may be, how uninvolved she may be, how clear it may be that she may or may not be the primary carer, her personal views or negativity (as the case may be). She gets to choose/attend/discuss/decide etc.

Every time.

[Pooks*potters]

How about when you find out you are pregnant, the father calls the mother of your DSD and announces the news. The two of them can discuss how to proceed. And you then support that.