[greenthumbs]

I am really struggling at the moment. Our little man is only 16months! and I'm just not coping. I'm terrified that if this is only the beginning of toddlerhood, how on earth will I survive the next few years!

I found the newborn - up to 1 stage lovely. Breezy, cruisy enjoyable. Now, I find I rarely enjoy my little boy. I know that a huge reason for this is that I don't get time to myself to recharge. We cosleep which means he wakes when I do, still wakes a few times for feeds overnight, and usually gets up within 5-10mins of me. He only sleeps 45 to 60 mins during the day which is when I do actually have down time, but he will usually only sleep in his little flip out couch on the living room floor and I spend the whole time praying he won't wake up whilst tip toeing around trying to get a small amount of housework done. He is currently doing the tantrum thing when even the smallest thing doesn't go his way. Doesn't like me doing anything not directly related to him (cooking, cleaning, tidying etc) Will only be comforted by me, not DP. You can't move in the house because of all the toys, I can't keep on top of cleaning, tidying, washing, cooking etc etc etc. I have constant headaches from the teeth clenching

We don't have a routine as such as we've never been good at that. Also I wonder if a routine works if you regularly have to mess with it - we have family dinner every week which goes til way past what a bedtime should be and then we have to drive home - he doesn't stay asleep on the move to bed. Plus I work 2 days which means it's so hard to get dinner early and into bed. (I'm so impressed by full time working parents - how the heck do you do it!!?)

I'm also struggling with discipline. Distraction has usually worked until now, but that's not as easy now, and because I'm so stressed, I'm finding myself yelling (never ever did when he was younger) which I hate - I'm sure our neighbours think I've gone feral

I understand I'm just going through what everyone else with kids goes through, but I just wonder how have others survived this time. MIL seems to have never had these problems, my mum says I have to let him cry to sleep, so not alot of help there (although for my mental health, I'm considering some sort of controlled comforting).

So, does it get easier? Do you just get used to the crap? Are your senses just dulled over time so you don't realise how crap it all is? Should I just bunker down and hope for the best? (We were going to try for another baby later this year, but, seriously questioning this now as I assume they won't be close enough to benefit from being little friends?).

How do you do it?

[SplashingRainbow...]

Sorry you're finding it so tough greenthumbs. Toddlers can be challenging - but delightful too!

I hope you don't mind me saying - but I think perhaps you need to look at changing some of your habits as they seem to have stopped working for you.

I find good routines give my toddler the best chance of success. As does decent sleep. Good food, good sleep, stimulating and physical activities, a nap an quiet time are crucial to my toddler.

I certainly don't watch the clock, but we do do breakfast, lunch, dinner, nap and bath at similar times each day. I also talk a lot about what we are doing, what's coming up next etc. My son can now tell me what the nighttime routine is. It gives him the best chance of success.

In my opinion (and I had a challenging sleeper) I think you need to do something about his night sleep and day sleep. If he is cranky and waking a lot, and you're stressed and "touched out" then it doesn't sound like its working for either of you. And it is really important to helping you all have a good day and good night.

Is your child at daycare while you work? Mine is so we follow their routines as home so that his day is consistent as possible. If you don't use daycare perhaps look at the tresillian routines for a guide.

We certainly do go out at night and break routine when it suits us to do so. The fall out usually occurs next day for us. I have also had to come to terms with the fact that while I have a toddler we need to consider his needs as well as ours, and his need to eat well and sleep well are more important than my want to catch up with people regularly at times that don't suit. Most people are very happy to work with us to find a time that suits everyone or we leave him with grandparents if its going to be a really late night.

Of course we go out at night for people's birthdays or special occasions, but if our friends and family just want to catch up then daytime works much better for us and we say just that. We will accommodate them in that way when they have young children too.


Something to think about anyway. You can enjoy this time - toddler laughs cuddles and kisses are just the best.

This post has been edited by brighton14: 04/01/2013, 07:48 AM

[Jenflea]

Ok, this is my 2 cents.

I'd stop the co sleeping and the night feeding. I think a lack of sleep for both of you might be contributing to the problems. i know if I've had little sleep I'm REALLY short tempered with my 2yr old, which really isn't fair on her. She's just a kid, learning her way in the world.
Work on the sleep first. I'd do my best to get him to sleep in his cot (or your bed) for a decent day nap too if possible. i used to lie down with my DD at the same age(but she slept at night in her own bed/cot). I'd rest and she'd sleep. It was great!

Don't do housework when he's asleep, do it when he's awake. let him 'help' with it. sort pegs, hand you washing etc. involve him in stuff.
Clear out toys and junk you don't use. I bought some cheap woven boxes from the Asian shops(the old $2 shops where nothing is 2 bucks anymore lol) and put all the toys in there sorted into type. Cars in one, dinosaurs in another etc. Keep it all in one place if possible.
Get him to help tidy each night.

Discipline:I think he's too young for it, apart from distraction. What is he doing which is upsetting you? Can you block him off from things so he can't get into it?

Possibly get a cleaner 2 or 3 hours a week, get your husband to help out more.

My 2yr old is delightful! Trying, but so much fun now she's more interactive. I can't do much for her though, she has to do it ALL herself! that's what I struggle with, I'm used to doing things FOR her, I forget she's her own little person who wants to be independent and learn the ways of her world.


Good luck!

[wrena]

Sounds like you desperately need a break for both yours and your son's sake. Is there any family around who can help? How supportive is your partner? I found 12-16 months really tough with lack of sleep (we also co-sleep and breastfed overnight at that age) and constant breastfeeding while our DD got her first molars. What I did was got up early (5.30) so that I had time for a run (me time) in the morning before my DP went to work, asked for help as much as possible, ate super healthily to keep my energy up and was as generally kind and gentle on myself as possible. I also tried to keep conscious of the fact that our DD was having a really tough time too and gave her as much love and tenderness as I could while being aware of my own limits and calling in whatever backup I could when I'd reached them. It's very normal for toddlers at that age to only want mum, but if you're not coping I think it is perfectly ok to leave your son to cry in the loving arms of his father while you find some calm.

That stage was tough for all of us, but personally I've found 18 months to two years the best age yet - and I loved the baby stage too. There is light at the end of the tunnel!

It sounds as though your son isn't getting anywhere enough sleep which would certainly explain the tantruming (much as I hate that word to describe a young toddler in distress). If you do want to go down the controlled comforting route, you may find the Aware Parenting or RIE approach to sleep more compatible with your needs. Best of luck! It does get easier.

Now at 2 my partner does all the bedtimes and night time parenting (which he loves) and I get evenings with my girlfriends and an hour of exercise a day. Yay! We've come such a long way without putting our LO's needs to the sidelines.

[Xiola]

Routines make all the difference in the world and really suit most toddlers (and parents too). Messing with it a little won't hurt at all especially if it's a weekly thing which makes it part of the routine. As for early dinners on your working days, could you sometimes cook double on your non working day and have that meal ready to go in the freezer or something for your DS at least so he's still on track?

Getting your DS to sleep better at night will help his day sleeps too hopefully giving you a nice 2 hour or so window of down time. It will take time to get this going but it will be worth it in the long run and consistency is the key whichever method you choose (i.e. controlled comforting etc).

Also consider not feeding him at night. He doesn't need it anymore as long as he's eating well in the day. I've recently stopped feeding my DD (16 months) at night and it's made the world of difference to her sleep. A few weeks ago I was feeding her to sleep and then she'd wake up every few hours wanting the same, sometimes not settling for 3 hours or so until I fed her again. It was doing my head in!!! I just started giving her her night time feed with a dim light on and gently talk to her the whole time. Then we turn the light off together, have a cuddle and she sleeps through the night now for the most part (wakes sometimes for some water but straight back to sleep).

You also need to get some time for yourself, even if it's just a walk or doing the groceries by yourself (I really loved this with DS1).

I hope you get things sorted soon. Toddlers are tricky but they're also so lovely too

[mummy2amelia]

The first thing that struck me is the sleeping. He needs a decent nap. I too put my DS in my bed and sleep/rest while he is asleep. A 2 hour nap can do wonders for your patience!

There is defiantly morning and afternoon tea no matter where/what we are doing. They get so ratty without regular food.

I find that my kids work better with a routine too. Not set in stone and not to the minute. They seem to like to know how their day will work. Just knowing there will be regular food and a nap/rest time seems to do the trick.

[GaugeousBosons]

I like Jenflea's suggestions. She's a good egg.

My lot are 13, 11 and 8. Despite my best efforts, they seem to be thriving.

I'd also suggest trying to see it from your sons perspective.

Developmentally, it's huge. He's just learnt to walk. And that's fantastic for him. Suddenly he can start getting to places under his own steam. Independence, phwoar! And he's discovering that his mum won't let him do a bunch of sh*t that he feels he's earnt the right to do. So that's worth getting p*ssed over.

He'd rather like to tell you that you're cramping his style, but while he can understand all sorts of things, he isn't quite able to articulate it with words. And he can't work that out. Poor little bugger. So that's uber frustrating, and he's not the hulk, which, frankly, we can all relate to.

He needs to get lots of rest so that his brain can process all the stuff he can and can't do. But if he closes his eyes, he'll miss out on a bunch of potentially interesting stuff.

So the question is....what can you do to minimise all this frustration, rage and sadness?

And this is where Jenflea's post is good. The little guy wants to be a grown up. So find as many areas where he can feel that way as you can.

I strongly suspect he'll live to be a teenage boy. It's more satisfying to kill a teenager, anyway.

[junebuggy11]

Agree that you should get rid of/store/ sell some of the toys. They don't need a lot of stuff. My 19 month old has a few books and a small basket of stuff, which makes it easy to clear away of an evening.
Whats DH doing in all of this? Mine does the bulk of the house work and cooking, which means I can get some down time, and just hang out with my toddler, or go to the gym etc.
When you are working it can be hard to allocate time for you, as you can get swept up in all the household stuff.

I'm all for co-sleeping if it's working for you, but it doesn't sound like it's going that well at the moment. MAybe look into gentle ways of transitioning into a cot (can be in your room if feasible) might help with days sleeps too. My DS will sleep 3 hours in the day if I let him, and around 11 hours at night, unbroken, so I think your DS is probably not getting enough sleep, which has a compounding effect.

I do think personality has an effect, DS is an affable independent soul who will happily spend his day laughing and dragging his monkey from room to room. Means I'm not being touched a lot of the day, and am not having to hover constantly. Some days it seems is all I need to do for him is hygiene and food prep and the occasional BF.

Good luck, I don't think parenting a toddler should suck as much as you are experiencing.

[Roobear]

I really seem to be struggling with toddlerhood as well.

Both DD and now DS so far have been very easy to care for as babies but it is the high pitch screaming tantrums, the constant whinging which completely does my head in. This started all at 15 months with DD and we are still going but the things that have helped are daycare 1 day a week, we have just started time outs which helps us both, getting out the house which keep the whinging at bay and picking my battles. If she is happy and can't inflict serious harm on herself I let her keep doing what she is doing.

Hang in there OP! This too shall pass

This post has been edited by Roobear: 04/01/2013, 08:16 AM

[Steggles]

Add 2 x 3 year olds and you have my life! I so get the cosleeping and feeding through the night - I am thinking of trying Dr Jay Gordons night weaning. It is gentle (I will not consider any form of CC/CIO). I'm just too tired to contemplate it at the moment lol.

You need to get out though - can your husband watch your DS while you go out to the shops or a movie? I find that if I say goodbye to DD3 and she knows I am not there, she is ok.

Also, if you are constantly feeling down/overwhelmed and can't cope, please have a chat to your GP. I suffer from PND which seems to come along later (ie after 6 months). My hormones just seem to need levelling.

You are a good Mum, please do ask for help though!!!