[tomyoda]

Ok, so I am feeling a bit messed up at the moment, and need some assistance.........I was in a ten year relationship, up until mid 2012. The relationship wasn't bad, but certainly wasn't great. My partner didn't hold dear to him, any thing that I held dear to me, such as buying a home, travelling, and having more children. We obviously stayed together out of habit, until I took stock of my life, and realised that I couldn't go on like this, any longer.

My real problems started after I made the break. I was sad, but felt so liberated, knowing that I could focus on myself, and down the track, hopefully meet somebody wonderful to share my life with. One day, in August, I received an email from a US Marine, on deployment. I support troops overseas, by sending care packages, and buying random troops cups of coffee. It turns out that I had bought this Marine a cup of coffee, and he wanted to be pen pals. He told me that he was 25, and had 4 children, which was fine with me. I understand that relationships can break down, and that some people have their families young. I had my son when I was a teenager, and I empathised with the Marine, because to have 4 children so young, and to live on the opposite side of the country to them, would be so difficult. Anyway, we wrote, long, long, daily emails, full of the trivial and the not so trivial. He would make sure that I had an email to wake up to every morning, when he was flat out, he would send random messages, to say that he was thinking of me, etc. One day he sent a message from his iPhone, saying I think you are AMAZING, and another time he sent MUAH, one thousand times, when he knew I had been having a bad week:)

Our daily emails became very personal, and you have no idea how much I looked forward to them. I had niggling thoughts at the back of my mind, wondering why he stuck to emails, and didn't suggest instant messaging or Skype, but I made excuses and pushed them to the side. From time to time I would think that he is someone I have never physically met, I had seen pictures, and that was all.......he could be just a player. My family and friends would argue that he was definitely attached to me, and that a player wouldn't write the essays that he wrote daily, a player would want to instant message, and probably Skype. About a month ago, he told me his middle name....being the sticky beak I am, I Googled his name, and one page came up.....Valentines day, 2011, someone had 'bought' him a star, and that someone turned out to be his wife:(. I thought that I should give him the benefit of the doubt, and that maybe he had divorced in those 18 months.....so after a bit more Googling I found an old page, where there were pictures of him and his wife, when they were very young and having their second child, after having just gotten engaged. There were romantic notes that they had written to one another, and a note where she apologised to him for cheating on him. I felt like the biggest idiot, but I thought that if he had have been in a relationship, why would he have mentioned the fact that he had 4 children....why not hide it all? So, in my next email, I was honest with him, and asked him to be honest with me. He wrote back, and basically he apologised, and said that although it is messed up, he is glad that I am so attached to him. He said he is married, and very unhappy.

When I thought he was single, for all of those months, I couldn't believe how cynical he was, about love. He told me about all of the Marines he knows, who have been cheated on by their wives, while they are deployed, and how broken some of the men are. He mentioned a few times, how trapped he felt in his life, never elaborating, only saying that it wasn't because he had children. Then, when I saw the public notes he had written to his wife, years before, it was like it came from another person. I am not stupid, obviously his wife and he have a culture of cheating in their relationship, she lives in New York , and he is based in California, which is obviously not good on their marriage. I went easy on him, he didn't meet me on a dating site, and I know he doesn't owe me anything.....it's just that he implied so much, that he shouldn't have, and it really hurts, even now. He writes short emails once a week now, I still reply back, in a completely platonic way, because I don't think he is a bad person, just very mixed up. I am happy to be a friend to him, and have told him that I don't have to be a part of his life at all, and that he should just stop messaging me. He messaged me on Christmas day, telling me how stressed out he is, being back in the US, and that he is having a hard time adjusting. I try to be supportive, as a friend, and sometimes wish he would just de friend me on fb, and stop emailing me. I wish that I was strong enough to do it myself.

My family and friends know what he meant to me, for all of those months. They know that he is what inspired me to lose 17 kilos, to exercise every day and to stop biting my nails. They tell me that people come into your life for a reason, and that he has served his purpose in mine. I start to let go more and more, and then he writes again, usually four or five lines, and always sounding depressed. I truly want to be a friend to him, and to get out and meet other people, and I am currently doing that. I guess that people can read this, and say he is married, stay away, and I agree. I am holding onto the friendship we developed, and truly believe that he is too. I know that I gave him a lot of support while he was deployed, when he was ill, and trying to study on top of all of his work over there...why won't he just stop writing? It is not like I flirt with him any more, now that I know he is married. What benefit is there in him even bothering with me any more, especially considering our geographical locations? So much went on between us, more then I can ever explain here. Arggh, I am so sick of thinking about this? What would you do, considering the fact that I am emotionally invested in this person? Thank you for your help

[♥~Bodhichitta~♥]

First of all my heart really goes out to you. It's hard to open up to someone, and trust them with your heart.

You obviously cared about him a lot, and it hurts to know that he's not what you thought he was.

I think though that you did something amazing for him. He was obviously lonely and mixed up, and you provided him comfort, and someone to talk to. And he's probably really valued that, and is now feeling confused about the way he is feeling about you considering the circumstances.

I'm not sure I have any advice, but I wanted to say - please don't feel that the relationship you had was a waste of time.

You were there for each other, and gave each other happiness, even it was just for a short while.

[tomyoda]

Thank you, Bodhichitta . I really appreciate your reply....when I read your kind words, I started crying again, lol.......but I am so glad that you can see where I am coming from. I have always been a very logical person, but a romantic at the same time, so this whole situation has really thrown me. Thanks againxxxx

[raven74]

I am sorry you are hurting.
The fact is, he won't stop writing until you stop replying.
You need to remember, although this is so hard and bittersweet for you, that he lied. Either by omission or blatantly - only you know how. You invested in an emotional affair and he did not reveal his marriage. You supported him, invested in him and still are investing in him, no matter how platonic the friendship now is. I can see from your post how unhealthy this is for you.
What so YOU want out of this? Because right now, that's the important question.

[MooGuru]

This might be crazy advice to give but it sounds like you were previously very open and honest with him, so have you considered saying to him exactly what you've written here? It's like a summary of everything you feel and maybe he'll answer the questions you're asking. What is the worst thing that can happen?

Having said that I've never been in this situation so have no idea whether I would ever follow through this advice myself but it sounds like you need clarity (enough that you've posted here) and he's the only one that can give it to you.

Good luck!

[tomyoda]

Thank you, raven74 and MooGuru:)....Moo, I laid out my heart to him, after I found out the truth. I told him that I wasn't going to judge him too harshly, and that I understand that people can still be in a relationship, long after it has broken down. I told him that I didn't appreciate being seen as a diversion, if he was happily married, and just being a player, while away from the US. He told me that he would never treat me as just a diversion, and that he is very unhappy in his current life.

raven, he omitted the truth, and while I was hurt, I understood that he probably thought that we would email once or twice, and that would be it.....I don't believe that either of us envisioned that it would become as serious, as it did between us...there was never going to be a right time to tell me, without the risk of losing me, I guess. You are right, he won't be out of my life, unless I stop replying. I send him emails now, that are a couple of paragraphs, and nothing like the ones I used to write. In them, I am always upbeat, and share news, and funny anecdotes about my life and family, of who he is familiar with. .....it hurts that the past few weeks, he will reply roughly every 5 days, and thee past 2 weeks, he doesn't even refer to what I have written....one would think he was just being nice, and that is why I told him straight out to stop writing, if it is stressful having me write, and I will never bother him again.

I even had the 'door mat' thought that I wish I had never told him that I knew, because it changed everything.....but I couldn't have lived with that, obviously. Raven, you are correct....I insinuate that I want him out of my life, and the logical, self preservation part of my brain does.....but to be truthful, I don't really want him gone. This is really unhealthy, and I am hoping something will just click, and make me strong again....or that he will cut me off, and take the choice away....

[opethmum]

I think you should take a big huge step back and think about what he might be doing to you. You don't really know what is going on in his life on a day to day basis and he may be telling you an almighty lie. He may be unhappy in his marriage but that is for him to sort out not you and I would be redirecting him back to his wife and kids. You both have kids and you need to put them first, you are a mother and you need to be focusing on your children and not some nutter on the other side of the world. Your children are probably hurting given your recent break up and they need stability and direction and I think by relying on this person to fix you is doing you and your children damage.
You need to stop and really grow up and realise that you probably need to be alone and focussing on providing your kids a peaceful happy life and find contentment in other things. You are doing yourself a disservice as well, if he is willing to emotionally cheat on his wife what makes you think he will ever be loyal to you.
When you are a mother you don't get a choice to gamble with your future, your future is decided in that you must do your utmost to rear your children and do the best you can with what you have.
FWIW I don't think most military wives cheat on their spouses, yes it is hard but I think that it is a lie to make his justification on cheating on his wife better in your eyes.
Your relationship is based on a lie and you don't want that surely, what person would. You know what you should do so just get on with it and move on and leave this nutter behind and just focus on being yourself and meet new people in your area and find contentment in the simple things rather that somebody who lies to you.

[Chedasha]

Cut all contact. I would hazard a guess everything about him is a lie. It s easy to do on the net.

I recently watched tall hot blonde about a lie fuelled internet affair and people will weave any web. Back in the late nineties early 2000 when icq was the way to chat every second person was lying.

[ms flib]

I think he took advantage of you. He had all the power in your relationship plus a wife and 4 children!

This is part of the process of making new relationships. Sometimes things don't work out - that's OK, it's normal.

It's probably time to move on. I'd recommend you do things IRL that you love and where you can meet people. The internet is not the best place for relationships.

You sound sensitive and sensible. Let it go.

All the best!

[Cath42]

I couldn't read this thread and not reply. I'm so sorry that things have turned out the way they have, OP. I'm assuming that you live in Australia and he is in California?

Are this man and his wife actually still together? It sounds to me as though they separated a while ago. They may be still married, but he lives in California and she lives in New York with their 4 children. I would have thought that unless there were extenuating circumstances, such as a child with special needs, a serviceman's family would move with him if he was posted across the country. Certainly, that tends to be what happens in Australia.

But even if they've separated, I guess that doesn't answer the question of where this relationship between he and you was going to go. He has 4 kids he's financially responsible for and needs to see as often as he can. Even if he and his ex-wife live on opposite sides of the US, they're still in the same country. Leaving the US is just not an option for this guy. I don't doubt for one minute that his feelings for you aren't genuine. He wouldn't have kept writing the way he did if he didn't care about you and think about a life with you. It was probably the only thing that got him through his deployment. But I suspect that now that he's back in California and dealing with the minutiae of demands of everyday life, he's realised that this relationship is a pipe dream. He's there - and he can't leave the counry his kids live in (and no doubt doesn't want to leave his kids) - and you're here, with your own family commitments. And there you both stand, ad infinitum. Sometimes in this life, we meet the person of our dreams, but the circumstances or the timing are wrong and there's nothing that can be done about it. This may well be one of those tragic situations.

I don't think he meant to hurt you, or to lie to you. I think he met someone he could bare his soul to, who he realised he cared about very deeply, and who he could never be with because of circumstances beyond the control of both of you. If you don't want him to back off, tell him not to back off. There azre still a lot of things you and he need to talk through, and even though circumstances have kept you apart there is still a lifelong friendship to be had.