[*birdie*]

Hi all
My husband (of 17 years) has had a realy rough year with his health.
He ende up with a facial skin cancer coming back (had a removal and graft three years ago for the same cancer) but it came back and he had to have the same proceedure again in August. At that time they told him that they thought, from what they could see, that it had gotten into his nerves and would go into his brain, the diagnosis for which was not good at all.
So for two months we thought he was screwed, but the pathology came back that it wasnt in his nerves, although he did have additional surgery to make the margins clearer.
Our relationship has been long and up and down, we have both been pretty dysfunctional, but have also worked really hard in the last 18 months and made massive massive changes to how we relate and feel and treat each other. We have been happier than ever and more healthy and functional than i thought possible - i can confidently say he has felt the same because we have talked about it in therapy together.
Two weeks ago (the night of the 2nd surgery), he couldnt sleep, next day he announced he wanted a divorce, he said the idea came to him in the middle of the night.
He says the mortality issue has made him relaise he wont be happy with me, thats its too hard work.
I am devastated, we have two amazign children (8 and 6) who he adores and who adore him.
He's a really beautiful and good man (though troubled in a lot of ways i guess, but so am i).
He is also a really stubborn man and i have watched in the last two weeks as he has developed this idea and twisted situations and memories to support the concept.
i love him, real love which means that even though i am so sad i do feel massive compassion for him because i see he is hurting too. I think he is confused about how this idea has grown (out of nothing) to seem so rational and certain - i certianly am confused.
I've posted this here in the hope that someone who has dealt with these issues might be able to help me understand what he is going through.
For the record i dont think i can control this, nor stop him if it is what he needs to do, but my i am deeply heartbroken and understanding another perspective may help me cope. If we had been in a rough patch in the marriage this might be easier to accept, but we have literally never been better.
thanks

This post has been edited by *birdie*: 07/01/2013, 02:00 PM

[babatjie]

I don't think it is a good idea to make a massive life changing decision when going through a stressful time. Will he try counselling again?

It is clear you really love him, I hope it works out for the best of both of you.

[Mousky]

Oh god! I'm so sorry

I think the only thing you can do is be there for him when he needs it. He doesn't sound open to any councelling, and pushing the idea might push him away. It might be good to seek some councelling yourself. What a horrible situation.

[*birdie*]

thanks for the replies...
he announced this idea in a couples therapy session, our therapist is really shocked.
he has he own therapist too - there is no shortage of councelling.

[howdo]

Is he actually covering up the opposite? That he doesn't want to put you and the children through the heartache of possibly losing him to the cancer? I have heard of that happening but don't know if/of anyone who's ever really done that.

[whoisme]

howdo Posted 23/12/2012, 02:19 PM
Is he actually covering up the opposite? That he doesn't want to put you and the children through the heartache of possibly losing him to the cancer? I have heard of that happening but don't know if/of anyone who's ever really done that.

This is exactly what I was thinking. I know my reply is late and I wish you and your family all the best.

[*birdie*]

Hi all
Just thought i would update.
He is leaving - he ended a 17 year relationship via email, after hanging up on me.
I'm pretty much heart broken, confused and terribly sad.
Not helped by the fact that he is being really hostile (in a passive aggressive way) and hurtful. I guess for me the only thing worse than him walking out, is him walking out in such a cruel way and dishonouring what we have built and shared for the last two decades.
He's the only man i have ever loved - so (at 38) this is my first heartbreak - wow, it's really bad.
I am trying to remain dignified and to "walk in grace", but it is really hard when someone knows you so incredibly intimately and so when they want to hurt you they know exactly what to say...
He actually isn't a bad person, but he's clearly too broken.

jess

[Beancat]

Jess - I am so so sorry for you, your children and your husband. he is clearly a broken man and needs to be by himself. Once things settle down, could you talk to him about this being a separation rather than a divorce?

his is just so sad. I am dovorced too, but we didnt have kids. We'd been together 10 years and there is just so much loss you feel as your identity is interconected with this other person.

All i can say is make sure you have support, take help when offered and look after yourself and your chidren

[sakura73]

I am so sorry. In my experience the passive aggressive hostile thing comes from defensiveness. He probably already knows he is being an a@#e.

I was the one with cancer, and my partner left me twice: once during chemo and once a year later. Both times he did it really disrespectfully. He said the things he knew would hurt me most. Both times, he ended up coming back because it was the stress of other things, including my treatment, which had made him freak out. Like you I felt compassion for him and so I was able to understand, though it was so painful.

"Walking in grace" is such a good idea, though it is hard. After all, there are many years of shared parenting ahead of you, and who can really say what will happen between the 2 of you? Best to behave in the way most likely to be the way you are proud of in the long term. If he comes back, wonderful. If he does not, you will at least know you always behaved in a way which was conducive to him coming back.

but in the short term, I hope you have friends and family to lean on. Make sure you take care of yourself. If this phase of your life is ending, in time there will be a new phase, though right now that seems impossible and horrible to contemplate.

[Mumma_G]

I am so sorry to hear this. Its not uncommon for men in particular to disconnect from families when they face terminal illness or the possibility of it. Can you speak to his family and let them know that you are concerned and would keep an eye on him. I would be worried about his state of mind.