[PureBliss]

Thanks for reading, I realise this topic will have come up before.

I currently have 1 DD (2.5) who is the absolute love of my life. Motherhood is everything I thought it would be and more. I always envisaged a family of at least 2 kids, maybe even 4.

Then I discovered the reality of pregnancy. Don't get me wrong, compared to others out there, I know I was lucky. I fell pregnant straight away. However, I was not a pregnant woman that glowed. I felt sick, uncomfortable or in pain every day for nine months. As soon as I got over the morning sickness, I developed haemmoroids at twenty weeks that got progressively worse. At 38 weeks they were surgically removed. I then had DD by c section ten days later.

The haemmoroid surgery was the most horrific experience of my life. The pain was excruitating and it took six months to recover to the point that I could go to the toilet without pain. I obsessed over my diet as every bowel motion was such an ordeal. I had flash backs/nightmares about it for months. Fair to say, I have been terrified of being pregnant again ever since.

But over time, I guess I listened as people said, "every pregnancy is different", "maybe you won't get them again". My GP felt that we could do things differently to manage a future pregnancy and not to let that stop me having another child.

I saw my OB this week, and it wasn't a pleasant visit. Being back in his office just brought the whole experience back. Within 5 mins I was tearily asking what we could do differently "next time" as I could never go through that again. His advice was that he could almost guarantee I would get haemmoroids again, and that the only difference might be that the would deliver the baby first next time, haemmoroid surgery would come second. There is nothing he could do to prevent the haemmoroids getting to "surgery stage". Apparently this is "my journey".

Whilst my recovery was long last time, I haven't been left with any life long effects. He said I was lucky, and if I had the surgery again, I may be left with ongoing complications.

I was shattered. I felt I had a glimmer of hope for a more enjoyable future pregnancy and that has been dashed. I now have serious reservations about my ability to do it all again, though deep down I know I would love my DD to have a sibling.

I know there are women out there who risk their lives to have children, spend entire pregnancies bed bound, etc. etc. I just don't feel I can do that. I want to be the best mother to DD and enjoy every minute of her. If it was just a nine month pregnancy that I was "compromised" for maybe I could do that, but the recovery from haemmoroid surgery makes it a much longer and more miserable proposition. I have finally got my body right and to tempt fate by risking long term complications doesn't feel like I am doing the right thing by me or my family, even if it means we remain a family of 3 instead of 4.

So how do I make peace with just having one? How do I answer the constant question from everyone I meet as to "when I am having the next one?" Part of me feels so guilty for not being prepared to sacrifice myself for another, and then self preservation kicks in.

If you have got this far, thank you. Would love any advice you can offer.

[meggs1]

I don't know if this is a silly question, but is the OB the best doctor to ask. Could you get a second opinion from a gastroenterologist? Maybe theres a way out of your dilemma.

[Chedasha]

So sorry to hear. I had a HG pregnancy then at around 20 weeks I too got haemorrhoids which were very painful.

I did read that surgery was a harsh procedure and terrible recovery and did not guarantee they wouldn't return. I tried every remedy known to man and eventually they receded.

I will only have DD because of HG and other reasons. But I am fine with that.

[elmo_mum]

i was one of those on bed rest, high risk pregnancy - i spose its a pregnancy, i had a baby it lasted only 24 weeks.....

next time i need a stitch before we ttc then bed rest as soon as i get a bfp (if not before hand) and then its only fx that i go to 30, and that we have no complications, and that bubs is healthy....

we have made a (heartwrenching) decision that we are only having one

it breaks my heart... i want another one - the risks out way the end result...

im slowly coming to terms with it.
will be more emotional when i see my ob and say - considering my history, i hate the implanon - please remove all my bits...

im seeing a psych - maybe that would be a start?

[Unatheowl]

Can't really give advice but I can tell you I understand. I had 2 awful pregnancies and PND. For this reason I won't have another one. Dh and I just wouldn't survive it. Perhaps I am different because I'm also not that enamoured with being a mother so stopping is as easier decision. Don't worry about what others say to you. They haven't walked a mile in your shoes. Make the decision that is right for you. I

[lovealpacas]

I have a similar situation, but I guess it's a bit easier because I have 2 children already. My severe health issues ended when DD2 was born, however should DH and I have any more children, any future pregnancies could be much worse, and given that I had issues looking after DD1 while I was pregnant, there would be no way I could guarantee I could look after both girls if I fell pregnant again.

Like you OP, I always wanted more than 1 child, I wanted a big family, 4 kids, 3 at the very least. First pregnancy wasn't too bad, a bit of swelling that was closely monitored from about 28 weeks. Second pregnancy, I had no pregnancy-related issues, but other health issues that flared up which compromised my ability to care for DD1 (my mum had to fly down to stay for 2 weeks). It was during this time that I had to come to terms with the fact that this would be my last pregnancy. We can't bring ourselves to do it again, it wouldn't be fair to the girls.

TBH I still haven't come to terms with it. As DD2 has each milestone, I am happy and sad as well, as she is the last baby I'll have who rolls for the first time, smiles for the first time, crawls for the first time etc. I also wanted to have a big family because I grew up with lots of cousins, but both DH and I only have one sister each, and they are interstate, so our kids won't have lots of cousins, so I wanted them to have a few siblings instead IYKWIM.

When people ask if we're having any more, I just say we can't.

[lamarque]

Hi OP, I've suffered from haemorrhoids since I was a teenager and there is a longstanding family history of them too (my Dad and brother have both had surgery).

My first pregnancy was ok but giving birth obviously changed all that. I've never been in your position of needing surgery though.

I suffered an injury giving birth to my second child and I won't be having anymore because of that. There is no way I could look after my two children if I was pregnant again and I couldn't go through the agony of being pregnant.

I'm not sure what you can do or how you go about explaining to people other than saying 'medical reasons'. I sometimes do say 'medical reasons' if I'm not in the mood to explain. It normally keeps people quiet.

I would definitely see a counsellor too.

All the best.

[magicalmum]

I'm so sorry you had such a difficult pregnancy with your DD. I'm going through a difficult pregnancy right now (emotionally mainly, but also physically) and I know when it comes to TTC again there'll be a lot to think about.
There's 2 things that I think are highlighted in your post.
1. Have you definately decided that you won't be going through pregnancy again? If yes, when people ask when is the next one just be straightforward and say "we will only be having one child" or something to that effect. You don't owe anyone an explanation as to why, that's your business. And you'll probably find a direct answer is enough to stop them asking.
2. If you're still deciding about whether to try again, I think it's perfectly reasonable to get a second opinion - both from an OB and a gastroenterologist. At least that way you'll feel like you have had a few specialists with a variety of experiences giving their opinion.
You never need to feel guilty for putting your health and the well being of your DD first. Good luck with your decisions and have a Happy Christmas.

[tortie82]

Hi OP- I am so sorry this has been so horrible for you and puts such pressure on what should be an easy decision. My dad is actually a surgeon and gastroenterologist and is one of the first in Aus to start removing haemorrhoids with a surgical laser instead of scalpel.The difference in the surgery is profound- local anaesthetic, not general- day surgery, meaning you go home that day, little bleeding, much quicker recovery etc (there are many more advantages but can't remember off the top of my head) Is there anyway you can see if you can find a surgeon who can perform the procedure for you (should it happen again) or at least discuss the difference with this method? Maybe your GP might know someone to refer you to? Where are you based? I can ask my dad for some names of people who he knows can do it? He's on the NSW central coast if that is near you? Good luck and I hope this helps.

[WinterIsComing]

Can you afford a surrogate? You seem to be a perfect candidate.

Shattering your body completely is too much to ask of yourself.

Good luck on your journey, I can understand how hard it is. Before I had my son, if someone told me I was destined to have only one child, I would have though nothing of it. After I've had him, the thought of only ever having one makes me very very sad.