[Riotproof]

My best friend and I got pregnant within weeks of each other. We have similarly aged children and had confided in each other about TTC. Everything was going fine, we were both so excited to be doing together and having another pair of peers.
Then at 17 weeks, I lost my baby. They don't know why, but it was a fairly traumatic labour at home. My due date has been and gone, and I felt almost a sense of peace. It was like I could finally say goodbye..
But now it's hitting me, she will be a mother of two in a couple of weeks, she will be left holding a baby and I won't.

I'm wondering whether anyone else has experienced something similar. How do I steel myself? I don't want to lose her, and she's been so understanding and trying hard not to hurt me.

[SuburbnJournalis...]

I'm so sorry for your loss. hugs.

What an awesome friend. Focus on how happy she will be and how happy you are for her. Be open with her if you need a moment to yourself but tell her how considerate she's been and how happy you are for her.

It's lovely that she's been so considerate of your feelings, definitely a friend you want to keep.

[ggirl30]

[/size]Hi, I am so sorry for your loss. I have a similar issue.I had a 7 week MC in August, but was due on the same say as a very closefriend. In fact 7 of my 8 closest friends were pregnant in 2012. Five havehealth babies, two are due in April and May. I have just had a 11 week missedMC (is that whats its called where the baby dies but you still have pregsymptoms, even on the day of D&C?). Its a tough gig dealing with other'sbabies, when your arms are empty. I ask myself what I need. Sometime I need to justcatch up with my friends with no babies, and sometime holding a baby is therapeutic.Close friends are usually pretty good at understanding, but importantly, youneed to look after yourself in this.

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[Sinister Bonnet]

I'm so sorry for your loss. hugs.

What an awesome friend. Focus on how happy she will be and how happy you are for her. Be open with her if you need a moment to yourself but tell her how considerate she's been and how happy you are for her.

It's lovely that she's been so considerate of your feelings, definitely a friend you want to keep.

Have you actually lost a baby? Because you sound utterly naive about how hard it is to be around dear friends who have the baby alive. Focusing on how happy she is and how happy you are for her when your baby is gone?

OP it's going to hurt, it's going to be painful and it's OK to be real about that. You can be joyful she has her wanted baby while still knowing it really sucks your baby died. Except sometimes the being joyful bit is hard.

[pitterpatter3]

My thoughts are with you in this difficult period of your life. I have had several miscarriages and it took years for me to be able to even LOOK at a pregnant woman and not feel like I was being stabbed in the heart. I can't begin to imagine the turmoil you are feeling.
Don't beat yourself up about how you feel and grieve. Could you explain to your friend you just find it too hard to be arouund newborn babies? I am sure as your best friend she wold have considered you may be feeling like this. Don't feel ashamed of your emotions. You are entitled to them and miscarriage is such a cruel, cruel thing.
I wish you all the best.

[**Anna**]

I am so sorry for your loss. I don't have any advice, I just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you.

[livingos]

I am sorry for your losses. It is a crappy time so just let yourself feel what you are feeling and try to find a "safe " person to vent to.
I have a group of friends formed from a pregnancy group with our first kids. As you can image we were all TTC #2 about the same time, unfortunately I was the first to fall and the first to lose. Like you one of my friends was due within a few weeks of me. I even steeled myself and went to see her in hospital when they had the baby. One day they kid of thrust the baby on me . I could deal with visiting but not with holding the baby. I am sure they were well intentioned. In that situation it isn't easy to say " ummm please take your baby back".
One of the girls in my group wasn't planning to ttc and she was my rock. She knew I was taking about my pain not being unhappy for our other friends per se.
That loss was a molar pregnancy so I couldn't even start TTC until the EDD, that and the health implications had me in a very dark place for a while.
Do your best and be honest. I met another friend when her boy was 7 months old and our baby would have been around that age too, plus I had another loss in the mean time. It was very hard to be around them at that time. Luckliy she understood why I was so detached.

Only time helps and it is a hard line to walk between not getting lost in the pain but giving yourself the space you need to grieve and work through it.
Lots of hugs.

[Riotproof]

Thank you all for your replies.

It hasn't been as bad as I feared. Sometimes I think the anticipation is worse than the event because we have so much more time to mull over the possibilities, imagining the very worst.
I arranged to meet her new baby at a time when our dh's could be there, because I figured at least if I fell apart, dh could do the driving home. And it was okay, I felt a bit weird, but otherwise okay. She offered me a hold and I declined.
I am a sahm, and she is coming from work, so I invited her to my Playgroup where because she knew no one else, I did end up holding her baby while she went out to her car. And again, it wasn't how I thought it would be, I didn't actually bother cooing or engaging, but it didn't hurt me.
I can now willingly pick her up and talk to her.

I'm not sure how it happened actually, it's like I've healed more than I thought I could. It's as if coming to that due date has meant I've said goodbye to the untapped potential I was grieving. I've stopped wondering who he or she might have been, for the most part. I think I have mostly forgiven myself for all the things I regret about that day, and while I'll never get to forget or stop regretting, it doesn't come to me as often as it did.

Being a meant to be Christmas baby, I bought a tear shaped glass ornament with white feathers inside, and that was a real help. I could see it from the sofa and it was reassuring whenever it caught my eye. . Since we packed up Christmas, I found I really missed it and so have put a 'bear of hope' someone gave me on the bookshelf. It helps just knowing she's there.

What has upset me is my friend is already making plans for number 3. Her ob gave her the clear to start at 6 months, which she's planning on and the whole time she was telling me this I wanted to scream at her. Why can't she appreciate the miracle she has? I do not want to be pregnant when she is, I don't want to wonder why they deserve it and we don't.
It's actually very unreasonable of me to expect her to put her life on hold for my feelings, but I felt she should have chosen her audience better. It really hurt because it was a reminder of the fact that I'm the mother of a baby no one will ever remember.

[fairyflossfart]

I am sure she is not trying to hurt you deliberately. It sounds to me as though you are not handling it as well as you thought you were.
In the first post you say she is being nice and trying not to hurt you, then in your last post you say she is upsetting you with talking about trying to have another baby.
I may be way off base, but maybe it would do you some good to talk to a councillor and try and work things out.

[roses99]

I think your feelings are perfectly valid and understandable. It's a funny thing, this concept of 'handling it well'. I think handling it well relates to being able to understand and process your feelings. It doesn't mean everything is peaches and cream. I agree your friend should have chosen her audience better. Do you have another friend you could confide in in the meantime?