[mumto1boy]

DS is in daycare 3 days a week. Last week I received a call advising that he had bit another child on the leg. It was the first time it had happened. Today I got another call, saying he had bit another girl on the arm. I'm really mortified and embarrassed as its happened twice now in a very short space of time.

The staff said they sat him down and tried to explain to him what he had done wrong. But DS's language skills is not that good (hes 21 months, but I think his speech is a bit behind the norm, we're on waiting list for speech therapy early next year). So they're not really sure whether he understood.

At home he does bite us sometimes, usually when he's really excited and gets a bit hyper when he's playing with us. So I guess he thinks its a game and its fun? We speak very sternly to him when he does it, to the point where he cries as we're raising our voice, but I guess it hasn't really gotten through because he's now doing it in daycare.

Has anyone been through this? Any advice, and did the phase pass relatively quickly? I really feel so bad.

He has also been on the receiving end, and has been bitten a few times before too at daycare.

[uniquelyme]

Don't feel bad, usually the kids who bite or hit, do so because they aren't able to communicate effectively. If he is getting particularly frustrated, if one of the other kids is taking things or even if he wants something someone else has...all of them are common reasons.
My child was not a biter, but he had some horrible bites from another child while at daycare. I never complained, until my son started whinging that the other boy kept hurting him all the time. This particular time the bite broke the skin through 3 layers of winter woolies :-/ I would never blame the child.
He will get through the phase, but get onto the speech as it should help things along quite a bit!

[michellew68]

Oh its so awful isnt it! My Ds is now 15 but I remember how embarrassing it was.
I believe it is all about being frustrated. Once they can communicate better it stops. People always told me to bite him back but I couldnt do it. I was quite strict on bad behavior so he was disciplined in an age appropriate way.

He hated everyone though and would deliberately step on a baby at playgroup or kick a grown up at the supermarket. He has turned out not at all psychotic!

[IVL]

We have been there. Our second DD went through an intense biting phase at the around the same age as your son. Although she was not at daycare she was home with our nanny and also went to playgroup and other places where there were lots of other kids she interacted with. Our nanny had some prior experience and suggested that when we saw this we immediately withdraw any interaction or attention from DD. So if we were holding her and she bit us we were to place her on the ground immediately and walk away or turn our backs to her. If she bit another child we could pick her up tell her no and move her away from the action again turning our backs to her.

This worked really well and we followed this approach consistently. Even if it meant putting her on the ground in the metro station in Hong Kong. It was all over within a few weeks and has not come back again.

Good luck.

[SeaPrincess]

Our nanny had some prior experience and suggested that when we saw this we immediately withdraw any interaction or attention from DD. So if we were holding her and she bit us we were to place her on the ground immediately and walk away or turn our backs to her. If she bit another child we could pick her up tell her no and move her away from the action again turning our backs to her.

This is what we did on the few occasions that each of the children bit us and it didn't last long. The daycare thing is more difficult though, and DD did bite for a short time (the same child 3 times, unfortunately - the parents wanted her to be asked to leave!). The carers indicated to me that each time it was because the other child took something away from DD so her reaction was to bite. Their response was to remove DD, explain that we don't bite, biting hurts, and encourage her to say "STOP! I don't like it" (which they used for any unwanted interaction). Once she started speaking better, it stopped.

[Cranky Kitten]

*raises hand* Another parent of the local piranha-baby here - DD would bite when frustrated at around that age and yes, it had a LOT to do with not being able to adequately express their feelings. It passed when she started talking more and being able to tell people what she wanted or how she was feeling.

But I boy do I remember the embarrassment seeing it on her day sheets!

[lisles]

My DD2 used to do this between the ages of 2 and 4. I was mortified, and worried she would be expelled from preschool.
I still don't know why, it certainly wasn't frustration at being unable to communicate as she was an early, very articulate speaker. I think possibly over excitement was a factor.

We tried the time out, explaining appropriate behaviour, isolating her from others when it happened and lots of other things. Nothing worked. In the end, out of sheer desperation, I bit her back one day after explaining that I wanted to show her why it was wrong.

Not politically correct, I know, and not what you want to try first up but I think for her she needed to experience the pain to realise what she was doing to others. She never did it again!

Biting is quite common in toddlers OP. There's a good chance your child will be on the receiving end one day. Maybe you could have the preschool staff on the lookout, and take advantage of the situation to try to get him to understand why it is not acceptable. At least then you won't have to bite him yourself!

[Bluenomi]

Lack of language skils is a common reason but when they do learn to talk it doesn't always fix the problem as the massive bite mark on my DD's arm will prove

Whatever you do keep working on it. We have a serial biter at daycare and it's gotton to the stage none of the parents like our kids playing with him and tell them to avoid him. It's not nice for him but safer for our children that way.

[beansidhe]

Whatever you do keep working on it. We have a serial biter at daycare and it's gotton to the stage none of the parents like our kids playing with him and tell them to avoid him. It's not nice for him but safer for our children that way.

That's terrible. Imagine how you would feel if that was your child everyone was talking about and telling their children not to play with.

There is always a reason for biting and its up to the adults to figure out that reason and help teach the child different strategies.
Sometimes biting has absolutely nothing to do with frustration or anger, some children bite as a way to interact and show their willingness and desire to play with another child. They call this the "social biter".

At 21 months a child does not have the capacity to understand that biting hurts. They have not developed the understanding of empathy or compassion and are incapable of linking the act of biting to the crying child infront of them who they just bit. Have you ever seen a child who has bitten and the quizzical look on their face as they try to understand why the other child is crying?
Then they figure out (depending on the reason why they are biting), but say for example they are biting becuase someone keeps taking things off them, that when they bit the other child dropped the toy. Still no understanding that they are actually hurting someone or that is not socially acceptable, but they have certainly figured out how to get someone to stop doing something.

Children are not born with social understanding, they need to learn it and that takes YEARS, sometimes adults still havent learned how to act in society.
A child who bites is not mean, nasty, horrible, a bully, and certainly does not need to be ostracised or punished. How are they ever going to learn to socialise if no one is teaching them or if they are being removed from other children.

OP, dont be embarassed your child is biting. Talk to the educators and ask them the scenarios. Maybe they need to look at the set up of the room..is it too crowded with toys? children? maybe the group can be split to be smaller. Can they focus more on small group interactions led and encouraged by an educator (this works wonders for biting and we use this where I work as our most valuable tool for teaching a child how to socialise), maybe they can play turn taking games in these groups and model acceptable responses and behaviour.
Its not your fault your child is biting...he is just trying to find his place in a situation he probably has very little control over.

This post has been edited by beansidhe: 12/12/2012, 11:08 PM

[beansidhe]

Oh, and please dont bite him back! thats the worst thing you can do. You are only reinforcing to him that its ok to bite and he would have no idea why you bit him and still would not be able to link you biting him to the fact that he bit you. (He wont develop that understanding until he is about 3, sometimes older)