[tr2]

My daughter is 13 and I am really trying to give her more freedom but don't feel she is really appreciating it or making it easy for me. I do put restrictions on things - for example, she wanted to do 2 nights at a friend's place. I said it was o.k but please take her phone and have it charged. She didn't. I called her friends mother's phone and eventually my daughter called me back and got the sh*ts when I asked why her phone wasn't charged. I let her go to a disco and instead of staying inside she hung around outside. Just waiting for friends but my instructions were very clear - be inside!! I said she could go to the pool with her friends but no rough housing out of the water as she has an injury that could be worsened - fine to wrestle in the water but not on dry land where the impact is greater. She ignored that too, and got the sh*ts when I called her over to remind her before I left. All small things, but if she can't do the right thing with small things, how can we build up to bigger things IYKWIM?? And how can I get her to realise that I am not castigating her when I remind her but giving her the opportunity to rectify her behaviour?


Any reminder of the rules has her immediatly yelling in a sulky, defensive way, and not only is it completely unproductive but it's bloody embarrassing! Her friends and their parents must think I'm having a real go at her the way she carries on after I have a quiet word to her or speak to her on the phone. And then I do get angry at her for reacting that way.

I really want her to be able to enjoy her teen years, to have freedoms, and she is usually pretty responsible although some of her decisions recently have been pretty questionable :-/ . I'm thinking of giving her this letter. Is it too long winded, lecturish, annoying, accusing, judging?? Help me make it better if you can please, and any other advice would be great too. I want to be able to communicate with her much more effectively. I want her to count her blessings when she gains permission to do something rather than concentrate on how unfair it is I have placed conditions on it.


Dear Daughter,

You have been growing up very fast and needing more independence and time with your friends. I know you are generally a responsible girl so I am trying my best to let you develop independence and do your own thing. Independence, responsibility and good judgement are not something you can develop over night. It is a process with lots of small steps along the way.

Each time I say ‘Yes’ to an activity or outing it is a small step to further freedom for you. Each time you go out and show me you are responsible and well behaved and making good judgements it is easier for me to say yes the next time and know you will be o.k. Sometimes (actually, most times) I will place some conditions on an activity that I feel keep you safe and let me feel less anxious about you being out in the big wide world without me. Each time you happily accept the limits and responsibilities that come with the freedom you gain more and more of my trust,I feel more and more confidant that you are developing good judgement and can make sensible decisions and as a result, over time, I will feel o.k. to give you more freedoms with less limitations.

On the other hand, when the conditions are ignored or forgotten about I worry I have misjudged the level of responsibility and independence you are really ready for and want to take a step back to a lower level of freedom and responsibility.

Some examples of the conditions I place on you are asking for you to have your phone charged, to stay where you are supposed to be, and be gentle with your injured knee. When I ask you why you have not done one of these things, or remind you to do them, itis an opportunity for you to stop, think, and rectify the problem. I am not asking because I am mad at you. I am not reminding you because you are not allowed to make mistakes. I am asking and reminding you because I want to help you succeed in gaining as much freedom and responsibility as you desire. I am trying to help you develop good habits now that will mean more freedom for you throughout your teenage years.

Please, next time you are off to do something or go somewhere, when I ask you to have a phone, remind you to stay with the group, or ask you to give me a quick call when your day is done and you are safely in bed, or any other little things that make me feel you are safe, don’t react with anger and frustration. They are small things to do that mean the difference between lots of fun times or being stuck at home because I’m too worried about you to let you go out.

I love you lots Daughter and I hope we can be friendlier to each other in the future when discussing these types of things.

Love Mum

This post has been edited by tr2: 09/12/2012, 08:25 PM

[belindarama]

I think the first 3 paras are really good. Then you get to the examples and the message got a bit lost in the 'telling off' part.

I would leave the first three paragraphs only and then let her read it, absorb what you are trying to tell her and discuss it later.

That way she gets the main message and has time to think about that without getting defensive. She can consider what you have said and will probably get there on her own. she will probably think back on those things without you reminding her. Once she has had some time to think about it I would then talk to her and use one or two of those examples to illustrate your point, eg, I wanted you to do X but you did Y which made me question your ability to be responsible with the freedom I was giving you. The more I can trust you the more freedom you will get. If you disappoint me by abusing that freedom I will have to pull it back until I know you are ready for it etc.

[JAPN2]

Personally I would ditch the letter and instead be really clear and if she doesn't do it, she just doesn't get to go next time.

My mother used to send me these kinds of letters but there was a gap between the words and actions.

Let your actions speak loud and forget the verbage.

[Bek&H]

I think its perfect the way it is

[kriattica]

I would ditch the examples paragraph because I think she will possibly take the rest in but that may get her back up and then the letter will be ignored.

I would also include that you will both be starting fresh from after this letter with the understanding that you will listen to her issues with the rules but at then end of the day you will decide what is best.

Good luck. Your DD sounds just like I was as a teenager and I ended up doing all kinds of things I now know were dumb but at the time it was great.

[blithely2]

I agree with PP who also experienced the gaping chasm between written word and actions. Writing letters is not a good idea IMO. If you can't say it, then does it need to be said? And if your spoken words are all castigating and controlling then you probably need to learn a new way to communicate with her. Time for you to loosen the reigns from the sounds of it as the things you're complaining about all seem way OTT.

[SarahM72]

Honestly, going by the young teens I know (my kids and their friends) I think a 13 yo is just going to laugh at a letter like this. There would also be lots of eye rolling.

[annie13]

If you go with a letter be short and sharp, to the point. Also let her start experiencing the natural consequences of her actions. As a mother of a 14 yo I'm just starting to realise the importance of this.

This post has been edited by annie13: 09/12/2012, 09:32 PM

[MrsShine]

The letter is good - for an adult. I do not think a teen would comprehend it well even if she understands te general gist. Try relating to her more on her level.

[AvadaKedavra]

I know you've put your heart into that letter, but it will be meaningless to her. She 13. She is testing the boundaries of her independence.

Besides, I think your gripes/rules are silly. Adults forget to charge their phone, if her friends were outside at the disco was she meant to sit inside because her mum told her to, and the line in the sand between mucking around in the pool and on the land is hard to comprehend even for me.

If you send her to her friends, call the other parent to check up on her. If you are worried about her knee, tell her she can't muck around at all. And at her age, eye rolling when told off is par for the course, take it in your stride.

Don't give her the letter. Give her better rules.