[indigogirl]

Ive had ths issue come up a few times lately and am interested in peoples thoughts.

So child A is regularly aggressive towards other children, so much so that other children are scared of Child A. Child A hits out at Child B. Parent of Child A then says "go and give Child B a hug to say sorry". Child B then stands there rigid and looking scared while forced to endure a hug that she doesnt want or appreciate.

I'm all for encouraging children to acknowledge that they have hurt another child. But I really hate this approach!

I am a strong believer in never forcing children to be affectionate towards anyone and that children have the right to decide how, when and who they want physical contact with. I consider it an important message in keeping kids safe and learning protective behaviours. I feel really passionate about it but also know that I can get worked up about an issue that noone else worries about!

So just interested - is this important to you too or just a "meh whatever" issue.

And if it is important to you how would you address it with other parents or would you just let it slide? In this instance Child B was not my child but could just have easily been. It will definitely keep happening and I'll have to keep seeing it every week! Dont know if I can keep sucking it up!

[katrina24]

Hi, I think that if you feel this way:

a. don't ask your child to hug another child if they hurt them.
b. if Child A hurts your child and his/her parent tells them to hug your child, politely decline
c. if neither child involved is your child, look away.

I agree that it's not the best approach but if your child is not directly involved then I don't think it's a big enough deal to say something about.

[lilybet]

I think it's just setting child A up to believe it's okay to hit out at people as long as you follow up with a bit of affection.

Child B is also being set up to believe it's okay to be hurt as long as the abuser hugs you afterwards.

Doesn't bode well for the long term I'm afraid.

[haras1972]

I don't like that approach at all... My SIL does that when her son does something and it grates as I can see dd doesn't like being hugged by by most people - only nana, dh and I seem to be allowed to cuddle her.

I also don't like it because some people just do not like a lot of physical affection - like me! My circle of friends are always kissing and hugging hello/goodbye and I endured it for years until I finally said something.... The relief of just saying bye and hello! I'm sure it looks weird when I'm the only one being excluded in a sea of kisses and hugs, but it really bothered me.

And I see dd has inherited a little of that trait from me, so hence my dislike of the forced hug, as well as the reasons the OP listed above.

[~~HappyMummy~~]

I think it's just setting child A up to believe it's okay to hit out at people as long as you follow up with a bit of affection.

Child B is also being set up to believe it's okay to be hurt as long as the abuser hugs you afterwards.

Doesn't bode well for the long term I'm afraid.

I agree with this. Well said.

[meggs1]

I haven't thought about it before but I think I agree with you.

I guess you can say "B is still a bit upset and isn't ready for a hug right now but he/she knows you are sorry" Would it be too old fashioned to shake hands to show the apology is accepted?

[lozoodle]

Yeah I'm not a real fan of that. I have a friend who gets her 4.5 year old to do that. He is super rough all the time and always hurts other kids (whether it be intentional or not) and this is her reaction to everything. It drives me crazy as the kid he has hurt is usually upset and a bit scared at the time, and its so forced as well. I'd rather she spend time diciplining her child and following through on consequences than forcing hugs.

[archy's mehi...]

I think it's just setting child A up to believe it's okay to hit out at people as long as you follow up with a bit of affection.

Child B is also being set up to believe it's okay to be hurt as long as the abuser hugs you afterwards.

Doesn't bode well for the long term I'm afraid.

Agree. Child B is also being taught that they have to put up with physical contact they don't want for fear of rocking the boat.

[MakeLoveNotBacon]

I don't like it either. I also don't like the forced apology. Encouraged and modelled yes, but not forced.

If it happened regularly, I would probably just pick my child up so Child A couldn't hug him. A once off, I'd just ignore unless my child was particularly stressed by it.

[toosenuf]

Op: in the instance that you gave IMO it just show Child A that they still have power over Child B, as Child A will feel/see that Child B is uneasy.