[75etd]

Hi

I personally don't belong in here, but a dear friend has recently told me she and her husband had been trying to conceive for about a year and have just made the decision to no longer continue on this journey.

They have their reasons for this and are comfortable with their decision, however my dear friend is clearly upset, and I guess she is grieving.

I am just after some ideas about if there is anything I could do for her, except being there to support her and to talk to.

I didn't really know the right place to post this, so please move it if there is a more relevant place.

Thanks

[Dylan's Mummy]

Just let her know you are there if she needs you. Ask her if she is ok. NEVER tell her to "just relax" and she may get pregnant.

Remember that for people who are having trouble getting pregnant, have recently lost a baby or, like your friend, have made a difficult decision to no longer try, pregnant women will be everywhere for them. It's like they have big flashing neon signs on their happy bellies. This can be really difficult so perhaps give her something to do that doesn't involve going to busy places like shopping centers.

[HappyLife]

Sorry to hear they've decided to give up, however I hear sometimes the stress of it all can be too much. Maybe they'll be successful now they've stopped stressing? (But not having been in that situation, probably don't mention that, as Dylan's mummy has advised)

A friend of mine was trying for three years, and was about to give up (IVF wasn't an option for financial reasons) and she is now at 25 weeks!

If your friend is under 35, it is not until after 12 months of trying that they will be referred to a fertility specialist, so taking 12 months sounds fairly normal. Over 35 is 6 months of trying. Don't know what they've tried, but hopefully a fs could help?

There is also a forum thread here for people trying for 12+ months, where she may find some supportive ladies in the same situation?

[Mo2k]

Just let her know you are there if she needs you. Ask her if she is ok. NEVER tell her to "just relax" and she may get pregnant.

Remember that for people who are having trouble getting pregnant, have recently lost a baby or, like your friend, have made a difficult decision to no longer try, pregnant women will be everywhere for them. It's like they have big flashing neon signs on their happy bellies. This can be really difficult so perhaps give her something to do that doesn't involve going to busy places like shopping centers.

I agree, if one more person made the 'sponteneous pregnancy' comment to to me they were going to be picking up their teeth with broken fingers, irrespective of how well meaning they were.

If it was me (and I am thankful everyday that it is not) just to know that you were there would be a help. She may want to talk about it, she may not. As long as she knows that you are receptive and she can talk about it even if it is months/ years later as it is amazing how many family and friends think that it is something to 'get over'. Also showing her what life has to offer to those who don't have kids? All the best for your friend. My heart goes out to her

[amabanana]

I haven't been in that boat but we were trying properly for DD2 for 20+ cycles and it was awful. I had decided to give up when I got my BFP (not that I would mention that kind of story to your friend!) As a PP said it's really hard. I didn't realise how many ads there were on TV for baby things, how every shopping centre is filled with pregnant women and how you just can't seem to see everywhere reminders of what you so desperately want.
I would just be there for your friend. Tell her that you're sorry and that it sucks. Don't try to make her feel better with stories about people who got pregnant after they went on a holiday or after failing at IVF. One of my friends turned up one day with coffees, flowers and nice cakes. That kind of thing would be nice. Or bring over a lovely lunch to share.
You sound like a good friend.

[Mo2k]

I hadn't noticed that they hadn't tried IVF. Bit difficult to know whether to bring that up though..... In this day and age IVF is so well known they may not be pursuing it due to monetary factors or, he may not want this option?..... I love my DH to bits however when I think back to him moaning about having to do his business in a cup and how demeaning it was for him....... Breathe girl.......breathe....

[Bwok~Bwok]

What ever you do - don't give her the 'a friend of a friend fell pg when they gave up' stories or 'give IVF a go'. It is her decision - whether you understand it or not - it would have been (and would still be) the most heartbreaking decision she would have ever made.

She will be grieving - so all you can do is be there for her.

[75etd]

Thanks ladies. I do certainly now know what not to say.

I must say I wasn't even tempted to try the "if you stop trying it might happen" line. It didn't make me feel any better when things weren't working for DH and I. I will just continue to be there for her, and ready to chat should she want to.

My friend and her husband do have a DS who's 4, but it doesn't change the difficulties they have and are continuing to face, nor lessen the huge decision they have made and their feelings associated with it.

Once we get through the craziness of Christmas, I think I will take her some yummy cakes, coffee and flowers as someone has suggested.

Thanks again