[namesnamesnames]

We had been TTC #3 for over two years, with 3 miscarriages in that time (four in total) as well as the death of my best friend to cancer. She was my biggest support and an amazing Mum, and I miss her very much. The last miscarriage without her was the hardest.

I truly felt that my 2nd child was not my last. It's taken me months to feel comfortable with not trying again - I don't think I could take another loss, especially without her. My two are 3 and 5, and are at a stage of real independence - no more dressing, no more nappies and just lovely to be around (most of the time!).

In the last two weeks I feel okay about no more kids. I'm okay with not wearing the maternity clothes I bought before the miscarriages. I'm okay with giving away the baby clothes (some of which are new). I'm okay with just two. I'm okay with moving on.

But yesterday I got a BFP. I can't feel happy about it. It's the first time in seven pregnancies that I don't know my dates. I'm not holding out any hope that this one will continue, and part of me can't wait for the 8-10 wk mark when all the other M/C have happened. And today, I just want to cry.

I'm not sure why I'm posting this. Maybe someone feeling the same way will read it, and know they aren't alone...

This post has been edited by namesnamesnames: 08/01/2013, 09:18 AM

[TillyTake2]

I'm so sorry Big hugs xx Maybe this one will be a fresh start, is it possible you are past the 8-10 week stage?

[namesnamesnames]

Thanks. No chance to be that far along - more like 5ish+ weeks. This year has been such a blur that I really don't know...

[namesnamesnames]

We had a scan today and heard a heartbeat, which just made me cry (and not in a good way). The sonographer was really nice and jovial, and jokingly said 'so, is this number 7 or 8?'. I wanted to reply with 'well actually, it is 7, but I only have 2 kids', but couldn't get the words out so DH had to answer for me. The sonographer really was sweet about it though...

Tonight, I'm just sad. I've been waiting for this year to be over for a long time. Now it's over, I don't feel any better. I keep reading all this 'what was the best thing in 2012' and I can't think of one single thing. I have noone to share this secret or my feelings with, so anonymously over the internet seems to be my only option...

[jobo77]

I am sorry I have no wise words or advice from you but I hope that 2013 brings you some much deserved happiness and peace. A new year and hopefully a new beginning for your family xx

[rubylilysmum]

I was in your position nearly 4 years ago.
After DS2 in 2004 I always wanted a fourth child, it took me just over 4 years to be happy and content with my 3 children and within 2 months I was pregnant. It took a bit of adjusting but we were excitingly awaiting the arrival of our little girl. Unfortunatley she was stillborn at 28 weeks. With another 2 losses after her I know my family is now complete.
How are you now feeling about your pregnancy after seeing your baby

[namesnamesnames]

I figured I might as well update this so it doesn't become one of those 'I wonder what happened' threads.

Yesterday was the start of my 5th M/C. I'm just over this. I didn't even bother pulling out the pregnancy guide books this time. I knew there was no reason to get excited and hope this one would stick, but we had started to talk about mat leave, and where the baby would sleep etc because you just can't help thinking about these things.

Thanks for your support rubylilysmum, jobo77 and tillytake2 and anyone else reading along with this train-wreck of a thread.

[little lion]

I'm very sorry to hear your update. One mc is awful, that I know. I cannot imagine five. I understand you start to plan and dream and it is so hard when that's taken away.

[jobo77]

I am so sorry to read your update and wish it could have been a better start to the year for you

[Sinister Bonnet]

I'm so sorry to read this. It can be so bloody unfair