[anonymous888]

I was very hesitant to post this giving a trolling situation yesterday, but this is a very different situation to the one posted recently, so hopefully the mods will be understanding.

This morning after dance, DD14 came to me upset because a friend texted her saying there are two online 'burn books' for girls at her school on the internet & everyone was talking about them & one of the pages had written mean things about her older sister DD18. I went and had a look at it and the comments about DD18 were disgusting & I went to ask DD18 if she knew anything about online 'burn books' at school. She said no, but made that face I know she makes when she's lying about something. I let it go, thinking maybe she'd seen the comment & was embarassed about it and said she could come talk to me later if she wanted.

A couple of hours later, I got a phone call from the mother of a girl DD18 used to be friends with in primary school but 'grew apart' from when the other girl became friends with the 'popular' crowd when they moved to high school (I've stayed friends with the mother, much to DD18's eyerolling when she has to see her former friend around because DD18 is still very resentful her former best friend decided she was too good for her) saying that her daughter overheard a conversation between DD18 and one of her friends talking about the burn book they'd made and bragging about the nasty things they'd written about this girl and her friends & then in retaliation, my friend's group made a website too and now it was spiralling out of control with the comments and submissions to the page and she didn't know what to do, but she thinks they are going to go to the police or the school and confess.

I went and spoke to DD18 and eventually she confessed that her and 3 of her friends made the initial burn book. I asked if she was sorry and she said no because 'nearly everyone at school makes me feel like s**t, it was fun to make them feel like s**t for a change'. They are not part of the popular group at school and have been picked on a bit. I said it has to be deleted, DD18 said she is not the one who can delete it anyway because her friend did the actual creation of the page & it's connected to one of her email addresses. She said she is a bit upset about the comment on the one made in retaliation, but it serves her right anyway.

I want to go to the police about the whole thing. DD18 is worried that she will be in a lot of trouble because she is already 18 as a result of repeating a grade in early primary school and since she is legally an adult, the police will be able to do anything they want to her and she'd rather just let the horrible comment about her stay up there than admit that she was bullying too and get into trouble for her comments. Looking up the laws, they could probably make a case for harassment and get her into trouble.

WWYD? I'm at such a loss here.

(Semi-Regular poster gone anon for privacy reasons, not trolling reasons.)

This post has been edited by anonymous888: 02/12/2012, 01:25 PM

[howdo]

I would hand it over to the school. They will know what step needs to be taken next. It's bigger than your DD and all the children involved need to be protected and counselled.

It's not unusual for the bullied to become the bully and all need help and assistance.

This post has been edited by howdo: 02/12/2012, 01:33 PM

[trebambinibelli]

There have to be some sort of consequences for that behaviour, bullying is not acceptable, regardless of who did it first. You sound worried that she will get legal consequences for her actions, why not? Bullying is VERY serious, she is an adult, she knows better and therefore if she chooses to act this way, then as an adult she needs to accept the ramifications of it.

In the meantime, if it was related to fellow school kids, can you go to the head of school/principal and ask their opinion? I don't have children old enough to know what happens at this age. If the other party goes to the police it may be out of your hands anyway.

[anonymous888]

There have to be some sort of consequences for that behaviour, bullying is not acceptable, regardless of who did it first. You sound worried that she will get legal consequences for her actions, why not? Bullying is VERY serious, she is an adult, she knows better and therefore if she chooses to act this way, then as an adult she needs to accept the ramifications of it.

My daughter has felt ostracised right throughout her schooling and has only a few friends. Because they more 'look down' on her and 'not include' her and treat her like an outcast, there is not much the school can do because it is not really bullying in that they are not doing something obvious to her they can punish her for. They just say 'not everyone will be friends'.

I am worried she will get legal consqeuences for her actions and I don't know if it is a fair solution. She's hurting. She's unhappy. School makes her depressed because she doesn't fit in.

She's definetely taken her 'revenge' too far, but to me, it feels more like a case of 'the bullied became the bully because she was in a lot of pain' rather than 'my daughter is a horrible person'.

I do know there need to be consqeuences, but I also don't think a criminal record is the answer here.

This post has been edited by anonymous888: 02/12/2012, 01:43 PM

[hawkara]

Bullying is a vicious cycle. The bullied find their self esteem destroyed and themselves in a lot of emotional pain and often the easiest way to try and rebuild that self esteem and take out that pain is to turn to becoming bullies themselves.

It's what happened to me. I was bullied through school, then when I moved school, I became the bully to try and 'protect' myself from being bullied and to build myself back up.

It's sadly so incredibly common and why bullying is such a terrible, terrible problem.

I don't know how the law works, but I highly doubt an 18 year old girl is going to get thrown in prison or given an harassment charge over some internet remarks. I'd think the police are more likely to heavily warn everyone involved, give a talk on cyber-bullying & refer those who need it to counselling.

[ZombieMum]

Definitely contact the school as it involves their students and they'd want to help with the situation. It's the right thing to do, because there could be more serious consequences, and it would be awful for you to have known about the issue and not speak up about it.

Your posts sound like you are making up excuses for your DD's actions, and you don't want her to face the consequences of her actions - how is she going to learn from this she can't accept responsibility?


Although I'm very surprised that given her age, she wasn't aware of the possible repercussions of her actions on the internet - has she been living under a rock? Because schools tend to do a lot of education about the proper use of computers and the internet - and I know with the 2 schools my kids go to, both schools run classes for the kids on appropriate behaviours, and they also have to sign a form at the start of the year about agreeing to a code of conduct in regards to this technology.

[bonnybabe]

well why don't you call the mother of the girl who created the page and at least have it taken down as a start? You can't leave it there.

And yes your daughter may have been left out, but she's now making someone feel even worse. She is 18, and I'm assuming in year 12? she can't have long to go. Tell her it gets better.

[anonymous888]

She is Year 12 next year.

[anonymous888]

Your posts sound like you are making up excuses for your DD's actions, and you don't want her to face the consequences of her actions - how is she going to learn from this she can't accept responsibility?

Because I've watched her come home crying at least twice a week because of how her and her friends get treated by her classmates and the horrible things they do to them like making them sit at the very back of class 'away' from the normal people and giving them horrible looks every time they walk past of them. My daughter went from happy and confident to being miserable during her schooling.

And yes your daughter may have been left out, but she's now making someone feel even worse. She is 18, and I'm assuming in year 12? she can't have long to go. Tell her it gets better.

I said this to her and she said 'after 5 years of making me feel like crap, I hope they feel like s**t. They deserve to be miserable too. Why should only I be miserable?'.

She's hurt and bitter. I don't want her to be legally punished for lashing out at the mean girls when they made her feel worthless for years.

[Dionysus]

You should do the following:

1. take screen shots of the worst comments said about your DD

2. insist your DD first apologises on the other girl's site, requesting they take the site down and that she will make her other friend take theirs down

3. make your DD also post an apology on her own friend's site

3. take a screen shot of both apologies

4. get your DD's friend to take their site down - perhaps ring parents and get them involved

5. hope it all calms down

6. phone the school at let them know where it is all up to

7. If these other girls continue with their site, keep an eye on it and take screenshots of the worst comments

8. Head to the police, with the whole story, if it all continues

As a Head of Senior School myself, it all depends exactly what is being said as to how much I would intervene. Of course, if I could ascertain that some of the bullying was done in school time, I would possibly look to suspend anyone I could identify. If it is vague 'such and such is a b**ch' kind of stuff happening out of hours, I would caution anyone involved and suggest to parents they take steps to limit internet usage at home.
If it was very severe bullying, I would encourage taking print-outs to the police. Keep in mind, though, they are really only interested in dealing with threatening behaviour - 'I am going to bash you tomorrow behind the shed' is a little more clear cut than 'You are b**ch'