[Velvetta]

It's mainly about money, what isn't? DS18 has finished year 12 and is now trying to find a job, which he'll need to as family assistance has stopped and child support from my ex.I broached the subject of him contributing to his expenses once he's working and he said that if he were earning enough to pay board, he may as well move out - but I'm sure that's optimistic, he'd need to earn a full time wage at least for that.

I don't want to be mean, but he can't lean on us for cash for transport or a social life or his phone anymore. It's been a week since he graduated and he hasn't made any effort to look for a job at all.

What have you done once they've finished school? Have you cut their allowance if there was one? What do you still pay for? How long is too long?
He claims that his friends get their petrol or phone or even rent paid for by their parents still. They must be richer or have fewer children then is all I can think.

Not sure what to do... We earn just over the limit that he can get any centrelink help.

Apart from money, what do you expect in terms of the household? he does his own washing but that's a bout it. He is supposed to vacuum once a week but doesn't. He's too old to "punish".

Just not sure how to handle my child as an adult all of a sudden, or am I rushing things?

ETA I don't expect things to happen too fast, I imagine it's quite hard to find a job at this time of year and esp where we live, but how long is too long?

This post has been edited by Velvetta: 27/11/2012, 01:24 PM

[yabbadabbadoo]

Give him a break. I get that he should contribute in some way but if he literally just finished 13 years of schooling last week, is he not entitled to a bit of a rest? I am not saying he shouldn't look for work or contribute once he has a steady income, but I think you are rushing him. You are still his parents/mum and I think you should cut him some slack. It sounds like you have been counting down the days until you can stop supporting him. You may just have to keep counting for a little bit longer.

If he expects you to pay for things still, then maybe it needs to contribute a bit more at home. Like - sure I will give you petrol money but can you please vacuum the floor etc.

This post has been edited by yabbadabbadoo: 27/11/2012, 01:25 PM

[hellsmail]

I have a boy in the same situation At the moment he is having a holiday as almost all of his mates are up the gold coast for schoolies, Lucky my boy wants to go to confest then the rainbow music festivlal where we all go any way. I still give him money and next week I am transfering his youth allowance to him He is going to do a barista course and have next year off as a gap year. He knows that I can't support him but I still will as he is not yet 18 will be so in feb. Let him have a break don't rush him remeber back to when you were his age and let him have fun cos its no fun when you work full time.

[Sinister Bonnet]

I'd sit him down and tell him that things are changing, he is now an adult member of the household and that the expectations are ::what seems reasonable to you::.

I would probably continue support while he is actively looking for work although given where you live it should not be hard to pick up shifts here and there. There would be a timelimit to this and it would only be enough money to cover transport and essentials.

It's not fair or kind to cut off all support as all this could have been known in advance so that he too had time to plan.

[bakesgirls]

I don't have a child that age yet (though I'm not too far off), but I can tell you what my parents did when I turned 18 and had finished school.

TBH, his saying that if he has to pay board, he may as well move out, sounds like he's trying to use emotional blackmail on you. Almost like "if you don't support me, you will lose me".

I personally would reduce his allowance, perhaps then he may get the motivation to find work. After all, who wants to be the only one of their friends to have no money to go out with. The only time I would give extra money is for things that he really needs, and money to get to job interviews. I'd also buy some clothes that are appropriate for interviews if he didn't already have some. My mother cut my allowance, I found a job pretty quickly after that, but if I was short some weeks, she would 'employ' me to do stuff and pay me for that. Money was never just handed over to me for nothing once I had finished school. The job had to be up to her standard. If it wasn't she didn't pay me and I had to do it until it was right. In saying that though, perhaps a compromise could be that you will continue to support him, as long as he is actively looking for work.

He needs to make an effort. If he expects to be treated like an adult, then he needs to act like one. That means finding work if he is not studying.

If his friends claim their parents still pay for stuff, then my response would most likely be, 'that's fine, but I'm not those parents, and I won't be. We don't have the finances to be able to do that'.

In terms of the household, I was always expected to keep my room clean, do my own washing, cook a meal for the family at least once a week, do any other chores I could see needed to be done instead of ignoring them. If I didn't do them, then my mother made it very clear where the front door was and I could leave at any time. She made it clear that although it was my home, I had responsibilities.

I don't think you are rushing things. He has known all year that this was his last year of school, and so should have started making plans for himself. He doesn't have the luxury of doing nothing. He needs to study further or work. The longer he is unemployed, the harder it will be to gain employment.

I truly hope OP that things work out for you and your son soon.

I really don't know what you can do though if he refused or can't be bothered with the household. I always just did as I was told by my mum, it just wasn't worth the trouble if I didn't do it.

This post has been edited by bakesgirls: 27/11/2012, 01:46 PM

[CountryBumpkin]

Definitely cut back his allowance, maybe pay him while he is loing for work, as an incentive? He may have just finished 13 years of schooling, but it will do him no harm to go straight into work.

[Saecularis Angel...]

My DD isn't that age, but I can tell you what I did.

I went straight from school to uni (no gap year), and I worked a casual job the whole way through. I think he should scrap the gap year, go straight to uni instead of bumming around, and get himself more work (I think you said he worked as a waiter?) I'd be making it very clear to him that you expected him to be applying for a minimum of a job per day.

I contributed significant board (forget how much exactly now), but he's right in a way; when I moved out of home and shared a crappy student rental with other students it didn't cost me much more than my board. I could do that on my casual job around uni classes. I certainly wasn't getting an allowance or my phone bill/public transport costs/petrol paid for me while I was still at home!

Housework...I didn't do that much...I think that's the least of your issues, though.

[Sassy Girl]

We have two adult sons. One is 20 next month, the other is 18.

They have both been told since they were in about year 6 if they went to Uni/Tafe we would pay all their expenses while they continued getting an education. If they get a full time job or applied for benefits from Centrelink they'd have to pay board.

Our eldest is now in his second year of Uni and our youngest should get into the course that he wants (fingers crossed ).

If I were you I'd sit your son down with a list of all the household bills and expenses. Explain to him that the money to pay for them has to come from somewhere, either he gets a job or at least starts looking for one.

They do help out around the house by cooking, cleaning, mowing the lawn, washing etc when we ask them to.

This post has been edited by Sassy Girl: 27/11/2012, 03:08 PM

[SeaPrincess]

While we were still studying, my parents provided a roof over our heads and our meals, but when we were working (including while we were studying), anything else was our own responsibility - car and running costs or public transport, hobbies, social life, etc. We were still expected to also contribute to the running of the household, so I would make dinner on the nights that I finished uni early, get washing in and fold it, those sorts of things. Mum paid me to clean once a week as well (and she was fussy!) If we weren't at school or uni, we were expected to contribute financially as well. They certainly wouldn't have paid rent for us!

Your DS needs to learn that not all families have the same rules or financial situation. I would probably let it go until the new year - I agree with PP, he does need a break - but make it clear to him now, decide on a weekly sum that you can afford to give him until then, and after that, he's got to get himself moving.

[boatiebabe]

You seem very business like with your child.

Now the money from the Government and your ex has finished the pressure is really on him isn't it! I wonder how that makes him feel?

I think you should be encouraging him to look for work, and helping to facilitiate that.

I don't think you should be badgering him incessantly for money though. I'm surprised that you guys haven't had a plan already in place - you know some expectations at the end of the year etc.

It has only been a week. I don't think I'd be giving him too hard a time until the New Year hit.

Let him know what your expectations are and perhaps give him some space to figure it out.