[Bami]

My third DS is 4.5 years old and really is 'the girl (or in this case, boy) with the curl' personified. When he is good, he is beautiful to be around, when he is bad - he is HORRID. And barely tolerable - even to me, his mum.


My DH and I are firm but fun parents (I hope!) and have clear boundaries in place regarding what behaviour is expected. We spend a lot of family time together and family is our #1 priority.

Since the birth of DS3 things have been difficult. I have always put it down to 'he's just a baby, it will pass', 'he's just a toddler, it will pass', 'it's the terrible twos.. threes... fours... it will pass'. But this behaviour is constant. It is no phase.

He makes things difficult for my DS1 & 2 as they miss out on a lot because of DS3's behaviour. I try my best to deal with the behaviour in a calm but firm manner. Thank goodness for day care, which he goes to 2 days a week, and preschool (which is now also to 2 days a week) or I just would not have been able to be a good mother to this child.

My husband is now at the end of his patience with DS3 and a few times has confided in me that he just doesn't want to deal with him anymore. I am faced with the possibility of having to separate from my husband (of 12+years) and take DS3 with me if this behaviour continues.

Can someone please tell me where I can start in getting some help - do I just go to a gp and get a referral? I am in a rural location with limited services although I think there is one peadiatrician in town I could go to. Not sure if this is the right course for getting to the bottom of behavioural issues?

It is hard to explain the behaviour to those who don't know DS3, but everyone who knows him understands the extreme difficulty in dealing with behaviour when he is being 'difficult'. One friend of mine has told me that he is the most difficult child she has met (when I was seeking assurance in my parenting ability). He will stubbornly hold onto issues (which to anyone else would not be issues) and there is no distracting or explaining that will resolve an issue. He is incredibly intelligent and has an extensive vocabulary, good sense of humour (when not in his difficult phases) and is very social, particularly with adults.

[LovenFire]

What a tough situation OP.
Perhaps a child psychologist? That may help your DH and yourself too.
I once heard that, if you no longer enjoy your child - it's time to seek professional counseling / guidance.
All the best OP.

[baddmammajamma]

Hi Bami:

I'm so sorry to hear that things have gotten so bad -- I can just feel the stress in your post.

I don't have enough time right now to type out as thoughtful of a reply as I would like to write, but please see my response to Anni's thread below ("Getting 4.5 DD Assessed"), as the advice is very similar.

What is your closest city of decent size? Are you anywhere near Lismore? If feasible, you might really want to think about seeing a professional in a larger metro area -- as opposed to just going locally, unless, of course, your local paed has experience with developmental paediatrics.

I wonder if you might be able to find a psychologist who, after the initial meeting, would be wiling to do consults with you/your husband via skype or some other form of remote connection. I think that it's very important that both you & your husband get some guidance in how to best mitigate your son's challenging behaviors.

Hang in there & start making some calls as soon as possible to see what type of professional guidance you can line up. Per my other post, your GP is a good place to start for referrals, but also check in on both the Disabilities/Special Needs Board and the NSW State board to see if any other parents have recommendations in your area.

[Bomber girl]

He sounds just like my DS who is almost 4. It is only in the last 3 mths that things have started to improve. With my DS I think it is a maturity thing. I don't really have any advice but I can understand completely how you feel

[~Karla~]

He sounds remarkably like my oldest son. DS1 was diagnosed with ASD (now changed to Aspergers) and anxiety when he was 5yo.

Honestly, you need a referral to a GOOD developmental paediatrician for a full assessment. While you're waiting, you may want to explore the FAILSAFE diet - removing all additives and colours and flavour etc from his diet might help (it helps my oldest a lot). It's probably also worth speaking to a local child/family orientated social worker or someone too. They can help you and your husband work on some coping strategies and may be able to offer some insight into your sons behaviour (ie, when my eldest started lying, I found it reassuring when the social worker explained that it was actually age-appropriate for him to start lying at that stage). They will not have enough expertise to deal with your child, but they might be able to help you and your husband cope while you wait to see the paed. It can also be incredibly therapeutic to have a safe place to blurt all those negatives thoughts and feelings out.

Good luck. I know how draining it is and how awful you feel when you realise that despite all the love you have for your child, you just really don't like them sometimes. I find Ds1's horridness even harder to cope with because he is such a delightful, thoughtful, lovely little boy when he is in the mood. Sadly, he's not in that mood often though.

[baddmammajamma]

Awesome response by my friend Karla. I agree with every word.

Bami, depending on where you are located (and what your nearest city is), I'd be happy to pass along some names of good professionals -- or maybe some of the other parents on EB can help out.

[Lalliana]

I agree with Karla, doing the failsafe diet might help until you are able to see a paed. We are doing that with my 8 year old DSD and it is helping. I got a lot of information from http://fedup.com.au/ which includes things such as shopping lists and recipes. Good luck, I know how frustrating this behaviour can be.

[Natttmumm]

What you describe was like our DD. It was such a tough time. She was "difficult/impossible" from birth until around 4 years when it all changed for us. The only main thing that changed was she started to sleep well - not sure why that happened.

She was a baby that screamed and cried all day (noone would look after her), awake all night, as a toddler she threw spectacular tantrums about everything and when not doing that she was whinging - she was hard work with friends around too - my mothers group and family agreed that was was the hardest baby/ child . She never ate well and fussed over every meal and drink...you get the picture. I absolutley drained DH and I and we ended up in many silly arguments just because we were so pushed. We never thought about breaking up but it did damage us which i think is probably still there a bit.

At 3 years old I decided enough was enough and I went to see a child PSYch. I didnt bother getting a referral but just made an appointment and went. After explaining everything to her in depth and an asessment being done it was clear that she was a very intelligent, sensitive etc etc but yes "within the normal range". The main thing that the assessment pointed out was that she was great at daycare - no compliants from there. Her preschool assessment actually said "a delight in the classroom - no issues to report".
How is your son at daycare and preschool. What do they think??

Try to keep the family together as things will settle as he either gets help or gets older. You guys need to stick together if you can even though it is a drain at the moment.

[Mumof1OneontheWa...]

Maybe get checked for a food intolerance. Also we have had some success with monthly chiropractic visits. Another suggestion from the chiro was to remove dairy and wheat from diet. You could also see a naturopath for some natural herbs to help.

[madmother]

But a food intolerance from birth???

Seems strange.

I too am another jumping on the get a referral to a good paed. I know developmental paeds are what is recommended, but that being said ours is just a paed and he was wonderful.

Where are you?