[mantilla]

Just after some ideas from other new parents about how they coped with the change to one income etc. My DS & DIL have a 3 mth baby & have recently moved onto just one income after DIL's parent-leave pay finished (2 weeks ago). I know they are really struggling with debt repayments & despite suggesting going to a budget advice centre, put in a vege garden or a pot of tomatoes on the front deck; selling one of their vehicles - altho not really an option though as DS works away plus they live about 5 km from nearest town, no buses etc - etc, I dont really know what else to do. I have made loads of meals & baking since baby arrived, but we too have a limited income & my DH probably wont appreciate me propping them up so much.
DS does have an expensive hobby & has said "what will he do in the weekends without this " - dont worry, I said quite a bit back to him, that parenting is a compromise for both of them, & sacrifices need to be made until bubs is bigger &/or DIL goes back to work somewhere. I know the solution is to put a halt on that, also they need to find a solution that works for them etc

DIL said that one of their options is to split up (WTH ??) & so I wonder if the stresses of having a little bub plus no $$ is just proving too hard. Many years ago with my eldest, my then DH & I had major money problems so I understand her predicament - but solutions from 28 yrs ago seem a little outdated so your ideas & suggestions are really appreciated. TIA

[Shellby]

The first year of a first child born is the highest odds of breakups, its the stress of becoming 'new' people, your relationship changes in what is expected of each other, and as you have seen most families dropping back for the first time to only 1 income.

Really other than what you have suggested there isn't much more you can do. What saved DH and I was counselling actually, luckily DH was open to it when suggested by my councilor due to my PND. It really opened his eyes to what I was trying to become as a mother, but also opened my eyes in what I should have been expecting.

We had major money issues also, somehow we made it though but did have to give things up - which hopefully your DS will see one day as having to do to save money - being a family as a whole was more important than a hobby every weekend. Now after 10 years we are better off and DH has his hobby back, your son needs to see its not forever even if it looks like it at the time.

I am so glad we didn't take the 'easy' option at the time and split up. I now love my DH more than when we married, have another beautiful son to him, got ahead with our money and improved where we were as well. At the time it seemed so easy, split and try and walk away from the debts and see what centrelink will pay - but the debts are still there and its no easier really.

Your DS and DIL will just have to learn to live within their means, sadly if that means they break up all you can really offer is support and help.

[paod]

I can't believe people would break up instead of drop hobbies, budget planning assistance, go back to work etc

Eta I understand this is just one option but tbh I can't believe they haven't tried all the others first. It seems a bit hasty to be talking about splitting after only 2 weeks off payments

This post has been edited by paod: 23/11/2012, 09:08 PM

[MrsShine]

What may I ask is this expensive hobby?

Maybe he has to give it up for just a short while - 6 months even until things have settled down.

Can they move somewhere less expensive, or is DIL going back to work even part time as PP suggested possible?

I wondered when you say they said splitting up was an option - do they mean so she can claim benefits?

There are lots of ways to save money - sounds like they aren't living in a major town but doing things like buying less expensive brands (Aldi Mamia VS Huggies for nappies ) bulk shopping for things somewhere like Campbell's cash & carry or Costco.

Meal planning, vegetable gardens again as you suggested are all great ideas but it also sounds to me like they don't really want help or to be told how to live their lives??? :/

[mantilla]

Hi - many thanks for your replies, all appreciated. His hobby is racing motorbikes (so lots of maintenance, parts, entry fees, travel costs). Mrs Shine, yes its hard to think that she is considering a split to claim benefits (so wrong in my eyes). I have suggested easier, less expensive meals - but agree with what you each have said re their choices - as in not moaning about no money but buying Subway etc. They use MCN's so luckily no disposables; I've suggested (in a roundabout way ) that DIL look for part time work esp with summer & seasonal work out there but she is fully BF & made a comment along the lines of ... she doesnt want someone else to see baby roll over/walk/ etc for the first time. Please dont flame me here for that ... I can see her point, but sometimes, needs must - & this may be more about them both making changes as I said in my OP.
I read some of the other posts about MIL's & feel very blessed that I have such a good rel/ship with DIL, but feel at the end of my string here. Your point Shelby that they learn to live within their means is so very true - all of us have to, regardless of income streams.

[Dinosaurus]

He needs to put that hobby on hold, not only is is eating up huge amounts of money it's taking away family time from his wife and child.

They need to find their own way, it is hard to make a financial adjustment but shouldn't be impossible. If the baby is still so young it hasn't rolled over or eaten solids I'm afraid I'm with DIL, I would be hesitant to go back to work that soon (especially when I know how expensive motorbike racing is).

[TillyTake2]

I would definately say he needs to quit the hobby for now. I certainly don't think forcing a new mum back to work at 12 weeks against her will to maintain a motorbike hobby for her husband is AT ALL reasonable!!

Re the breaking up, it could be that there are other problems. I can imagine your son spending all weekend on motorbikes rather than helping with his family would put a pretty big strain on relationships. I doubt she's considering splitting "just to claim benefits".

[Macv3]

If their debt repayments are with a bank, the first thing I'd suggest is going in to talk to the bank and changing their repayments to interest only for a while. It will help them in the short term whilst they are finding their feet as a family of 3 and if your DIL does go back to work they can switch back again.

He definately needs to cut back on the hobby; it can wait until the baby is older surely? Does he ride a motorbike to work?

[Julie3Girls]

If her paid leave finished just 2 weeks ago, are they now getting FTB-A/B? I thought I'd heard with paid parental leave, you don't get FTB-B, but if the paid leave has finished, she should now qualify for that.

Your son needs to grow up and put his hobby on hold, or at least cut back majorly. As for what he can do on the weekend without it ... well gee, you can be a parent and spend the time with your wife and child.
To be honest, if your DIL is at home with the baby, watching her husband go and race motorbikes, spending money when they can't make loan repayments, then I'd be pretty peeved and thinking breaking up is a good idea.

While I agree with you that if things are that tight, yes, having the mother go back to work is an obvious solution. But there is no way I would expect a mother with a 12wk old to go back to work if she didn't want to , if there are other options.

- cut out/ cut back on the expensive hobby
- talk to the bank, see about refinancing, or if they can get any sort of break on repayments while your DIL is on maternity leave.
- make sure there are any payments that they should be getting but aren't claiming.

[Unatheowl]

I would definately say he needs to quit the hobby for now. I certainly don't think forcing a new mum back to work at 12 weeks against her will to maintain a motorbike hobby for her husband is AT ALL reasonable!!

Re the breaking up, it could be that there are other problems. I can imagine your son spending all weekend on motorbikes rather than helping with his family would put a pretty big strain on relationships. I doubt she's considering splitting "just to claim benefits".

This. If I was your DIL and my DH even suggested that it would be appropriate to be racing bikes on the weekends I would be pretty danm p*ssed for two reasons 1) complete waste of money especially if they are struggling and 2) taking time away from baby and helping mum get some sleep on weekends.

Are you sure she is not at her wits end with this ...erm...'hobby" and is considering splitting for this reason?