[Mummzy]

So my 10 year old brother is here. Things are going really well with my two children and him.

When I un packed his suitcase. His clothes had holes in them and his shorts are 2 sizes too small!
I knew this was going to happen, knowing our mum. So I was prepared to gift him with clothes for Christmas.

I decided to give them to him this morning instead as I just couldn't stare at those holes any longer. I left them on his bed this morning to find. I told him he had a surprise on his bed. He rushed off to look. I waited for him to say thank you etc... NOTHING! No thank you or I really like them. He did not say anything. This was $300 worth of new clothes!

Two days ago I gave him another early christmas present a $150 scooter. It is now banged and scratched to pieces. Again no thank you or anything.

All I want is a little thank you and for him to look after his things. I want him to appreciate what I am doing for him and not just to expect it.

I really want to teach him how to stop being so rough with toys, he is rough with my 4 year olds toys. My 4 year knows how to play nicely and to pack away as I have taught him straight from the beginning. My 10 year old brother has no idea how to be gentle with toys or anything really. I'm just not sure how to get through to him and teach him.

I don't know if I am asking to much of him. He has been raised so differently to me.

Can anyone give me some advice on how to teach him and direct him.

Ps the school sent homework with him. 5 sheets front and back of math homework. 1 sheet to be handed in each week. He has finished the lot in 4 days. So I bought him those exercise books that have the age on them.

[howdo]

Yes, you are expecting too much of him if he's never been taught to do these things. You teach him by modelling so constantly praise, comment on when any of the children use their manners, have the same expectations for him, if he doesn't say thank you for something, then you prompt him as you do a 2-4yo until it becomes part of his repertoire. Model putting things away and playing with toys appropriately, praise and thank the children constantly for doing things correctly. As he is 10, you also need to explicitly teach him by requesting straight out that he be more gentle or that he take better care with his belongings.

[~*Twilight~Zone*...]

I'm not sure of his history but I'm assuming your mum wasn't caring for him properly.

If that is the case you will probably have to take things slow and teach him - he may just not know any better.

[SeaPrincess]

So glad things are going well. I remember reading that he was coming to stay with you in the lead up to Christmas.

I don't know how to teach children to care about their things. I have always helped my children to pack things away when they are finished, but if I'm not there, they just take out more and more stuff until it is beyond them to know where to even start to pack away. I've tried rewarding them for packing away, taking things away, bagging up the stuff that they leave lying around and having them earn it back - nothing has worked. My mum just says "they're not like you were". Probably somewhere in the middle is what I am aiming for.

As for the thank you, I would just keep modelling and reminding please and thank you whenever it is appropriate. I even remind DH sometimes that please goes a long way. I don't think children understand the value of what parents (or sisters) do for them until they are much older, so it might be easier to just focus on manners.

Send the homework back and ask the school to send some more work for him. I would also take him to the library and borrow some books - you could make that a weekly outing.

Keep us posted.
R

[PatG]

If he has never been taught to say thank you or show appreciation he isn't just going to do it. You are going to have to treat him like a 2 or 3 year old in that respect - model appropriate behaviour and remind him over and over that this is how it is done. But, unlike a 2 or 3 year old he's going to get p*ssed about it so you probably need to pick one thing at a time to work on. Being rough with his things might be a good start. Maybe wait a while for working on manners/appreciation.

[MakeLoveNotBacon]

I think you're expecting too much too.

New clothes are great but not many 10 year old are going to get excited by it.

You can't force appreciation. Teach him how to look after his stuff, model the behaviour you want, treat him how you want to be treated and hope for the best.

[Ianthe]

Please, please, please don't alienate him with your disappointment. I get that you have expectations but there are ways to teach children that and he is going to need extra care as that has not been modelled or taught to him.

[Xiola]

I think you're expecting way too much from him. He doesn't know that was $300 worth of clothes or a $150 scooter and even if he did at 10 that's not going to mean that much to him unless he's been raised to care about the monetary value of things. He won't be able to meet any of your expectations unless you guide him and teach him gently especially if he's never been taught to care for his things.

This post has been edited by Xiola: 23/11/2012, 11:35 AM

[Romeo Void]

I think you're expecting way too much from him. He doesn't know that was $300 worth of clothes or a $150 scooter and even if he did at 10 that's not going to mean that much to him unless he's been raised to care about the monetary value of things. He won't be able to meet any of your expectations unless you guide him and teach him gently especially if he's never been taught to care for his things.

I agree, at 10 (to me) clothes were just something you chucked on so you could head outside and explore. The holes probably didn't bother him as much as they did you LOL. I bet even being clean is more of a grown up worry than something a 10 year old would fuss over!

And the scooter being banged up, I'm guessing he's giving it a good workout? That's not a bad thing I completely understand you wanting him to be more careful with your childrens toys, I guess he just hasn't had much experience with delicate toys. I guess you guide him like you would your own children, and your children will help set an example for him to learn from.

Guide him, show him a good time and if he goes home with a few more manners and some great experiences then you've done well! He sounds like she's smart enough so hopefully you should be able to guide him in the right direction. Hope you enjoy your holiday with him.

[meggs1]

Not the same thing, but as a young adult it was pointed out to me that I had no idea how to take a compliment. Someone would say "lovely dress" and I'd say "oh, no it's old and makes me look fat..." or whatever. I had to consciously learn to say thanks and also to compliment other people. It just wasn't done in my family.

Maybe say to him straight out that it's nice to thank people for things, it makes them feel good.