[EBmember7]

It has taken me so long to be able to write this post, yet I still feel unsure about sharing it. I fear that I will be bombed with the same replies I am getting IRL...
##But you baby is alive and healthy.##It doesn't matter HOW she arrived as long as you and her are alive##You wanted a baby for so long, be happy it happened
And I could go on and on.
It is now at a point when I stop talking about birth trauma (bt) or engaging with anyone who asks about her birth or my labour.
Initially, I was shocked to learn that many many (well meaning?) friends and family ask outright about the birth. I have never, (since my daughter was born) ever ask "so how was the labour etc?" And before I became a Mum it never crossed mind to ask any questions about it. Sure, over the years I have listened to other mums tell (by their choice) their horror stories or long birth dramas, and because I didn't know what I know now, I listened, nodded, comforted and did the things I felt would help the new Mum. Like offer support and validate their feelings. Reminding them that I am available to talk about it if/when they want to.
Now that I have first hand experience of BT and the long struggle to move on from it (which I haven't "got over it") I am move aware of some people and how it may trigger them or be very sensitive to their own story.
I don't know why people try to "soothe" a Mum who has had a traumatic birth or any part of their pregnancy or labour that was less then ideal for them. Only one friend has actually acknowledged that what I went through was "tough" and she added "will probably be an only child" after what you went through. Earlier, when I did bring it up or answered questions with words that clearly indicated BT I would get replies of "it's over now, move on" "my friend/sister/random would have done anything for a baby. She wouldn't have cared if she had a c section" Etc etc.
Even my GP of 6 years seemed puzzled as to why I cared that she was born via c section. Or that I felt not capable of "being a proper woman" and have a vaginal delivery. She even added that "most" patients would be happy with a c section and some demanded one. I understand and respect "each to their own" when making choices. But the choice I made was for a natural drug free low intervention birth. I really wanted my body to "work"
It has been compounded by hash comments about our IVF history. "You couldn't have even had this baby if it wasn't for medical intervention. She started in a non-natural way" Some express disbelief that I would even care "now that I have my take home baby"
It hurts.
It hurts a lot.
The main person who allows me to talk freely without these objections and who lets me be sad and mad and questioning things that happened in my four day labour is a paid therapist who I see each week and is not one to judge me or be harsh about my emotions. I guess it is not a surprise that I now only talk to him about it. He has given me some tools to assist me when the topic arises (which seems OFTEN) like changing the subject, say "I forget it was so intense" and even flatly "it was very traumatic and I am not ready to talk about it" that one works with some people who are in tune enough to catch on. But still I have had one woman reply with "all births are traumatic! In a humphy type of tone.
What I would love more than anything is for someone to say "I am sorry to hear that was your experience. Would you like to talk about it?" Or someone to say that I am OK to feel sad about what happened, and what didn't happen. Or even someone who says "I have no experience with that, are you getting help or can I do anything to help?"
I recall my wonderful daughters birth often. Usually when I am alone with her and replaying the week before she was born. She was born on a Thursday and some Thursdays I find myself looking at the clock and revisiting what happened at that time. 6.15am waters broken10.52am ordered not to eat anything in case I had to go to theatre11.28am OB telling me I hadn't dilated at all since the last check 3 hours prior1pm my husband and I talking through what we could do to "help things along" changing positions. Remaining calm.

And on these 'recall days' I can smell the hospital room. I get a shiver remembering how cold I was. Hearing that continual beeping of the monitor. I can taste the sweat running into my mouth as I got more and more upset and anxious. It is like I am back in Suite 4 and I pace around the house and insert things I should have said out-loud but at the time I didn't. At these times as it gets closer and closer to the time she was born I feel myself stretching and pulling at my belly in pain. The negotiations we had with my OB: Can we wait another hour and see if that works.... No I don't want an epidural "just in case". Days like that (mostly happen on a Thursday) I am so emotionally spent I feel exhausted and inevitably I cry and howl for hours on end as the time gets closer to being wheeled away to theatre.
I wish I could turn back time and at a few key times I wish I had maybe asked for more time, asked more questions.
I do love my daughter. I love her a lot. And feeling like I "hated" her birth is hard for me to sometimes separate the "birth" from my "child". I don't blame her of course. I had pre eclampsia and she was exhibiting signs of IUGR. My blood pressure was dangerously high and I had to be induced as I was close to complete placental failure.
I don't hate my OB, he is lovely and was then as well, and I believe he did the right things for me. Afterwards in the many many hours I have talked to him about it I understand that he initially wanted a c section much earlier in the day but he says he recognised that I really really wanted a vaginal birth and he agreed to my requests for more time to see if things would kick along more. He never once tried to bully or scare me into theatre. He calmly stated his opinion that she still high up and my cervix was very tight. He explained the heart monitor results and showed me when she was racing during certain times. He showed my husband and I in a little picture map he drew on a napkin that my cervix was swelling and how I just was not dilating at all past 4cm.
I am grieving for what I perceive as what I missed out on: my body working properly and pushing out a baby. I am grieving that I had a general and was asleep during her birth. That my husband had to wait outside. That I didn't get to see her for 7 hours until I left recovery. I am sad that my husband didn't get to catch her or hold her shoulders as she was delivered as we had hoped for. I feel like a failure: I was infertile. And so many IVF cycles later I finally fell pregnant. But due to both our medical needs she had to be born premature for her safety and for mine. I am angry that she went into Special Care and was tube fed. I am sad that we had to spend 27 nights in hospital as she grew stronger and gained weight and had a lot of testing for which I am thankful were all okay.
My therapist thinks it is a good idea for me to write the whole birth story out. In as much detail as I can so maybe that will help me. He says that I am normal, some women, like me are greatly upset about the child's birth. He said I am not a failure, I was just unfortunate. He told me to ignore the Mid Wife who on day 3 told me she wishes she still had her "honeymoon vagina" and had a c section because she has "never been the same again".
I feel sad. I feel lonely. I feel ostracised when I used to talk about it. I feel like I am so self indulgent for being sad about her birth, yet taking home a perfect happy healthy baby who brings us much joy.
I feel cheated that I can't fall pregnant again, after many more IVF attempts. Which compounds my fears that I will never have another child, when so many of my fellow IVF travelers are still waiting for their precious first. Guilt at that. Guilt at being so sensitive. Guilt that I have a child and my cousin had a 41 week stillborn son two months prior to my baby's birth. It consumes me.
I have had suggestions for AD, but I feel unsure about the ones that I have been offered as they are contraindicated with breastfeeding. I have asked about medication that is safe during BF and have been told (and researched myself independently) that there is still a risk to the baby. Some known risks and some "we just aren't sure of the long term impact on breast milk.."
I get jealous when I read or hear of "perfect" natural births or when it is referred to as the most "empowering moment of my life" birth stories.
I feel selfish and like I should just move on. But it is so hard.

[GlitterFarts]

oh honey!! How I wish I could reach through this computer and hug you so hard!!! I can hear the pain in your post.

I am the worst when it comes to words. Others are so much better than me and I pray that they will be along soon.

But I wanted to say that you are not alone, and you will not get those responses here in my experience.

All I can say is that you are fully entitled to feel any way you want about your birth experience! If YOU feel it was traumatic, then it was!! Regardless of how someone else "might" have felt.

I'm so sorry that there is no one IRL who understands what you are going through. But there are women here who do. Don't be afraid to reach out. My pm's are always open if you need someone to simply talk to. I may not have had a c/s, but I understand how it feels when no one else understands.

I know it's a South Australian site, but maybe look at CARES

http://www.caresinc.org.au/

http://www.caresinc.org.au/resources/emotional-recovery/

Friends of mine who have had traumatic births say it really helped them, maybe it might for you too.

oh sweetie, I wish I could be more help

Feel free to vent and process here as much as you like.



This post has been edited by Freakypet: 15/11/2012, 12:42 AM

[UgglePuggle]

I don't have time to write a proper reply now but I couldn't leave without saying something. I too had a traumatic birth experience and my baby spent the first 6 weeks of his life in intensive care. Like you I didn't meet him until about 12 hours after the birth. The weird thing is that whenever I think of him as a newborn, that time in hospital looms as the main memory, even though it was "only" 6 weeks out of many months. I also have regrets about that time and wish I could change some things. They haunt me and I don't talk about them because, like you, people seem to feel the need to be positive but don't realise that in the process they are negating your feelings and essentially saying "what you went through doesn't matter". It does matter. It's hard for me to let go too.

It's fantastic you are seeing someone. Never mind that you're paying them. What's important is that you can let yourself properly acknowledge your feelings and not try to minimise them. They need a chance to find their place in your heart and mind.

Also, with the AD thing, I'm in the same boat. Still BF and even though my doctor says they're safe, I'm not convinced and won't take the risk. But what I have done that's helped is had blood tests to see what else might be affecting my mood. Vit D deficiency in my case but could have been many things. Perhaps worth trying?

I wish you the best of luck in a really difficult situation

p.s. I'm happy for you to pm me if you want

This post has been edited by UgglePuggle: 15/11/2012, 12:39 AM

[Sinister Bonnet]

It is hard. It really sucks. So much which is so painful.

But at some stage you really do have to look at finding what works to help you move on. Does your current psych offer CBT? Revisiting your pain on a Thursday is not a longterm helpful thing.

[EBmember7]

Thank you for your swift replies. I wasn't really expecting anyone to respond. I am so glad that I wrote my post after months of thinking it over.
I too wish for a hug from someone who will just hold me while I cry and not be scared away. Or judge me.
I don't like the idea of AD, but I accept that I might need extra support so I have it on my list to ask again about. I love breastfeeding: I think part of me sees it as my body actually working and doing as it is "supposed" to. I know that is not the case for all Mums. And I feel sorry for any Mum who wants to BF but for a million reasons didn't happen for them. I am lucky in that way that I can finally do something for my bubba that feels important. That's not in anyway to upset the women who can't/don't want to/couldn't etc. it's just a private little joy of mine that makes me feel a small part like I am making up for my baby not having a vaginal birth. And we all know there are pages and pages of reasons why a natural birth helps the child etc etc.
I sort of resent having to see a therapist... It was very very hard to go and see him the first time (actually its still hard a year and a bit later to go) I wish I had a close girlfriend or family member who could support me rather than paying someone to be "my friend" I know it's not that way in reality. I see it similar as to when the car breaks down, you pay for a mechanic etc.. Not everyone has a friend who can "fix" cars. Or "fix" broken hearts like mine.
I wonder endlessly if I am a bad mother. Does my sadness impact on my little girl? Does she know that I feel this way about her birth? Will she understand when she gets older that I did love her, just not straight away. I don't want to do anything that would make her need therapy in the future because of me!! I am committed to seeing him until I feel "better". And for me, "better" would include not crying every time her birth is mentioned. Not dreading her birthday as it reminds me of my failure and sadness. And "better" would certainly include somehow halting these frightening Thursday replays of her birth.
I am awed that a few ladies replied so quickly, giving me some hope that I am not so alone.
Thank you very much, honestly you have really helped me. Especially as tomorrow is Thursday. Thank you very much.

[heffalumpsnwoozl...]

I'm so sorry you had such a horrible experience. A lot of what you said resonated with me.

DH and I tried several rounds of IVF before eventually falling pregnant naturally. We were diagnosed with male factor infertility, but nonetheless, despite all logic saying otherwise, I felt defective because I wasn't able to get pregnant. When it finally came to having that baby, I was determined that I'd seen enough intervention in this baby journey, I wanted my body to do what it was supposed to and give birth as naturally as possible. When it didn't work out that way and I ended up with a c-section, I was devastated. I had my beautiful baby girl, everything I had wanted, but I felt like I'd cheated to get there. No logic to it, none whatsoever - but that's how the human mind works. And I felt like I'd been cheated of those first precious moments with her. I was so out of it when they lay her next to me that I don't even remember it. I remember lying in recovery all alone later on, but I don't remember the first time I saw my little girl. My MIL loves to reminisce about the first hours of DD1's life, how wonderful it was seeing the brand new baby, and every time I want to cry because it brings back all those feelings of how I missed out on it.

On top of that, I think people who have been through fertility treatments are just expected to be supremely grateful that we have a baby at all, and that should cancel out any negatives that may have happened. That if we were ok with intervention to get the baby into us, we shouldn't have a problem with intervention to get him/her out. But to my mind, the fact that intervention was required in the first place is what made it so much MORE important to me to have some part of the process without poking, prodding, needles, and complete lack of participation.

So I get you, I really do. I hope your counsellor is helping, and I hope you can come up with some strategies to regain a sense of control. And try to get some exercise, I've found that helps with my moods more than anything else, even antidepressants.

[MrsLightyear]

I'm not a great one with words but I couldn't read and not respond.. Thank you for finding the courage to write this post. I belive it is so important for women to share these stories, so that others who have also experienced traumatic births can reach out to others who "get it" and so that the women who don't get it can build a better understanding. I hope you find this forum to be safe place where you can vent and debrief as much as you need.

It has been compounded by hash comments about our IVF history. "You couldn't have even had this baby if it wasn't for medical intervention. She started in a non-natural way" Some express disbelief that I would even care "now that I have my take home baby"

I am so sorry that people have said these words to you.

[Inigo Montoya]

I've been avoiding this section after my own birth trauma 3 months ago, but came in from the "latest posts" on the side.

I have recently been diagnosed with PTSD after the birth of my son. I am so sick of hearing "but you have a healthy baby! All is fine now. Well you can't change what happened", etc. People don't understand.

I want to write a long reply but I just can't find the words.

I did choose to start anti depressants despite breastfeeding though.

All the best.

[Mummalovin]

Could have written most of your post myself. Had to use IVF and after 9 years got our first positive preg test to go on and have DS and DD1 at 34 weeks due to preeclampsia. All the plans for anything natural went out the window DD1 required some "extra attention" to get her breathing so for what seemed like ages we waited for our 1st born (by 2 minutes ) to cry. Bad reaction to the epidural had me sick for about 24 hrs.

2.5 yrs later we went back for a frozen transfer. DD2 & 3 arrived at 38 via c-section again due to transverse positions. Thought I knew what I was in for but had an even worse experience due to hypovolemic shock. I ended up in high dependency (ICU) for the day. The girls were born at 8am, I can remember seeing DH holding one of the girls, it was dark outside and I wondered if I'd get to hold them.

There has been nothing natural about my journey to motherhood and I think that because I had to use IVF I felt that I shouldn't complain about anything, after all I finally got what I wanted (and WAY more ) It took me a fair while and some help, meds and therapy, to reach a point where I am better with it all. I can look back now, my little girls at 7, and I feel like I've moved on. That is until I watch a show on TV that has a traumatic birth then I just lose it

I guess after all my rambling I'm trying to say - please know you are not alone and there are people here who will listen. It's great that you are seeing someone and have got onto it early. The way we get pregnant doesn't make any of the experiences that come after that point any less valid because we "finally got what we wanted so we shouldn't complain"

Take care

[Eirinn]

Believe me, there are plenty of us out there who can relate and completely sympathise. It's just that as you have found out, no one IRL will let you talk about it.

Your feelings are all perfectly valid. You can feel grateful and blessed for your beautiful baby, AND feel grief and trauma about her birth. The two are not mutually exclusive, no matter what anyone tells you.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I have had two unwanted caesars and there will always be a part of me that carries shame and sadness.

If you want a sounding board, feel free to PM me.