[Lorem ipsum]

Hoping writing this out will help me to feel a bit better.

DS is almost 6 weeks old, and has been on formula top ups his whole life (low blood sugar, then losing too much weight)

I haven't been able to produce enough milk for him. I have tried pretty much everything I could; expressing, lactation cookies, motilium, using a supply line. None of it has really seemed to help. I have decided to quit expressing, because, it doesn;t seem to be helping abd the 5-10 ml I am getting is depressing, and I am basically just pinching his milk for the next feed, as he is cluster feeding.

When he does go on the breast he fights, pulls and comes off all the time because he is not getting enough. He is only happy after his formula top up. I guess I am just grieving the breastfeeding experience. The beautiful mother and child bonding and special link. I want him to grow strong because of what I give him, not what comes out of a tin. Selfish I guess.

Anyway thanks for reading. I will get over it, eventually. But I am sad at the moment

This post has been edited by Lorem ipsum: 21/11/2012, 05:08 PM

[twilightangel]

Not sure what to say but and please be gentle on yourself.

This post has been edited by twilightangel: 14/11/2012, 03:36 PM

[ssorrrento]

I had these same feelings and experience with my bf journey.

I wish so much that I'd stopped trying sooner. I managed 6 months and with hindsight, I have to be honest and say that all the attempts to bf interfered with the enjoyment I should have had with my son during this time.

It was just too stressful, and feeling like a failure didn't help.

You've done everything you can - don't beat yourself up.

[Lil Chickens]

I'm so sorry for you. It's understandable that you are sad but please don't feel like a failure. You have clearly done everything you can to try and increase your supply.

Let go of the feeling of failure and enjoy feeding your bub calmly - he sounds happier with the bottle so the feeding will be a much better experience for both of you.

[puffsgirl11]

I hear you on this. Something that is so natural is so bloody hard to get right.

I have decided today to just express for my baby while I can as BF is causing me so much heartache and I want to enjoy my baby not resent him everytime he is due for a feed.

I know you are an amazing mother, and whether you are BF or not it doesn't define you as a mother. As long as your baby is getting fed I don't think it should matter how that comes about.

I don't know why we torture ourselves with trying to be the perfect parent.

I know its sad, but I believe for both your own emotional wellbeing and baby's health you are doing the right thing.

[MissM86]

hugs to you. I could have written your post when my DD was your son's age. I think I really grieved the loss of the whole idealized experience of breastfeeding that I had in my head. I wanted to have another baby immediately so I could try breastfeeding again (craziest idea ever, thank goodness I didn't do that)!

14 months on and I am at peace with it (mostly). It takes time to get over not breastfeeding if that is what you had planned to do.

Looking back, its true what everyone around me was saying but I refused to notice- DD was/is happier on formula because she was getting enough milk. She has thrived and became a happier, calmer baby when her tummy was full. Breastfeeding may be wonderful for some but for my baby it was formula that really helped.

Good luck OP. Hang in there.

[jac-ts]

I breastfeed for 3 months and then my milk turned greeny grey - most horrible thing I had seen, especially since it had come out of me! After crying and thinking I was the worst mother in the world i rang my mum who told me that breastfeeding your baby didn't mean you loved your child more than bottle feed babies and to 'just get her feed'. It was what I needed to hear, and for all those comments to come about 'bonding', DD still looked at me when I gave her the bottle and I held her close and sang to her. P

[PurpleNess]

OH OP I was you once & feel your pain. But I also want to say my son iwas pretty well fully FF from birth - i expressed for 3 months but topped up most of the time - and we have a fantastic bond.

A few things I did & occasionally still do ( DS is 11 months old) which I found helped with that bonding was:
Feed baby skin on skin - breast or bottle
Have a bath with baby & feed in the bath
Have lots of skin on skin cuddles outside of feeding time
Wear baby in a sling/ergo frequently.

Don't worry about where his nutrition comes from - what matters is that he is getting it. Once I threw in the expressing/BF towel both DS & I thrived. He was sooo much more settled and I felt like a whole new world had opened up to me. Bonding was actually better as I was clear to focus on him, not the bloody pump, nipple shields, attachment issues etc.

I did struggle with the loss , it's a grieving process of sorts, so be gentle on yourself and give yourself time to move on - you are not a failure & neither am I!

[Lorem ipsum]

Thanks everyone.

It is hard to get used to. When I was pregnant, I was asked by the midwife if I was planning to breastfeed. Of course I replied, why wouldn't you. I wonder if there was more info available that bfing doesn't always work, would make people feel less guilty about it.

Having said that DS is an IVF baby, so I should know about when your body lets you down....

[--binda--]

I feel for you.

I have had trouble feeding all three of my girls, but the last one was the one that just wouldn't put on weight if I tried.


Even now that she's 18 months old, I'm sad that I don't get to feed her.