[jadeann]

Long time member gone anon for privacy reasons...

I'm at my wits end with my 13 year old dd. I just don't now what to do with her behaviour and her bad attitude and would appreciate any advice.

She is lazy, will not complete chores and she only has one basic chore that is to unpack dishwasher, other chores are punishments and she doesn't do them. She doesn't pick up after herself and this morning dh discovered her sanitary bin overflowing with dirty pads shoved behind it, we have a toddler ffs this is not on! She has exams coming up doesn't bother studying, regularly doesn't do her homework. Everything is such an effort for her, she has no work ethic. She has forever got her head stuck in a book.

She is a smartarse, mouthy, stroppy and b**chy. Always mouthing off at her younger brother, yelling at him calling him a moron and will yell at me when I pull her up on it. She often hurts her 6 year old brother lashing out at him seeing it as her duty to punish him. Yes he does antagonise her and I do my best to deal with it but it is hard to punish him when shes has decided that if he hurts her she will hurt him 10 times worse and I am dealing with a crying injured 6 year old.

She is a liar, I swear she thinks we are stupid she lied about cutting her hair, she lies so much I have lost any trust I had in her.

She is ungrateful, the amount of time and money we spend on her activities is well quite a lot and we get it thrown in our faces. She goes to a private girls school which she hates because they are really strict and she wants to go to a school with boys because she wants a boyfriend she thinks it is tragic she is 13 and still not had a boyfriend. She does a lot of sports and youth group and has plenty of contact with boys just "no hot ones". We don't want her going to the local public high school it is very rough and their are girls she had issues with in primary school attending that will in their words 'make her life a living hell" I spend 10+ hrs a week just doing the school commute for her. Add another 15 - 20 hrs of chauffering her ungrateful a*se around to her sports and activities and take in to consideration my other 2 kids and it is fecking exhausting.

She is sneaky and deceptive, she will be sent to bed at 9pm and reads for a while and knows its lights out by 9.30 but she has been known to be up well past midnight on her phone or reading and when she is busted she will lie about it. She goes onto websites she is not allowed to and again lies about it. She is always staying up too late and as a result waking up with too little sleep and being an even more tired and cranky b**ch than usual.

She is defiant and rebellious, she will deliberately break school rules or rules at home just to see how far she can push it.

That is a brief summary of her behaviour, I could keep going on and on....I am just over her. We do so much for her and make sacrifices for her because she is our daughter, we love her and think she is worth it. We still love her but starting to think she is not so much worth it now. We have been disclipling her, tried many approaches. I have tried sitting down and having a mature talk to her, have tried letting her choose her own punishments, have tried to reward good behaviour. We have given her various punishments at different stages including;

Taken away her smart phone and given her a 'dumb' old style that does nothing but make calls and sms no internet.

Taken away her pc and internet access, changed our router password so she can no longer access it only under strict supervision for school work.

Taken away her tv.

Refused to take her to certain activities using the excuse 'I can't be bothered' or 'I have better stuff to do' giving her a taste of her own medicine.

Given her extra chores, eg. if shes doesn't unpack dishwasher then she will have to load it as well.

Grounded her.

Taken her door off the hinges.

Nothing seems to work she will behave for a while to get what she wants then revert back to her bad behaviour and attitude. No matter what we take from her she will find something else to distract herself with. It is not unusual for her to when she is supposed to be doing something take a book and go lock herself in the toilet for an hour here and there. I just don't know what is left to discipline her with. I can't see many options left, I could take her books and activities away but is that a bit too harsh? Even prisoners get to have these. I've even broken down in front of her and completely lost it. That changed her behaviour that night... until the next day. I'm on the verge of pulling her our of her school enrolling her in the local high school and telling her here you go this is what you wanted now fend for yourself. I've thought of cutting out all her activities and telling her you want to go then you take yourself there and pay for it yourself. I've just had enough I love my daughter but don't like her very much at the moment.

[hellsmail]

teenagers, I have a 14 year old boy like that but my 17 year old son is so much better now that his brain isn't soup anymore. Hang in there they are having bigger brain rewiring than happened in the first year of life, It is horrid but it does get better.

[MakeLoveNotBacon]

Instead of rewards or punishments, I would look into the 'why'. I don't believe most kids want to behave like that. No-one wants to be angry, hostile and negative.

Perhaps seek some professional guidance through a school counsellor.

If that is not possible, there is great book for all ages, P.E.T (Parent Effectiveness Training) - there is also a training program in most cities.

[miriams]

Nothing to say except you have my full sympathies. We could have written this post almost word for word. We are dealing with almost exactly the same behaviours with our twelve year old DD (minus the boys bit ...as yet). I used to stay up reading at the same age too though and my mum just gives me a cryptic smile if I complain about all this

[Sweet like a lem...]

Okay, I don't have a teenager yet, but 13yo s are notoriously difficult.

Personally I would ensure there are web filters in place to prevent her from a: visiting websites that are off limits and b: limit the amount of time she gets on the PC. There are heaps of free to use, user friendly tools out there.

I also would not allow electronics in the bedroom after bedtime. Period. Not something that can be negotiated with good or bad behaviour. There have been plenty of studies done which all conclude it's
simply not good for them.

The part of her brain that measures consequence is still very much under development and will be for a few more years.

A sympathetic female GP will be able to give support and guidance with hormonal and behavioural issues.

This post has been edited by ForsakenTruth: 14/11/2012, 11:48 AM

[BadCat]

Sounds like you have given her an awful lot, phone, tv, private school, activities galore, and she has never had to earn anything.

It might be time to sit her down and redress the balance. Explain to her that these things are privileges many of which you are now removing. She can earn back her phone, her tv, her internet and her activities by behaving appropriately and doing her chores.

You can make allowances for some disturbances due to puberty but it can't be an excuse to ride roughshod over the rest of the family.

[idignantlyright]

I have 13yr old & have 2 other older girls.
I understand what you are going through and others have given great advice, but do you really have to refer to your teenage DD the way you have?
Our now 13yr old is more a handfull than the others were, but b**chy and b**ch are not words I would use to describe her.

[Jemstar]

^

I agree with BadCat. Also PET is well worth a look.

[Funwith3]

I haven't got a teenager yet, but if its any consolation, this is explaining exactly what I was like as a 13 year old. I was a parent's nightmare!! When I look back I wonder what my parents did wrong because they tried SOOOO hard with me. Nothing worked.

I think I saw them as my enemies, not my friends. Perhaps you could try to befriend her. Find out what's really going on in her life, how she feels, what her insecurities are, what's worrying her etc. How about SHE set some rules. You could all sit down together and work out some rules that everyone agrees on (curfew times for example).

I think that's the one thing I will take from my parents and use in my own parenting - don't become their enemies. Try to stay friends...but that doesn't mean giving in to everything.

It's so hard. Please be assured, I was such a ratbag (seriously!!) and I turned out fine. I came to my senses when I was about 17.

[Jemstar]

b**ch and b**chy have been used as descriptors of behaviour. The OP hasn't said anywhere that she has called her daughter a b**ch - surely we are allowed, as parents, to recognise and comment on the less savoury aspects of behaviour, or is it just nor PC enough for you?