[JuliaD]

My DH gave me an ultimatum of sorts last night.
I had already said that I was going to have a break until new year of TTC again (after already having 2 mc this year). But now he has extended that by saying, I don't want to try again until we have $xxxxx in the bank.
We have savings, I own my car, we have a mortgage that is manageable, we both work and earn good wages, but I don't have the amount that he wants in savings, and won't have that until probably June next year - based on our budget.

After having a couple of mc already, I just don't particularly care that much - life really is precious and too short to be caring *that* much about money, especially when we can afford it regardless. I just want to get back on my bike (so to speak) and try again, come new year. I know that I might have another mc, and I might not even conceive until June, but I still think that's a lot of missed opportunities!

Am I being unreasonable, is my DH right? I'm sure my emotions cloud my judgement at times, but seriously...

[YodaTheWrinkledO...]

How long will it take to achieve his savings target? And why does he think it's important? His motivation for saying this is very important.

ETA : Just realised that you have said it will probably achieved by June.

What would I do? Ask him if he will pull this stunt again in June and why should I trust him to keep his word.

It depends if you believe his concerns to be genuine and honest and that he will get back on board by June like he is saying. If that's the case, I'd say fine and drop the subject until June. And make sure his financial target is hit in May so he has no excuse not to start DTD in June.

This post has been edited by YodaTheWrinkledOne: 13/11/2012, 12:31 PM

[Penguin78]

Maybe he is struggling with the MC more then you thought? Sounds like he is delaying, and might have emotional issues to deal with.

Time for an open discussion I think, and be sensitive to his reasons. Hopefully you can both reach some compromise.

[countrychic29]

whilst i dont think you are being unreasonable there has to be a happy medium.
I was similar we decided to start TTC was pg in 2 weeks ... i was expecting it to take months, unfortunately m/c and i think then i realised how unprepared financially we were ... so we knuckled down saving for 5 months while on a TTC break...then TTC fell straight away again luckily and now the savings is really happening as it has to...

FWIW - when we got married we said we wouldnt have children until we had $50K in bank ...things change and our priority was to have a family, like yourself after a m/c and so much uncertainty we felt like there we could wait forever or just make it happen. good luck

[noi'mnot]

It all depends on his reasons. How did he come to the figure that he gave you? What is it based on? Is it actually needed? Reading between the lines, was he saying "I'm not ready yet, give me until June and I will be"?

I think you need to talk to him.

Good luck!

[sarkazm76]

For us it was/ is again this time - how much time do I want to take off work. What is the total owed on the mortgage in that time. Ok - we need to be AHEAD on the mortgage (rather than have in savings) that amount by the time bubs is due. Factor in from time of conception you have 9-10 months to save. First time around we also sold one car to add to the cash. This time it's a bit easier as I have about 5 weeks long service leave up my sleeve too

I agree he maybe really saying he wants a break from the trying and the money is on his mind and wasn't stopping him previously... but combined with his grief... now it is?

Have a sensitive talk to him. Explain your side. Work out a savings plan - compromise on the amount maybe? Point out you have 9 months to save whilst pregnant.

[TillyTake2]

I don't think the concept of having a savings goal is necessarily unreasonable but I think the way he is going about it is a bit off.

We have a savings goal before ttc (as well as some other goals like renovations and some health stuff) but they were mutually discussed & agreed.

Perhaps discuss why he's suddenly come up with this idea?

[Bwok~Bwok]

Maybe he is struggling with the MC more then you thought? Sounds like he is delaying, and might have emotional issues to deal with.

This is what I was coming in to say - maybe it's his way of saying 'I need time out!' - it affects the men as well, and women tend to forget that.

It also could be him wanting you to have time out - to physically/mentally get back on track. Maybe he can see the toll it is taking on you.

ETA: Do you think he may have been hinting at you and you weren't listening to him in regards to going on a break, so he has resorted to this? Not having a go, I know how consuming it can all become and you lose focus!

This post has been edited by Bwok~Bwok: 13/11/2012, 12:46 PM

[MrsLexiK]

I don't think it is unreasonable no. Perhaps he has realised how much it actually costs. We had a plan, no debt other then mortgage, payments covered for x amount of weeks, savings put aside for fod for x amount of months etc before we started trying. We also had to finish some things on the house before the baby gets here so we had to factor in money for that as well. I don't think it is stupid, I think it is smart. And yes I have issues which meant TTC may have taking 2+ years, or may never have happened.

[SeaPrincess]

Maybe he is struggling with the MC more then you thought? Sounds like he is delaying, and might have emotional issues to deal with.

This was my thought too - it sounds like an excuse to delay the emotional roller coaster of TTC, especially after miscarriages. Maybe you can reach a compromise, but definitely some honest communication is required.

R