[bryce's-mummy]

We have been married for 4 and a half years. I have been unhappy the last three years that I can remember Mainly because I feel like he takes me for granted, does very little around the house to help and is very snappy at me (I often feel more like a sister than his wife as that's how he treats me).

I am unsure of how I feel about our marriage (or even if I love him) as so many other people (friends, family, counsellor, psychologist) have given different advice and opinions. I am tired. I am over it all!

Every time we have an argument he has major attitude. At our next counselling session (about every two - four weeks) he will admit that he was more than half the problem. I am not pretending I am not part of the problem - I know I am far from perfect and at least he admits fault which I give him credit for- but that doesn't seem to change anything. I am trying hard to support him- but it all blows up in my face and I now feel like I have no more energy left to give. I am just exhausted.

Just a little scenario that happened over the weekend: I was tired as me and the kids had been to DS's schoolfriends bday party at the park (30 plus degrees), I had also cleaned the house, cooked tea and I had got DD bathed and in her PJ's. I merely asked DH after tea if he could wash the dishes for me, saying something like "please Hun can you wash the dishes for me?". He answers back quite sternly "No!" So then we argued- again! Not about the dishes. But at the fact that he doesn't do anything to help me (including picking up his dirty laundry off the floors, tidying up his own mess etc). I do EVERYTHING! Even stuff that was agreed were "his jobs"- mowing lawn, picking up dog poo , he rarely does. I am now at a loss for what to do.

Some people suggest doing absolutely nothing for him (in the past I have let his clothes build up to the size of Mt Everest)- doesn't bother him in the least but yet makes our bedroom look like a dump. A family member suggest I don't cook him any meals- but I don't think that is fair. Plus when I mentioned this to the counsellor he said that by [not] doing these such things would be seen as a negative in DH's eyes and could make things even worse for us. But I really don't know what to do.

What does your DH do- and what can I do from here? I am losing all hope.

This post has been edited by bryce's-mummy: 20/11/2012, 08:24 PM

[ChickenortheEgg?]

Walk out the door with the kids and stay with family / friends for a week.

[*LucyE*]

What does your DH do- and what can I do from here?

My DH treats me with a lot of respect and consideration, but due to his work, most of the time he does very little domestic chores/tasks.

He isn't unwilling so much as just not physically present. Or when he is, he is often preoccupied with work, or exhausted. He helps when he can though. And I know that he does appreciate all that I do for our family.

In practical terms, that means I do all the washing/drying/ironing/folding/putting away. All the meal planning/prep and shopping. Most of the household cleaning (other than the once a week cleaners). Nearly all the children related school and extra curricula activities is up to me. All the baby care. Until we got some help, I also did most of the yard maintenance (and for a while, that included mowing). I am still the only person who does the dog's poo patrol.

The difference is, that we are working together. We just have different jobs and roles in our partnership to make it work. We have a shared long term plan and we have steps that we need to take to reach it. Not everyday is fun and filled with unicorns. It's hard, it takes effort but it does feel worth it.

I don't know what advice to give to you, but from the sounds of it, it's less about your DH but how YOU feel. What do you want out of life?

[Ducky*Fuzz]

My husband does an awesome job - he does a hell of a lot around the house, mostly because he's a neat freak and piles of stuff don't bother me. I know where everything is and it reminds me to finish things.

I know it doesn't sound very constructive but do him one last thing and pack his bags. Sorry but I don't think he's going to change.

This post has been edited by ~*MESS*~: 12/11/2012, 11:17 PM

[galba]

TBH he's zoned out of the relationship - I can't think of any occasion where a family member/friend/child/husband has said 'No!" when I've asked them to help me do something

Does he want to continue the relationship? He's going to counseling but what does he want out of it?

Are there any sparks there that you think you can rekindle? Do you want to? If he was to turn around and help you - would that be enough or do you want more than that, something that he's unable to give you.

I wouldn't be leaving until I had given the relationship a chance to change - only you will know when that time is.

[RunawayPrincess]

DF does quite a bit - laundry (including ironing), vacuuming and mopping, cleans the cars, all the yard work (except mowing, we hire someone to do that), he washes dishes when/if he is home, washes the shower/toilet/bath/sinks. He is really good, but lived alone for a number of years so has had a lot of practice.

It sounds like you can do a lot better, and that you deserve a lot better. You seem to already know this, and you don't sound like you are happy at all. I wouldn't stick around any longer. I'd either get him to move out, or you move out with the kids.

[mumto4boys]

I really think that you need to increase the frequency of your counselling sessions.

Knowing just a little of your story and how much you have been through over the last ten years, the extra stress you have both faced, it is no surprise that thing are rocky.

The death of a child would have to be one of the worst things any parent could go through. Losing your darling Bryce, well, just getting out of bed would be a challenge many days.

I say this not to excuse his laziness, but the way that you two have lost your connection and need to find it again, it is beyond the ordinary husband and wife battle over housework.

I know that finances are also an issue but if there is any way you could see the counsellor more often then I'd be trying that before walking out.

I truly hope that you can both find your way back to each other.

[~shannon~]

I agree with mumto4boys. More counselling may help, as well as some time out for just the two of you (if you can get a babysitter or if you have relatives who can take the kids for a weekend) to try and reconnect again.
It sounds like he is stewing with resentment or anger, or something, to not even want to help you and is snappy at you. That's not a healthy relationship.

In my younger days I would have said "give him a taste of his own medicine" but I don't believe that anymore. Fighting fire with fire won't work. There has to be some better communication between you both to be able to see where the problems lie and to work on them. This is where the counsellor can help by giving you both an unbiased viewpoint as well as help you work out the issues without it ending in an argument (which is what may happen at home when you're trying to work things out on your own).

Good luck OP... it's a tough place you are in right now, but try not to lose hope.

[It'sallgood]

All the counselling in the world won't help if he's not willing to change and improve.

Honestly? I whinge about my husband over similar issues, but he is absolutely nowhere near as lazy as yours sounds. And mine would not just say "no" to something like that after the day you'd had. That's just plain rude, selfish and downright lazy.

I can't imagine I'd be very in love or wanting to try much with a man like that either.

Bugger spending more money on counselling, especially if you are already doing it tough financially. Unless you can get it free, then I know I wouldn't be willing to waste precious money on a man wiht an attitude and lack of respect towards me like that.

I'd walk out and leave him to it. He doesn't deserve to have you frankly. YOu're worth MORE then what he is willing or able to offer, by a long shot.

Tamm

[Sinister Bonnet]

I pretty much agree with Tamm. I'm not sure that I would be busting a gut to fix this. He needs to up his act. Both of you lost a child.