[Lyra]

A bit of background: I don't get on overly well with my family and really wouldn't have anything to do with them if I didn't have children. One of my brothers cut me loose as soon as we got my son's diagnosis. My parents are also incredibly racist (this bit will make sense soon)

My middle brother has a partner who is Indian and my parents can't stand her and do everything they can to avoid time with her. My family, brother and his partner all live in Adelaide. Partner's family lives very close to us in Melbourne.

Here comes the problem LOL: every time she comes to Melbourne she calls me. No problems there but it's always a 'I'm here come and catch up now' type text. My son has a complex medical condition and I have another child too. Every time she does that we have something on that literally can't be moved. For complicated reasons, she can't always come to us and we can't always just catch up quickly for a coffee. (I am being brief to get to the issue). So, last week she gave me a whole week's notice that she was coming over and that she would be around on Sunday afternoon. We are free this afternoon and this week I got a few offers of 'lets get together' from various people. Nope, keeping Sunday afternoon free. Yesterday I texted her to confirm that we were catching up. No reply. I called a couple of times this morning and left messages. No reply

Now, I am really miffed because we have been stuck home today waiting on a call and I am also annoyed because my brother pulled the 'Partner thinks you don't like her because you are never available' card. That is simply not true. I am not my parents and don't care that she is Indian. My not catching up with her has nothing to do with that. I am annoyed though that there has been a total lack of communication from her end

So, wise people of EB flame away and tell me I am being silly

[sandgropergirl]

No flames here, I would be narky too

[RunawayPrincess]

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I'd probably explain to your brother and his partner how you feel, maybe they will understand a bit more? I think it's incredibly rude and frustrating that you had something planned and she has stood you up, and then your brother says they feel you don't like her for no other reason than because you have a life?

I had family that thought the world revolved around them (amongst other things) and the best thing I ever did was cut them loose. You touched on the fact that that's something you'd like to do but can't because you have children, in my case personally that gave me even more reason to cut them loose. Something to think about I guess, everyone's situations are different.

[opethmum]

I would tell your brother that you have made every effort to be available to her but due to lack of commitment and communication it makes it difficult to catch up. Also explain to him that due to your son's complex medical needs you will not be able to be spontaneous in catch ups not now or ever. Explain that you like said partner and love that you are with them and that poor communication on her part is the problem here. Leave it at that and if he has a tantrum about that then that is his choice. You cannot change your brother's partner and her lack of communication with you. You are not in the wrong here. Go about your life and if she decides to create drama and be a drama llama then so be it.

[JustBeige]

No flame here either.

I think I would be trying to call my brother to find out where the heck she is. That way to, when you leave a message for him, he cant pass the blame all back on to you.

If he tries the 'Partner thinks you don't like her because you are never available' card., tell him that you do actually like her, but wont if she keeps trying to make herself more important than your very ill child. I find reminding them bluntly that someone is actually dealing with real life and death crap helps.

[Lyra]

I would tell your brother that you have made every effort to be available to her but due to lack of commitment and communication it makes it difficult to catch up.

You are assuming I am dealing with rational people My family lives in a world where it is all about them all of the time. It's exhausting which is why I limit contact. To clarify with the PP who mentioned cutting my family loose I am loathe to do that because I have uncles and aunties I don't know because my parents cut family members loose over trivialities and I don't want that for my children

Well, she just called and said that she was really busy and could we meet after school tomorrow so she could see the kids. Of course that is a reasonable request but after school really really doesn't suit me nor does catching up later in the evening. She tried to put the guilts on me which I ignored but to say that I am a bit annoyed is an understatement!

[FluffyOscar]

Wow, that is really self-centred of her OP. I think that the racism your extended family has shown her has prevented her from being considerate of you and your family needs (even though I would be just as annoyed and am not dealing with the same challenges as you are).

[RunawayPrincess]

To clarify with the PP who mentioned cutting my family loose I am loathe to do that because I have uncles and aunties I don't know because my parents cut family members loose over trivialities and I don't want that for my children

That's fair enough my parents did the same with some of my uncles and aunts, its only now that I've cut my parents out that I have been 'allowed' to have a relationship with my aunts that I never got to know, and respectively my cousins. It's a tough decision to make, I guess the fact my parents are sociopaths made it somewhat easy to do. Anyway, I'm going off topic

I'd definitely have a good chat to your brother and his partner, tell them how it is, and that its nothing personal.

[Malaya]

Yeah I'd be annoyed about this arvo! But I'd listen to her reason. It is nice of her to try to see you though (excluding her lack of contact this time)given your family issues

Is she just not understanding fully the reason you can't just drop everything and do as she pleases and when she pleases? I'm guessing she doesn't have kids, some people can be completely oblivious to the day to day stuff when they haven't been through it. Your situ sounds even more complex!

I'd probably say," sorry but tomorrow's not good bc of ....... I'll explain more when I talk/see you. Lets hope we can get together sooner rather than later! "

This post has been edited by Malaya: 11/11/2012, 02:42 PM

[Chedasha]

I think you are being perfectly reasonable. They know that you can't do things without pre planning and it being the right circumstances. If they ignore that they have no right to get snarky.

I can't believe one of your brothers cut you loose over your childs diagnosis. That is very self absorbed and sad.