[burg3r]

I need some advice, and an outside perspective on my relationship issues. As you can see, I've gone anonymous for this post. I guess because I'm embarrassed, and don't want our family to be identified.

Bit of back story:

DH is naturally a very quiet and shy person. He is extremely intelligent, a good loyal person and kind to DD. He is easy going and not argumentative. He is very good at his job and earns very well. He does FIFO so he is away from home a lot. He is the sole bread winner in our family.

I am a SAHM. It wasn't always this way, but for practical reasons, I am now at home. I organise our whole lives. I make every decision, I look after finances, bills. Basically everything you can imagine except for making money. It's not because I'm a control freak. It's because DH is away and also because he doesn't want any input into things.

Ok, so here's the issue - I feel like DH doesn't want to participate in life, he just opts out, he just doesn't talk. Really much at all. If I didn't make him talk he probably wouldn't say a word. He doesn't talk to me, or any of his friends or family. No one.
He won't initiate anything, I will organise everything, he doesn't want to have to think about anything.
He doesn't want to talk to me. Maybe this is my fault? I'm at the point where I think there is something wrong with me and that's why he doesn't want to talk?
I feel like I'm going through life alone, and when I need to discuss things with him he doesn't really want to know. He doesn't want to know about the issues, and he doesn't want to know me.

It kind of feels like I'm a single mum on centrelink for the most part. Financially, we are comfortable, but take that away, and I feel like a single parent most of the time.

I've been feeling like this for 2 years now and half of me thinks 'suck it up, he is a nice person, he works so hard, he shouldn't have to do anything else' but then the other half of me thinks 'arghh! I'm so fed up of you being so comatose! why won't you talk?! or react! or do something!'

Am I being ungrateful? Am I being ridiculous? Am I asking too much of him? Are my expectations too high?

I've told him how I've felt numerous times. Recently I've suggested we go to a counsellor but he refuses.

I guess I just need another person's perspective on this as my family and friends don't know. So I've just been thinking this and going through this for the last few years and feeling really confused about the whole situation.

Sorry for the super long post!!

[Becky Thatcher]

Has he always been like this or has he recently become withdrawn?

[howdoyoudoit]

I think your feeling lonely. When you say he doesnt want to talk about it...what do you mean? does he get annoyed, peeved off etc or is he matter of fact?

My DH is a bit the same..he is content in his own skin, he is happy with working,with us,the kids etc but if I never made him leave the house to go socialise he wouldn't. If I didnt organise our holidays he wouldn't either. When we are out or away etc he does enjoy himself and isnt grumpy but he is here nor there with it. In a lot of ways we are opposite but we do "get" each other. I could go out every night and talk all night, travel all the time whereas he doesnt have the same needs but we compromise with each other. Sometimes he stays with the kids and I get a fix with friends over wine/dinner etc (conversation that is! lol) He does infuriate me some days being like this but also I wouldnt want him the same as me. Some more convo at night would be nice sometimes but he is tired etc. Your DH would be very tired working FIFO as well..takes a lot out of them and probably is happy the way things are... I cant suggest anything other than maybe leave him with the kids when he gets home so you can get out with a friend for drinks/movies etc and try slowly without pushing/nagging him. He might also be depressed working 12hrs days so long stretches

[burg3r]

Has he always been like this or has he recently become withdrawn?

He's always been a bit like this, as this is his natural personality, but it's probably gotten worse recently.

I think before I didn't mind because at least he was talking to me and we were close and getting along. But now, I can't even say that.

I don't think he's hurting or damaged or anything. Nothing traumatic has happened, he had a good childhood, no one has died. So I don't think some major trauma has caused him to become withdrawn.

[Cath42]

When you say he doesn't talk, do you mean he's quiet and reserved or do you mean he literally ignores you for hours or days on end and refuses to interact at all? If he's ignoring you and any attempts you make to initiate conversation, you have a pretty serious situation on your hands.

[burg3r]

I think your feeling lonely. When you say he doesnt want to talk about it...what do you mean? does he get annoyed, peeved off etc or is he matter of fact?

Yeah, I'm definitely lonely in my relationship.

When we have to discuss something it will go like this:
1. I initiate the conversation
2. He will be on his computer and I'll have to bug him to pay attention to listen.
3. He will begrudgingly listen, and give a short reply, or say 'i don't know what to do'
4. I'll be annoyed and try and continue the conversation anyway.
5. He'll say 'i don't know' again or something like that.
6. I'll be grumpy and then work out the solution by myself

I know I'm not perfect, and there are probably better ways to go about things. But it's like getting blood from a stone!!!

[burg3r]

When you say he doesn't talk, do you mean he's quiet and reserved or do you mean he literally ignores you for hours or days on end and refuses to interact at all? If he's ignoring you and any attempts you make to initiate conversation, you have a pretty serious situation on your hands.

Probably a bit of both.

[niknok]

This sounds like my exDH....

It kind of feels like I'm a single mum on centrelink for the most part. Financially, we are comfortable, but take that away, and I feel like a single parent most of the time.

I've been feeling like this for 2 years now and half of me thinks 'suck it up, he is a nice person, he works so hard, he shouldn't have to do anything else' but then the other half of me thinks 'arghh! I'm so fed up of you being so comatose! why won't you talk?! or react! or do something!'

Am I being ungrateful? Am I being ridiculous? Am I asking too much of him? Are my expectations too high?

I've told him how I've felt numerous times. Recently I've suggested we go to a counsellor but he refuses.

My bold. I have no answers but wanted you to know you're not alone .

[Aribika]

I can relate to the organising everything part and the fact that it's easier that way because they are away a lot of the time. I can also relate to the frustration of trying to have a conversation with a DH who has his nose to a computer screen. In all honesty I was ready to walk away from my marriage because my DH was more interested in the computer than me.

Is this a big part of the problem for you? I think you have every right to engage with your husband on several levels and I don't think you are ungrateful at all to want to have a conversation and to want some input from him.

I do understand that the FIFO life can make it difficult to retain a connection with a partner and it takes effort on both sides to make that happen.

I also understand the feeling of beating you head against a wall trying to engage someone when they don't want to and starting to wonder if you are the problem. Your expectations do not sound too high.

There seems to be a lot of things at play for you and you have every right to want to improve things. Although I'm not sure exactly what you need to do I will say that I think small specific requests are the way to start.

For example my DH would spend nights out in the shed on the computer and I asked for one night a week with no computer. Be prepared to negotiate. Explain to him that you are lonely. Be prepared for him to complain and then hopefully come back with a begrudging compromise.

Although it is no excuse. Bare in mind that it can be very isolating for him to be away at work. Particularly if he spends nights alone in his room. He may feel like you don't need him if you are handling everything so well on your own and he might just be too lazy to bother trying.

Good luck.

Lorraine

This post has been edited by Aribika: 10/11/2012, 12:38 PM

[CallMeProtart]

Sounds like what my DH would be like if left to his own devices. He's also a natural 'veg out'er at home and it drives me nuts, and makes us very distant, me very lonely, etc etc. Thank heavens at least he's not on FIFO, and is VERY good around the house, but in terms of conversation, he seems to be able to be fascinated with every tom d*ck and harry and hold long conversations with strangers... but not me.

The only redeeming feature is that he's aware of it, he listens when it really upsets me, he tries to improve, we go to counselling occasionally, etc etc. So at least I know he's trying.
If he just invalidated my feelings on it and refused to go to counselling, I'd be seriously unimpressed.

Sorry that's probably not much help OP. But no I don't think you're being ungrateful. He's leaving all the relationship maintenance to you, and a marriage is a two-way thing.