[~A2~]

Hi all

New thread time

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Regards

Ali

[Luvbngamum]

Hey...It has been so long since I was last here, so very long and I promised I would not abandon this thread but, we finally have wireless...and it is so fast..it would take me ages on dial up so now that I am on wireless I can get on and be quick while the baby is asleep.

I am so sorry for any of you that are suffering right now. I have been there and done that 5 times and it is the worst of the worst. I HATE it...really hate what hg robs us of, that warm feeling other expectant mothers get toward their growing belly. It is completely unfair. I hate that it robs us of our chance to have the exact family we had planned. We want 6 kids (crazy I know) but I do not think I can go through another hg pg at my age with 2 little ones to care for. Would be a breeze if I had easy pg but that is not the case and I hate it.

Do not feel guilty about wishing it were all over, wishing the pg was gone. I too thought about little else but terminating my pg when I was in the worst of it, struggled on for hubby and the other kids really.

The great news is that is will get better. My littlest baby turned a year old yesterday and all memories of hg dim when I remember the best day..giving birth to her and meeting her for the first time. The hg is still with me, it always will be. Any thoughts about the early months of my pgs have me feeling sick, any real thoughts concerning having another have me suffering from a panic attack. If I smell something that I had smelt during my pg the nausea instantly returns. The memories are hard but, are fair outweighed by the amazing ones. I am a sentimental person and remembering back a year ago has me all emotional, Lily's birth was Amazing....and she was worth all of the hg a thousand times over...would I do it all again? Yes..for her I would do it all again in a heartbeat. WORTH EVERY SINGLE SECOND. For all of you still suffering, it will soon be worth it, when you hold your little one in your arms you will know that . It does not make it ok right now, but the time will go fast...I cant believe how fast it has passed. You will soon be holding that little one in your arms and hg will be a memory, not a reality.

Ok...so rant over...HAPPY FIRST BIRTHDAY LILY EDEN, YOU WERE WORTH EVERY SECOND OF THAT SUFFERING....xx

[Luvbngamum]

AND here she is....my beautiful Lily Eden on her very first birthday yesterday...She makes my heart leap and is the best part of me...

This post has been edited by Luvbngamum: 09/10/2012, 02:02 PM

[purple_daisy]

Luvbngamum thank you for those encouraging words. As this is my second pregnancy I know in my head that what you say is true, but isn't it so hard to believe it when you feel like death warmed up?

AFM I'm 7 weeks today and have started on zofran as I have started throwing up dry toast and water. In the last three weeks I've lost 2.5kg and my daily diet now consists of one piece of bread at breakfast time, maybe a few bites of bread over the day and my very patient and supportive husband will coax me to eat anything that I can tolerate for dinner - last night it was two mouthfuls of two minute noodles and a quarter of his (individual size) meat pie. No wonder I'm losing weight! I've had to arrange for my 16 m.o to be cared for full time now as I just can't do it. I lie around in bed getting up only to retch in the ensuite and yesterday I felt I didn't even have the energy to make myself some toast in the kitchen as it was too far to walk (about 15 steps).

Zaacaa and Reality Bites - I truly appreciate your honesty in sharing how dark and desperate your thoughts have been lately. You have both given me such a boost as I had a major melt down last night feeling like the only woman in the world who wasn't enjoying this miracle, and thinking that all my dark thoughts about the pregnancy made me a terrible person. I now see I am not alone, and that this is common for HG people - it was so liberating to know that! When I talked to DH he said the most supportive thing - remember to tell yourself that you DO want the BABY, you just don't want to be sick anymore, and there is nothing wrong with hating the sickness. So now I'm telling myself that over and over, which has helped a lot.

This post has been edited by purple_daisy: 10/10/2012, 07:06 AM

[Luvbngamum]

Oh purple daisy...I do understand where you are coming from. When I found out that i was pg with number 5 I had the biggest meltdown possible. She was planned but as soon as I felt that first rush of nausea, I knew I was pg and I hadn't even tested yet. I went to the bathroom at 4am and curled up in a ball and cried alone there for ages. I was freezing but just needed to cry and did not want hubby to know how scared I was. I have had 5 hg pg..all of varying severity. Number 4 was the worst by far..I was so sick and really wanted to die. I prayed for a miscarriage so many times, and feel so guilty about that now. So when number 5 was a reality, I lost it. Those first months of that pg I was sooooo depressed. I regretted my decision and begged God to end the pregnancy. My pg with Lily was not as bad as the previous one physically. I had acupuncture and forced down protein snacks, protein helps to ease nausea, I took meds and sipped at fluids and electrolytes from the chemist. I was prepared early and it did help somewhat but, emotionally I was a wreck and exhausted from the nausea. I felt so guilty about not being able to care for my son who was 14 months when I got pg.
The feelings of guilt have left me with severe anxiety. I struggle with separation anxiety when it comes to my two babies. I have come to realize, with counseling that the separation anxiety stems from the hg. In my mind I am terrified beyond belief that something will happen to them as I had prayed and wished that I would miscarry them during my pg. I am scared that fate, or God, will suddenly take them now because that is what I had wanted during those dark months. I can not be away from them without panicking. I HATE o leave them.
We wanted one more baby, we have been married for 20 years (next week) and right from the start we wanted 6 kids. I hate that I will not have 6...I have thought about it..thought maybe i could just do one more but...argh...with 2 babies to care for hg would be a huge nightmare. It was hard enough last time with 3 older kids and a toddler.
So I understand where you are coming from. You are in hell right now. I told myself at the end of every day of hell that "one more down, one less day of hg to go through, one day closer to it all being over"
Thinking of you xx

[Luvbngamum]

P.S If you have the energy, and feel up to it see if you can find my first post in the hg thread...would have been around Feb 2011...might help to have a read. I too fell apart, it does help to know that you are not alone.

[nickyblue]

I remember those dark days! The days when I would almost pray to miscarry and then feel overwhelming guilt that I wasn't enjoying being pregnant - after all that is what I had wanted for so long! The cycle of hate and guilt was horrid and I got to the point where I wondered what sort of mother I could posible be and that my baby would be better off without me.
HG robs mothers of sooo much and as I finaly feel like I am coming out of the haze I really wonder if I can go through it again! But my family doesn't feel complete! I hate it - but day by day I am hoping to heal enough to try again!

[RealityBites]

Another question, sorry.

My ms has almost completely disappeared. It didn't ease off until about 20 weeks last time and lasted for nine months my first pregnancy.

Is this unheard of at 9/10 weeks in hg land? Should I book a viability scan?

[zaacaa]

Luvbngamum thank you so much for your posts. I am lying here sobbing as a write this as I hate this sickness so much and just want to die. I thought I'd escaped it this time but it's hit with a vengeance, I've lost over 2 kgs in the last week, and I feel like such a terrible mum. DS has watched tv all day and survived on toast, sultanas, bananas and peanut butter sandwiches. I've had a piece of toast and gastrolyte to drink, and thank god it's stayed down for an hour. I feel like the most neglectful mum and DS (2.5) is here patting my back saying "please don't cry mum, it's ok, you're not sick anymore" and all I can do is cry and vomit. DH calls and checks and reminds me it's just the sickness talking, everything will be fine, and asks if I want to go to hospital. I think Im going to have to bite the bullet and fly my mum over so that DS isn't just left to his own devices every day. I just feel so guilty, towards DS, towards DH who is doing everything in the house and with DS and working full time, and so scared that I will not cope with either this pregnancy or the next baby. But reading your posts makes me remember it's just the HG talking and I won't feel like this forever.

Purple daisy I'm right here on this horrible HG ride with you! Here's hoping we both get off soon

Oh and luvbngamum Lily is just divine!

EFS

This post has been edited by zaacaa: 12/10/2012, 11:15 AM

[Luvbngamum]

Zaacaa: I cried reading your post because I was in the same place as you 18 months ago. My first pg was a hg pg but back then I had just myself to worry about. I felt so horrid but, DH cared for me when he was not at work and when he was I just lie in bed and sleep and vomit all day. I think that the hardest part of hg is the guilt. Guilt over negative thoughts about the baby and the pg, and guilt over those we feel we are neglecting like other kids and DH. With baby number 4 my older three where 14, 12 and 9..so they were at school all day. My Dh works afternoon shift so he was around to care for me during the day. The biggest challenge was pulling myself out of bed at 3pm to get the kids from school. I would take one of those vomit bags in the car and use it on the way too and from school. Once I made it home I would curl up in bed and the kids were left to their own devices. They served up their own dinner that Dh had prepared. I felt so guilty as was not around to help with homework or anything really but, they were old enough to understand and knew that it was the pg and would not last forever. When Pg with Lily, my DS(Harry) was only 14 months. I was still breast feeding him...he loved the feeding. I was shattered when my breast milk dried up when he was 16 months as I was too dehydrated to make it any more. He was such a mummys boy and would look to me for comfort but slowly he began to turn to DH because I was not around anymore, spent my days sleeping and vomiting. I felt so guilty. He watched TV too, ate a lot of sandwiches and tubs of yoghurt and would watch me vomit and start to cry because he did not understand what was happening. By the end of the pg whenever I went to the toilet he would make gagging sounds, mimicking me vomiting and say "Poor Mummy"..It was so much harder with him because he did not understand what was happening. He wanted me to play with him and could not understand why his once active, loving Mummy was different. It broke my heart. He was 23 months when Lily was born. He loved her instantly...after being a bit cautious about the whole hospital scene for a bit. The fact of the matter is that kids are resilient. He no longer remembers me like that...sick and pg. He has his old mummy back, the fun one, and all that happened during those dark months has been forgotten. Did it change him???Yes I think it did. He is now a Mums boy again but is not so reliant, he will look to others for help..and has bonded more with DH than he probably would have. Your DS has had his life turned upside down for a bit and is probably worried about you, talk to him about the baby that will be coming when you think the time is right to do so. Let him know that you are not well but will be ok and just take each day at a time. Watching TV for a few months will not kill him...and seeing you vomit and ill on the sofa won't either...Lots of reassurance and cuddles when you are feeling up to it will help reassure him. But he will be ok...Dh will be ok. It is his turn to look after you, as you are looking after your new baby right now...and that is a very important job.....

realitybites: It is often the case that there is a bit of a lull in hg at the 9 week mark...the placenta just starts the process of taking over the job of manufacturing hormones. I found that there was always a few days around that point that I would begin to feel ok . I worried that I had miscarried and then BAM it was back in full force. My DH had to take a week holidays at 9.5-10.5 weeks because that was the absolute worst point in my last pg. On and off around that time I would have and hour or two where things were almost bearable before the vomiting returned. I think I remember other ladies that shared pg at the same time as me experiencing the same thing. I really only noticed a slight decrease in symptoms on a frequent basis, after the 16 week mark. Helpher.org is and American website for women suffering from hg and has a lot of info on there if you feel up to reading it. If you are worried though get a check up done. It does not hurt to be reassured.

nickyblue: HATE Hg too. I really wanted 6 children, so does DH...but I just do not think I am brave enough to go again. The memories do fade after some time...you begin to tell yourself that it was not so bad and become strong enough to do it again. I have had 5 and that is how it was for me...I would wait just long enough to recover and tell myself that I could get through it because I had blocked some of the memories out. And...the babies are so worth it. You get immersed into being a Mummy and that love you have overides everything else. Hg is why we have such huge age gaps between our kids...It took me ages to work up the courage to do it over and over. Baby 4 and 5 have the closest age gap...23 months...because I felt DS needed a sibling close in age to himself as umber 3 is 9 years older and...I am in my early 40's so did not want to wait too long in case it took a while.

Now I keep having thoughts of number 6...I turn 43 in December and have not yet recovered from the hg memories..One minute I think "oh why not...we always planned 6, i do not want to regret not having another" The next minute I am feeding my baby or in the garden with the kids and sudden thoughts of months of lying in bed vomiting flood back and I panic. I do not think I could cope caring for a 3 year old and a 1 year old and have hg at the same time...that is reality but, my longing for a 6th baby is so strong...just trying to forget all about it and push my longing aside. I wake up at night and think about it over and over, trying convince myself that it would be ok but I know it would not...Why do I have to be so damn maternal??? I do myself no favors being so clucky...I said after number 5 I would NEVER do it again...DH almost had the snip...and as soon as she arrived DH and I looked at each other and I said " Slap me hard if I even mention that I want to go through it again" Now we dont mention it but he hints at wanting another and I think and over think everything to scared to speak in case I get his hopes up and then become scared and back out or, in case we do something stupid and start trying and then I find myself in that dark place again. I keep thinking if we wait long enough and I procrastinate long enough, I will soon be in menopause and too old to do it again...decision made.

I hope I have not waffled too much...I do that a lot. I truly feel for everyone going through that dark place right now but there is a light at the end of it all...the biggest reward ever. I will try to be here to offer support, as there were so many wonderful ladies that gave me support when I needed it and I want to return the favor if i can.

xx

This post has been edited by Luvbngamum: 12/10/2012, 02:06 PM