[misse10]

i feel guilty for even thinking this, but i'm worried i'm not mum material. i always wanted to be a mum & endured many tests, procedures & IVF cycles to get my gorgeous DS, but now i'm not enjoying it at all and am starting to worry i never will.

I know everyone says the first bit is more to be endured than enjoyed, but he's just turned 3 months and i'm not sure when the good bit comes. it feels like i'm just trying to fill hours to get through each day, but as the months go by i'm wondering when/if i'll get to the good bit.

don't get me wrong: i love my little man & would do anything for him, but i'm just so tired of him feeding every 2-3 hours around the clock, only catnapping in the day and grizzling the rest of the time and wanting to be held always (just diagnosed with reflux so we've started Losec this week). I love his smiles & they make my heart melt..but it isn't enough to make this feel ok.

yes, it's probably post-natal depression, but giving it a name doesn't make it feel any better. I'm not going to take medication (done that before) as I think the real problem is i'm sleep deprived and would feel better if i weren't. but maybe not..maybe this is just what being a mum is like and i'm not strong enough to deal with it.

i always imagined having a big family but i can't imagine handling more than just DS as I'm hardly coping with him alone. Everyone said the first 6 weeks were the hardest, then they said really it's 6-8 weeks, then 3 months & now they're saying it gets better at 6 months....so please be honest, does it get better or do you just get used to it??
And does anyone have any tips on how to get through while feeling like you can enjoy it more?

thanks so much for reading.

[fooiesmum]

Can I suggest that you speak to you IVF clinic councillor? There is a lot known about the guilt and the feelings of inability to cope that some IVF mums feel once their bub arrives - know that you are the best mum for your your little one. HTH

[akkiandmalli]

just about to rush out the door...
my DD was just like that and i had worked in childcare for many years before I had her. I thought i knew how to care for babies and it was demeaning when she constantly woke through the night and never slept through the day..
what i do have to offer however is to persevere i remember the turning point was about 4 months when we started solids and she slept better. to be honest now though she is a very active 6 year old and still doesn't sleep much...
i think sometimes too its so hard as you feel isolated and lonely.
keep at it you are doing a great job.
ps my DD has the same birthdate! perhaps something to do with their star signs lol

[Fluster]

Honestly, I found from 4 (years) onwards much, much, much easier. Even a mouthy ten year old is a breeze compared to a baby.

(as you may be able to tell, I wasn't particularly endeared by the baby/toddler stage )

This post has been edited by Fluster: 12/08/2012, 09:46 AM

[bikingbubs]

It really doess get better! I too didnt really enjoy the newborn stage...sure they were cute, but thats about all it did for me! To put it into perspective, when he was about 6 months old we talked about if/when to have another kid (knowing we wanted to have at least 2) and there was no way in hell I was ready to be pregnant, let alone a mum again! But fast forward a couple of months and I was pregnant when DS was 10 months old
I found around 6 months I really started to enjoy it, could be more independant (DS fed every 2 hours during the day until around then) and also he was interacting more, and just more enjoyable in general!!
I prepared myself for the first year to be not much fun, and be pleasantly surprised if it was less than this. I am doing the same with #2, but this time I *know* it does get better!!

[kpingitquiet]

I came out of the blur when she was about 9 months old. I'm now enjoying it MUCH more that she's walking and (sorta!) talking at ~22 months. I hope I enjoy the earlier months more, next time, having learned quite a lot from the first baby.

I think the biggest things that stopped me from enjoying as much as I could've earlier were:

-worrying too much about bfing the ffing then solids. Is she eating enough? too much? growing enough? too much?

-being constantly focused on sleep. I lived my life by countdowns to the next naptime and it killed a lot of the in-between times.

-didn't spend enough time just admiring her. I cuddled her tons, of course, but I didn't let myself really stop, let go mentally, and just enjoy her smallness as much as I could've.

Those are the things I hope to change, next time. I imagine it might make a whopping difference. Good luck!

[mumandboys]

For me, it gets better around 12 months. Once they start to walk, and talk, parenting becomes a whole different game.

OP, maybe you're just not cut out for babies? There's heaps of us who fall into that category.

As for myself: I've always been seen by people around me as "the eternal mother", the one who was meant to have a big family.

I did have a big family, but it hasn't been easy and I constantly worry that I'm not a good mum. I find the dynamics of my situation very difficult, I struggle to find any one on one time with any of my kids, which they all desparately crave pretty much all the time.

At the end of the day, being a mother is hard. You have your good days and your bad ones. In the early days where you are, it's hard to see anything through the haze of sleep deprivation, and the absolute dependence of your baby can be suffocating at times.

The endless songs and playing with playdough and pokemon cards I have found so mindnumbing, it's really tough to hide your extreme boredom sometimes.

Bedwetting, nappies, vomit, whinging, sibling rivalry and constant squabbling, these are all parts of parenting that make me regularly wonder, "what have I done?"

But as they get older, my relationship with them is becoming more intellectual, and I might be starting to find my niche in terms of what sort of mothering I'm good at. I like ironing their school clothes, packing lunches, supervising homework, attending school performances, helping out with reading groups and generally being part of their school life. I like having chats with them, answering their questions, helping them learn about the world and themselves.

You will find that some ages are hard, and some are easy. Some are boring, some are fun. I'm not great at the baby stage, and I know there are alot of us out there.

Hang in there OP, you'll find your feet. And definitely reserve your judgement till you've had a few good nights' sleep. Trust me, it makes all the difference.

[Sunny003]

Firstly, it sounds like you could do with a break! Can you organise someone to watch DS while you take a walk, have a hot shower or nap? Even just half an hour can clear your head.

When our DS1 was that little, DH & I had one night of each, every week. We may not go out, or do anything more than a bubble bath, but knowing I/he didn't have to re-settle, feed (I'd express for DH) etc was such a huge relief! It was only a few hours, usually 7-10ish.

I'll be totally honest with you. I find newborns easy. They cry, I pop a boob in. That said, by the 6 month mark, I'm going bonkers Most parents I've spoken to are the opposite! Find newborns hard, draining, tiring. But once they're a bit older (& it's different for everybody) things settle down.

What fun things do you do with your DS? Would a walk in the pram suit you? Or a warm bath together? Cuddling up in bed & forgetting about life for a while?
Maybe for you, getting out of the house can help? Visit someone who loves babies & cuddles and you can drink your coffee while it's hot.

And no it won't always be like this. It won't necessarily get easier, it gets different. So feeds lengthen out, but then comes solids, or teething etc All which might be a breeze for you.

Now if you do feel you have PND, please speak to your GP/care provider. You don't have to take meds, but sometimes just speaking about it can help, & s/he can keep an eye on you so you don't fall off the radar

[Flaxen]

I felt exactly the same as you.

It does get better, as i found, when you get more sleep. When my DD started sleeping for longer periods during the night, i felt like a new person. Sleep deprivation is the worst, and im sure its whats making you feel this way. I felt i wasnt mum material myself, and it was simply as i didnt feel even "human" without my sleep.

It does get better, for some this is 3mths, or 5 months like me. My DD slept thought the night from 5 months to just on 2 weeks ago (17mths) when she started waking again. So i am tired again, and memories of Newborn weeks are coming back.


It does get better

[cinnabubble]

I'm not sure why people expect to "enjoy" tiny babies. I found that if you stop having an expectation of enjoyment, it becomes easier.

For me, between four months and mobility is the golden baby time. I spent the first three months of my children's lives convinced that I'd ruined mine. Then they got fun and have been fun (and frustrating and exhausting and annoying and perplexing etc) ever since.

I know it doesn't feel like it now, but this stage doesn't last forever and you will find your groove.