[reebs]

Hi Ladies,
Firstly, thankyou for reading this. Just wondering if you might have some advice or answers for our family.
I have a cousin who found out Friday that her 38 week baby had died. I can't fathom the grief. She had apparently felt the baby's movements slow over the period of 3 days, but was told this was normal at the end of the preganacy. I'm devestated for her. She was having a much wanted and longed for girl.
She was offered to be induced on Saturday, after finding out baby had passed away, but declined and went home and, obviously, cried all weekend.
Today she had the gel to induce, but again, was sent home as she did not progress. She has been asked to come back tomorrow.
I want to know is this normal - to be sent home again - on Day 4? She is crying non stop - and I can't imagine the grief. I would have thought that the medical professionals would step in and encourage / council her through the process? Surely the prolonging of this part of the grief can't be helpful, nor I imagine be healthy both mentally and physically? She is public not private in a country town. Is this a case of poor medical intervention or is this normal and quite ok, in terms of being healthy for mum. What can I suggest to her mother for when she does give birth, does she take photos? Will she automatically get councilling? Will she be given time with her baby?
The father and her are not together and he wants an autopsy, but she doesn't. What are the legalities of this?
She has a 10 year old son, who they haven't told. As an teacher, I know that 10 year olds are very very cluey and perceptive. He must know something is dreadfully wrong. What steps should we be taking for him emotionally?
Will she have to have a full funeral? Will baby be recognised legally ( I am assuming so, but just seeking clarification)
Thankyou for anyone who has the time and energy to answer the questions. I am most appreciative and apologise in advance if I have offended in anyway with my questions.

[~BoysRus~]

oh im so sorry for your friend....very sad news
Not sure abt still births but my sister had the drip to help contractions for 1 day and it didnt do alot so they stopped it at 5pm and was going to start it again the next day...Apparfently they only like to keep you on it for 6/8hrs.

[shelbysmum]

I'm so sorry for your cousin- it is indeed an awful place to be, to be losing a much loved baby.

Please encourage your cousin to spend time with her baby girl once she is born and to have pictures taken. Although difficult it is important to have some time together and to create some memories. You can contact Heartfelt who are a fabulous organisation that photograph SB babies, staffed by volunteers.

In terms of the induction I can only reflect on my experience, I was induced at 35 weeks and they were not going to let me go home until I had my son, in my case it did not take a long time. For your cousin perhaps it is to do with the fact it is a small country hospital? Is there any way she could be transferred to a larger city hospital where perhaps they could manage her better (and more sensitively).

AT 38 weeks her baby will be given a birth certificate, it will state SB so no death certificate is issued. She can access counselling via Sids and Kids as well as a number of other organisations. She can also get a mental health plan from her GP to have 10 subsidised sessions of psychology. She will also be entitled to the baby bonus or PPL which can be used to pay for expenses/counselling. There are also services specifically designed for grieving children as this can be very tough for them too.

As for the autopsy they are a choice to be made, I am not sure of the legalities if there is a dispute between parents- perhaps someone with some legal knowledge can advise there.

There are lots of support groups both on EB and Facebook that can provide support to your cousin in the months that follow. She will certainly need the love and support of family and friends for herself, her son and her baby girl.

It is a tough journey, please feel free to PM me if you need any more detailed info for your family xxxx

EFS

This post has been edited by shelbysmum: 06/08/2012, 08:53 PM

[KHK]

So sorry for your families loss. We lost our DS1 at 38 weeks, I will try and answer some questions that I can and hope that someone else can answer the others.

I was induced (gel and tablets) the next day by our choice, and sent home but was required to return to the hospital later that day to see how things were progressing. I was a private patient and only allowed to leave to due private midwife support (arranged after finding out). I then got an infection which is common if the baby has passed and not delivered for a few days so was not allowed to leave.

I did not receive any counselling during the process of having Kobi but was offered support afterwards. To be honest most support was organised by my family and friends. We used SANDS and Sids and Kids, you can contact them for support now.

We took photos, the hospital did a memorial book with foot and hand prints, lock of hair, name bands, we got a blanket and teddy. He was bathed and dressed, we got to spend as much time with him as we wanted including the following days. We took photos had him christened and our family came to see him. There are lots of other things you can do as well and I am sure people will respond with other info.

Yes the baby is legally recognised, with births, deaths and marriages and arrangements for the baby will need to be made in regards to burial etc arrangements. These are managed privately and any service/funeral etc is her choice and decision to make.

We decided to have a limited autopsy to look at only specific issues which were relevant not a full one, this was guided by our Ob for future management of pregnancies.

I am sorry I have tried to keep this informative as you have asked a lot of questions and I am sure you will get many responses to go through.

I wish her and your family strength during this time as it is an extremely difficult thing to go through.

[bubbletreemum]

so sorry for her lost.....

I am not sure about the pro long labour, as my labour progressed fairly quick.

As for photo, you can call HeartFelt (http://www.heartfelt.org.au/) who does photos in situation such as this. You can call them for her, let them know when the labour going to be, and get your cousin to notify the midwife to call them again after she has the baby so that they can get in as soon as they can. The hospital will give your cousin information as to who she can call for counselling. Sands Australia is a good one. There's also Bear of Hope, or SIDS.

After she gives birth, she should be given as much time as she would like to spend with the baby. At mine I was even asked if I wanted to take my baby home. The hospital will also give her information on funeral arrangement and autopsy. She will have to arrange a funeral herself. Our hospital recommended a funeral home which I took up immediately. I ddin't think I was in the mood to shop around for the best funeral home. It turned out great though. As with autopsy, there's no legal requirement that she must do it, but it's good to find out what the cause of death is, to see if there's any genetic reason to it etc. It's especially useful for future pregnancy planning. She might not want to know it now, but she might want to know in the future. Many do not like the idea as they dont want the baby to go through the process to be 'operated' on. They do however do a very good job in preserving the body. Our boy was done up very nicely and we gotten some very good photos taken. It only takes one day to take the tissue sample for the test, and the body will be returned to the funeral as soon as they are done.

Not sure how to deal with the older kid as my daughter is only 2 years old and she knows little what was going on.

I am sorry for her. This is a very difficult and yet sensitive time. You are a great cousin to her. I appreciated the help that we get from all our friends. We received cards, meals, memorial gift to honour the baby.

Does she have a mothers group?

She can always post here whenever she's ready....


xx

[reebs]

Thankyou ladies - so much advice.
I will get on to the different organisations tomorrow.
I am so sorry for your loss too. Your angels are in my prayers tonight.
Thank you Thank you Thankyou.

Edited because of my terrible spelling.

This post has been edited by reebs: 06/08/2012, 09:35 PM

[rubylilysmum]

I am so sorry your cousin is going through this heartache.

Most of your questions are answers through the other posts, one thing about the birth is since the baby isn't alive the birth will possibily be longer since the baby cannot help push herself out.
Also since the baby has already passed, other live births are a priority generally, I know my inducement was pushed back due to the labour ward being busy.

I would advise her to be as open and honest to her son, it's the hardest things I have done telling our living children their siblings have passed away but it's something he needs to know and be involved in.
from my expereince of 10 year old son at the time initianlly but 1 week later he cracked and got very angry, I let me take out his fustrations on me.

She will have a birth certificate and I also recieved death certificates for my daughters and the baby has to be cremated or buried, whatever your cousin is comfortable withincluding a funeral, memorial or nothing. We had a funeral each so out children had some memories of their sisters.

[reebs]

Hi Ladies,
Details are sketchy but she gave birth to Eden at midnight last night.
Thanks again for all your help. I have told mum, who will speak to her mum about the photos, baby bonus, tabs for milk and Gp referral.
Thanks again.

[joy6328]

There are no words to share my sympathy

There is an amazing page on Facebook called Heartfelt and they do beautiful photos and memories for families like this.

Please have a look - it may be just what they need?

x

[ally0812]

no advice sorry, just wanted to pass on my prayers and let you know how terribly sad i am for your family and hers, no words can help now but we are thinking of you all xx