[zoelicious]

Hey There Ladies

This is a bit of a vent, want to know what your thoughts are, am I being selfish, a jealous cow, or am I just being normal.

How would you feel two best friends doing ivf, one falls pregnant and the other doesn't? The latter being me! Your best friend gets it on the first go and you have been going at it for years with transfer after transfer after transfer.

Am finding it really difficult to see my friend, i am hurting, i dont want to know about her symptoms, i dont want to know how happy she is, i just think its plain unfair. Im not angry at her, im just sad for me. Why couldnt that be me?

Is it really just pure luck that someone gets it on the first go? Is it pure luck that i have had another friend that also has fallen pregnant on the first go and then 2nd with identical twins. Am i destined to befriend ivfers to fall pregnant around me? Whats with that?

Ive told her how i feel and i have just said i need to be alone for a while, would she really know how i feel considering she only did ivf ONCE? Would she really know how im feeling?

Your thoughts please, not only did i get a BFN but im losing a friend. I hate you infertility, i really do!

Happy Easter by the way xx

[domestically~cha...]

Great news for her. Just another reminder that it sucks to be you

I was up to failed transfer #7 when SIL did her #1 transfer and got it first go. It sucked.

[.MrsM.]

i think you're feeling are understandable. i know that i get very upset when friends (pretty much all of them) have announced their pregnancies. i have distanced myself from a lot of them, not even knowing that im doing it sometimes. it really is hard to be around pregnant people/babies for me.

i still love my friends and wish them well, but i am definitely jealous. i swing between being understanding and quite bitter about eveything.

i haven't had ivf (and am hoping i don't get to that point). i could understand your pain of wanting a baby, but not the full extent of what you had been through. don't be too hard on yourself for these feeling towards your friend. if she's a friend, she'll understand hopefully. my good friends have.

[cheshire_cat]

zoe, I totally empathise. Your feelings are totally normal.


This is maybe a bit controversial to admit, but I honestly do think there's a big difference in the experiences & attitudes of someone who does one IVF transfer & gets pregnant immediately, and someone else who has to undergo multiple cycles over a number of years.

Of course this isn't a competition over 'whose experience is worse', but I have found people who've done one cycle & had success do tend to be a lot more positive & upbeat about IVF, eg 'it's not that bad' and even another pearler that I read here on EB: 'IVF is an amazing journey' .

My opinion is that she'll have a lot more insight into what you're going through than your average punter on the street, but no, she won't understand what it's like to go through multiple cycles. It's one of those things you don't 'get' until you've had to experience it.

I think you've made the right move in taking a bit of space if that's what you need. Hopefully she'll have the sensitivity to see that it's not about her.

All the best of luck for wherever you are in your cycle xxx

[fozzymum]

Completely understandable reaction and I would be surprised if anyone who has done multiple IVFs didn't feel the same way.

I feel like I've has so many friendships damaged by my infertility journey - distancing myself from pregnant friends, not calling people because I don't want them to ask me when I'm having a baby and then not wanting to call them some more because if I call out of the blue they'll assume I'm calling to say I'm pregnant... for me its a vicious cycle.

I now joke that if you want to get pregnant, befriend me to become your IVF buddy. It seems like someone just has to come to me for comfort about their inability to fall pregnant and then lo and behold, they're pregnant and I'm still not!

DH and I became an insular unit for much of our first TTC journey, and now that we're back in the world of infertility its starting to become that way again. Not so much what he needs, but its the way I protect myself from the pain of not getting what seems to come so much more easily to the people around me.

[Lokum]

Normal, and in pain.

Anger masks fear, and bitternes masks pain - isn't that what IVF counsellors say? In my case, bitterness didn't even do that good a job of masking the pain. I hung up on someone who was telling me she was pregnant. Mid phone call. And didn't call back for ages. (She was shocked, but forgave me readily when I chose to re-join normal society.)

Your friend might not actually understand, but she would probably try. For the sake of self preservation, I don't think it's wrong of you to withdraw. Or to be honest and say you're not up to hearing about it.

At some other point in your lives you can be there for her.


Cheshire - I suspect you're right. I did 5 x failed, medicated IUI, but I always felt like I had IVF as a backup, as the next step. So although it was awful and hard and damaged our marriage, I dont think it was the same as 5 x failed IVF transfers. Having had success on the first IVF transfer, I don't think I am an IVF veteran in the same way as the OP.

A few posts in recent weeks have really hit home for me about the difference.

Reason for edit: Removed ticker

[Wishing2011]

Totally normal.. I am also experiencing it but from a different angle.. I've been TTC for ages, was about to start IVF but fell pg naturally the month before we were about to start IVF. YAY for us.. However at 7.5 weeks I miscarried during the miscarriage SIL and BIL turn up late one night and tell us they are 5 weeks pregnant.. I just burst into tears. So we had to tell them.
I'm getting better now.. I would almost be 10 weeks now so its still recent. SIL emails me telling me of her new symptoms.. I have found it hard to see her sometimes. Not because I'm not happy for her but because WE WERE due around the same time. And now she is going through where I should be and its hard to watch.. I am getting better though but I just wanted to let you know.. I am feeling similar feelings. Happy for her but so so sad for me.. Especially since they havent been trying long at all and we were just about to start IVF ..

This post has been edited by Wishing2011: 08/04/2012, 08:52 PM

[specialone]

Hi,

Oh, yes its hard. It's an unfortunate painful reminder of your inability to get pregnant.

I try to be postive though for the other friend etc... especially if it is their first child as pregancy, birth, newborn etc can be a daunting (as well as exciting) experience.

I am going to a baby shower in a week or so. Having just had a disastrous IVF cycle I am not feeling particularly happy when it comes to thoughts of pregnancy etc.

Will just have to suck it up I guess. If I am in the right mood I can feel very happy for my friend as its nice to see someone getting pregnant - not everyone has to go through this tough long process when TTC.

There are plenty of us here in the TTC for many years category... you are not alone. People who have been TTC for quite a long time don't tend to announce it.... So whilst it may seems at times that everyone you know is falling pregnant easily and naturally (or through IVF first time) .. its not really the case.

It is hard when a best friend, someone really close falls pregnant... My sister in law announced her pregnancy shortly after i had a MC (after TTC for over a year) .... I had tears in my eyes when she made the announcement (she had a family gathering to do so) but thought "how can I be crying at someone elses wonderful news"? I managed to pull myself together but on the way home in the car had a bit of a cry, and felt much better after that. Sometimes its good to just let it all out... then hopefully feel better later!

Infertility causes so many problems... lets hope it doesn't lose friends as well.

Good luck xx

[libbylu]

None of my close friends have had problems with fertility. Since I have been trying to get pregnant, my best friend (we decided to start TTC at the same time and now her DD is 18 months) and both my SILs have fallen pregnant with no issues, not to mention a gazillion other friends. One SIL even fell pregnant accidentally. None of them understand. It was very hard to hear all their news, though I actually found it easier when their babies were born, as I love their little bubbas. I find the pregnancy stage the hardest to deal with and have really been avoiding my currently pregnant SIL. I totally cracked it when DH told me that BIL asked if we had any baby stuff we wanted to lend them. How insensitive. They know how hard we have been struggling and don't they know that I WILL FALL PREGNANT ANY DAY NOW and need all my baby stuff myself!!!!!

[leebec]

Zoe - totally and utterly understand how you feel and I am in the same place at the moment. One of my best friends did IVF in January after putting it off for over 8 months and whinging and moaning at me those entire 8 months about not being pregnant blah blah and then bang first go she gets it and I knew that would happen, she then proceeds to tell me she is so sad that it is her and not me and that it should be me.....ummmm that is about the most condescending thing I have ever heard because she did IVF to be pregnant so why would you want it to be someone else. Also during my 4th failed transfer I find out my other friend is pregnant with her 3rd.....then a girl at work is doing IVF and of course she is due to have her bloods this week and of course it is going to work first go because I am the only person who is going to have to spend the equivalent of a 3rd world countries deficit to get pregnant and then its not even guaranteed i will.

I have cut myself off from a lot of my friends and will only see and deal with them on my own terms. Wont go to baby showers, wont go see new babies, dont even ask me to. I dont want to hear about pregnancies and to be honest I dont even want to see you why your pregnant.

None of my friends understand even the one who did IVF has no idea. A friend of DH's will be doing IVF after their honeymoon and I know that they will get it first go as well but according to all DH friends they have it so much worse off then us as they have been trying for a whole 2 months longer than us, but they only saw a dr for the first time November last year....in that time we have had a miscarriage, 6 failed OI cycles, 2 failed fresh cycles & 2 failed FETs and I get told to my face that is nothing compared to them, what the????????????