[GingerTea]

I didnt ever expect i would be posting my birth experience in the traumatic and disappointing birth experiences forum. But the birth of my first baby - a boy, was exactly that. Ill start from the beginning.....

I had a trouble free pregnancy - other than the usual morning sickness etc, i was happy, healthy and feeling well right up to 40+2 which is when i went into labor. I had done a lot of research prior to the labor, and was confident that i would have a natural labor with minimal intevention. I was confident in my body and its ability to birth a baby and was actually looking forward to the labor.

Things weren't what i expected right from the get go. Contractions started at 12 midnight and there was no mistaking it - strong, regular contractions. I woke my husband up and told him i was pretty sure i was in labor (he actually went back to sleep!!) An hour later at 1am I had a shower and packed my hospital bag. The contractions were beginning to really hurt by now - What happened to gradual pre-labor??? All the books said "try and distract yourself by going out to dinner or watching a movie" but I was already using the majority of my natural pain management resources - stomping feet, hitting stress balls together and vocalising. There was no time to be excited - it was all happening! I was thinking to myself "how am i going to be able to do this for a whole day" (assuming it would be a long labor because it was my first). By 4am I was feeling nauseated and dizzy with contractions regular at 3 minutes lasting about 45-60 seconds. Id only been in labor for 4 hours and I was already on my way to the hospital!!!!!

Once we arrived at the hospital I was put onto the monitor as is standard procedure. It was revealed the babys heart rate was dropping each time i had contraction, so I had to remain in bed connected to the monitor. This was a massive blow for me, because i had planned on relying on active labor techniques (staying upright and moving around, leg stomping, fit ball, shower and bath as my major pain relief techniques). I had to adapt, so I started thrashing my legs in the bed with each contraction and continued to use vocalising (making loud ahhhhhhing noises) to work through the pain.

At around 5am the midwife said she had called the on call Obstetrician because she was concerned about the babies heart rate dropping (or as i later found out - completely stopping) during my contractions. The Obstetrician wanted to do an emergency C-section, but because it was 5am we had to wait for the Anesthetist and Obstetrician to be called in. In the mean time, they started prepping me for surgery and told me they were planning to do a general anaesthetic rather than a spinal - Im assuming this was because it would be a faster option to get the baby out in a hurry.

By 7am i was still on the theatre trolley ready to go but waiting for the Obstetrician to arrive - where was she???????? - the pain was beyond belief but i didnt bother asking for any pain relief because i was nauseated and vomiting (so knew gas wouldnt be a good option and didnt want to consider Pethidine or epidural) and I was thinking i would be going in for the C-section any minute. I continued with my vocalisation and leg thrashing in bed. The midwife did another internal and said I was 10 cm and could push if i felt the desire. A few minutes later the desire to push came and this coincided with the Obstetricians arrival (did she get lost??). The Obstetrician declaired there was no time for the C-Section and that the baby needed to be out NOW. By now the delivery suite was filled with people who were all a little panniky - as i can remember: 2 pediatricians, one regular doctor, the obstetrician, and at least 3 or 4 midwives. And my poor, poor husband, standing there in his theatre scrubs watching all the drama unfold.

They told me i needed a forceps delivery. I nodded, i was completely out of it with pain and vomiting - i felt like my body was completely out of control. My legs were put up in stirrups and i was given local anesthetic for the episotomy (this really hurt!!).

What happened next i dont think i will ever EVER forget. They pulled that baby out of me and i screamed like an animal. The pain and the sensation was horrific. I will never forget that involuntary noise that came out of me. (This is making me weep, just writing it down). I had no pain relief (other than the local for the episotomy) - there was no time for any. There really are no words to explain the horror of it. When the baby came out it was almost black it was so dark blue with oxygen deprivation! They took the baby straight away to be assessed. I can remember hearing grunting noises, but no cry.

Then they told us the baby was small - really small. "Were you expecting a small baby?" No - i was full term! He was just 2.2 kg (5lb 1oz). He was taken straight to the special care nursery while i was stitched up and cleaned up. I felt like id been hit by a truck. I was in so much shock. Where was the joy? Where was that wonderful moment when they put the baby on your chest and you look into its eyes for the first time? Where was my first breastfeed?

A couple of hours later when i was well enough, we were taken to the special care nursery to see him. I felt nothing. I was numb. My little baby was in an isolette receiving oxygen, hooked up to a drip and with a naso-gastric tube in his nose. At least he was pink now. His eyes were wide open and he looked just like his dad. But still, i felt nothing. That is except the excruciating pain of the episiotomy. Why doesnt anyone tell you about the 'afterwards' pain of childbirth. I was so sore i could hardly walk. Standing was awful. Sitting was worse.

My little one had had a hard time during the delivery too. He had inhaled and swallowed meconium. He had had a chest x-ray and IV antibiotics and was being fed formula through his naso-gastric tube (all of which we had consented to in the after delivery haze). His blood sugar was very low, his oxygen levels were low and he was having trouble maintaining his temperature.

I was taken back to the ward to sleep, but i was put in a double room with another girl who had had her baby a couple of hours after me. She was feeling great and had a heap of visitors over who were all fussing over her new baby. I felt so sad - why couldnt i have my baby next to me? That night at about 9.30 the hospital fire alarm went off. They called a 'Code Red' somewhere else within the hospital and all of the smoke doors immediately shut (as a fire prevention). I could hear the sirens from the fire trucks in the distance. I was sitting there on my bed and my baby was somewhere else in the hospital - i felt sick. I tried to get out of bed, but the midwives were running around in a flurry and told me to get back to bed and i was assured that the 'code red' was in another part of the hospital not connected directly to where we were. It was over an hour before the fire alarm was cleared and i could go and see my baby. I was allowed to cuddle him for the first time, but i think i was still in shock.

I was discharged after my second night on the ward, but DS was still in the nursery. I was in so much pain and hadnt been able to breastfeed yet so my milk hadnt come in. The midwives on the ward had attempted hand expressing, but this had left my breasts black and blue with bruises - generally for less than 0.5ml of colostrum each time. I felt so awful that i wasnt able to give my baby any of this all important milk. We were off to a crummy start already!

We spent the next 8 days travelling back and forth to the hospital to visit him. He was out of the isolette by now and was medically fine except for the fact that he was so physically exhausted from the labor he was too tired to feed. He was receiving formula still via his tube, with the occasional bottle feed. I still didnt have any milk despite frequent expressing. The days were long and mostly spent sitting - in the car on the way too and from and then at the nursery. The pain from the episotomy was so awful - the sitting was excruciating! A week after the birth the pain was getting worse, not better. I went to see my GP only to be told the episotomy was infected. So, oral antibiotics for me.

After 8 days in the nursery DS was able to come home but i didnt feel excited, instead i felt dread and fear - how could i look after this little thing!!! He weighed 2.3kg by this time. We were feeding him formula from a bottle (with some EBM, but not very much). The hospital midwives came to do a home visit 2 days after discharge and he had only put on 8g, if he hadnt put on more weight in another 2 days he would have to go back to the hospital. We engaged the help of a wonderful lactation consultant. I was diagnosed with nipple vasospasm (a painful condition of the nipples which was making any attempt at breastfeeding a very awful experience) and also told i had flat nipples which was making attachment with such a small baby very difficult. I was prescribed Motilium to get the milk happening and given a nipple shield to help with attachment. Both made a big improvement, but feeding was still very painful due to the vasospasm.

My episotomy infection improved but just when i thought everything was on the up and up i developed an anal fissure (a tear in the anus), and every time i went to the toilet to do a poo it would tear and bleed and i would be in tears. Back to the GP again.

So here we are, 6 weeks down the track and despite the hurdles i think we are doing ok. He is exclusively breast feeding now which is wonderful (except for the continued vasospasm pain) and he is putting on weight - now 3.5kg! They never did find out why he was such a tiny baby. Bonding has been a very slow process - i think i probably have some post traumatic stress. Writing this down has been hard, but i think its helped. Nothing turned out like i had imagined. One thing i do know is that i couldnt have gotten through any of this without the support of my AMAZING husband. He didnt skip a beat through the labour and has supported me throughout every step of the way. I would also like to mention that i believe the care i received in the hospital setting was fantastic. I truly believe they made all the right decisions on the day and the care my son received in the nursery was of a very high standard. I was very grateful for the decision to engage the help of a private lactation consultant (even though we couldnt really afford it!) and get on to my milk production and feeding issues relatively early - it is because of her we are even breast feeding at all.

At the end of the day, i have a beautiful, happy, smiling baby boy and i love him. I have healed physically, but i think mentally it will take a little longer. Thanks for reading - i appreciate the opportunity to be able to anonymously vent like this.

This post has been edited by GingerTea: 16/03/2012, 01:30 PM

[Steggles]

Oh goodness gracious, you poor thing I'm sorry you had such a hard time! Glad to hear you are doing well now!

[Bart.]

Gracious! What an arrival for your baby!

I couldn't help but think what would have happened had you not had that medical help around you as well, considering he came out in such distress. I developed a fissure after birth too and seven months on, it's still giving me grief (probably not what you want to hear).

Am really glad to hear the breastfeeding is going well despite the rocky start.

A big welcome to your little man and all the best to your family of three.

[Guest_Buy Me A Pony !_*]

I'm sorry you had such a difficult time but I was feeling relieved by the time I got toward the end of your OP. Such great news about the weight gain and hopefully you both get much much better soon.

[LouwithTwo]

Well, you got me teary too!

I feel sorry you had to go through such a trying time, but at least now you can focus on the beautiful, little end result - your boy!!! I hope you remember that although labour and birth are a big deal, they are one day (or I guess 6 trying weeks in your case) in the life of your child. No matter what motherhood throws at you now I bet you'll be fine!!!!!!!!!

Sending hugs!!!

[missj]

Ginger Tea, you poor thing That sounds absolutely horrific and I'm sorry you had to go through that! I had goosebumps reading your post.

So glad to hear that your little man is doing so well 6 weeks on - I hope things just get better and better for you both from now on.

[Hunch]

OP, Congratulations. So well written and although you've described it as a horrible experience, reading that story to the end really felt like you and your baby did triumph. I hope you get to see it like that one day too.

I think a lot of parenting is beyond our control (that's how I often feel anyway!). Guess it started very early for you. Glad to hear you are doing better. It took me a while to bond with both my children too, I think it's pretty normal. Oh, and I was a small baby - 3rd child and also a 5 pounder..No reason why as far as I know. Sadly, now I have to watch every mouthful I eat...

Enjoy this very special time and take care.

[jo-v]

Oh honey, I couldn't read and not reply. What an awful experience. I'm not an expert but I think that maybe grieving for the birth experience you wanted and never had is completely fine and doesn't mean you don't care for your little fighter.

I tore with my second birth (episiotomy with first) and it took them an hour to stitch me up, I also had no pain relief and that hour was the worst of my life! I was sobbing and begging her to leave me alone. Nowhere near as bad as what you went through but I don't think people realise the "afterwards" can be as bad as the actual birth!

I hope one day you can look back and see the positives in that you both came out of it ok, maybe you should look into some counselling?

Good luck with your little man.

[tick]

That sounds like a really difficult experience OP, I'm sorry you and your baby had to go through it all. Even though things are improving, it's ok to feel bad about the birth and get some help to deal with it if you need to. There are counsellors and support groups and the like that deal with this very thing.

[dolcengabbana]

Ginger Tea

Your very honest birth story had tears in my eyes.

I had an anal fissure too and for so long would cry and sob and at times scream out in pain when toileting. It does get so much better eventually.

Hang in there x