[daviesjv]

Our oldest (of three) started school last year (prep). We sent him to a small private school which is fairly local to where we live. The school grounds and facilities are great, the teachers are pleasant (most of them) and the kids and parents seem nice, but our son really hated being there. He didn’t seem to make many friends, didn’t seem to click with his teacher and every morning didn’t want to go to school.

There’s only three weeks now until school goes back for grade one and as it gets closer he is panicking. He’s crying, saying he doesn’t want to go back, that he hates it and why can’t he go to the local school? (Some of our neighbours who he plays with are at the local state school). He’s even wet the bed a couple of times, which he does when he’s stressed. I don’t know what to do.

DH reckons that’s fine, that if he wants to go to the public school he can, but I’m resisting the idea. Not that the state school is bad, but I think that he’d get a better education at the private school. And just because he had one bad year doesn’t mean that he wouldn’t enjoy this year. We’ve already paid our deposit for this year, bought the books, etc. And then I worry about the other two and whether it will ruin their chances of going private if we pull our oldest son out.

I want him to be happy, but I don’t want to react too quickly. Is it worth persevering with the private school that I really like –but which he doesn’t? Any advice would be appreciated.

Worried Mum

Hi WM. It’s tricky, isn’t it, because we hate seeing our kids upset. To help you out I have asked Dr John Irvine who is a child psychologist, print and TV regular and author of books including “Thriving at School” , for some advice.

“There are a number of issues to consider here,” he says. “If we were talking about a preschooler being unhappy in their care situation then I would be recommending that they move to another centre. However it is not so easy with a school-age child. For a school-age child, changing schools should really be seen as a last resort. It may be better to stay and work through the issues that that child has, otherwise you may simply be moving the problems from one school to another.”

And Dr Irvine emphasises the importance of understanding what the problem actually is. Is it a bullying issue? Or a separation anxiety issue? Is your son having trouble keeping up academically with the class, or did he have trouble understanding what his teacher was asking of him? Or something else entirely? Any of these things can affect your son’s confidence, self esteem and enjoyment of the school year. But unless you can pinpoint what is causing your son’s anxiety it will be difficult for you to help your son overcome the issue.

“I would be suggesting that the parents take a “new year – new class” approach with their son,” says Dr Irvine. “Perhaps make a visit to the doctor between now and the start of school for a medical check up in case there are any sight, hearing or other problems than need to be investigated. If the problem is purely social then perhaps write a nice little card to this year’s teacher, mentioning the social issues that their son had last year and his reluctance to return and ask the teacher to observe their son for the first few weeks and follow up with them on any areas where they (the parents) could provide support. The teacher may also be able to implement some strategies, such as a buddy system, if you make her aware of the issue.”

WM, Dr Irvine also stressed that one of the most important things that parents can do is to be involved with the school: tuckshop, reading, helping at sport days and so forth. You didn’t mention what level of involvement you have with your son’s school, and I know that it can be difficult with two younger ones to find the time to volunteer in the classroom, but it would most certainly be a worthwhile thing to do. And whatever decision you end up making, best of luck!

EB Members: What is your advice for “Worried Mum”?

[Abigailz]

I would make a deal. Tell him to try the private school for the first half of the year and if things have still not improved then you will look at sending him to the state school. This will stop him from being stressed and he may relax enough to enjoy school again? Private or State- at Primary level it really doesn't matter in the end. Your child's emotional well being is far more important. He can always go private for secondary.

[twotofour]

Hi Our story is similar to yours .Our son started prep at a private school as we believed it would be the best option for him.We noticed he was not happy right from the start .He is a very happy friendly child that normally makes friends easily yet he was struggling to click with anyone.The teacher was lovely but also didn't seem to make my child happy even though she was highly sought after .I was seeing a rapid down turn in my sons enthusiasm for school and his placid behaviour was rapidly changing.We made ,as a family tha hardest descision to change schools mid term,this is what our son wanted even though he realised he would know no one at his new school.We made the change and on the first day as DS was being taken into class he started to well up and two boys came to him and said "do you want to come and play with us?" it was a turning point for my boy and has never looked back.He has done well in all areas of his prep year and cant wait to start grade one.I believe playing an active role in a childs education to be very important but I now also rate their happiness with their environment of the same importance.We love our local State School and all of our children will hopefully be as happy there as DS.

[Ducky*Fuzz]

Let him go to public school. He will get just as good an education from there as your private school.

My friend was like this, sacrificed everything - including decent food to afford the fees. She wanted the "prestige" of sending her child to a private school - not that it was exclusive or anything.

When her son changed school and went to a public school (to get away from a bad child), he absolutely flourished. He made some new friends and did really well academically.

[PeterR]

"Small private school" is code for religious school. It's probably poorly funded, has limited curriculum and resources, and lacking in non academic programmes such as sport and music.

I wonder what your aversion to a public school really is. I've been through this recently in my family and suspect you won't easily be swayed. You should think carefully about why you think a small private school is going to be a better education than a public school. Private schools don't have some magic knowledge that is lacking in public schools. The larger number of children at a public school means your son can make friends naturally with children he feels comfortable with and the extra programmes available means he can discover what it is he enjoys.

If you are worried about morality then why? Good morals comes from the family and isolating your child from bad influences is just going to make him a social outcast. If your family has some belief that means you are going to deny your child opportunities that others have then maybe you should let your child make these decisions himself when he is an adult - not make them for him.

This post has been edited by PeterR: 13/01/2010, 02:14 PM

[Carrose]

Sorry, but I hate the idea of private schools, especially when they are all based around religion. My BF thinks she is so high and mighty because she'll be sending her son to a (now, you must put a plum your mouth when you say this) *PRIVATE SCHOOL* thus making him better educated and better behaved than all the kids who go to a (remove plum) public school.
I say send your son to the public school, if he already has friends there and if he doesn't want to go to the private one so be it. Get off your high horse.

[opethmum]

Hi There,

Public schools are not bad, they are perfectly adequate and often provide similar academic results in the area you are currently situated. I know you have invested a lot of energy and money in the school and paid the deposit and everything like that but surely your son is worth more than that. You are not a bad parent by all means it is hard to see the ones we love being hurt and downtrodden.

This one bad year that your son has endured will probably most likely continue, the school has clearly let down your son in not providing you with the solutions your son needs. The people who have bullied him will most likely continue because kids will be kids and they will not change overnight some of them will be most likely placed in your sons class this year.

Your other children will most likely will not be affected in future enrollment proceedings should you wish for them to go there. If your son has more friends who attend the local primary school and accept him for who he is I would surround him with them, he would have a far better year this year.

You should not waste your hard earned money for a school that is clearly not providing for your sons emotional well being . You should not waste your time and energy for a school that will not clearly help your son socially or academically. Nor should you volunteer just to apease them and keep up with the Jones' especially since you have younger kids and may find childcare difficult to come by when it is your turn.

I am not anti private school but I am concerned with schools out there who happily take your money and provide little in return.

By all means do a try and see for awhile but if he still comes home sad and angry and the school does not address your concerns adequately I guess you have your answer.

Good Luck, All the best.

[Teak100]

If I was in your shoes I would let my son go to the state school. Primary school should be enjoyable. If your son is happy he'll do better at school. The other alternative that's been suggested is a good fall back if you really don't want to do that, tell him to give it 6 months and if he's still not happy you'll let him change.

I went from a state primary school to an all girls secondary school and was miserable. I had no friends, my teachers were seemingly unfriendly and everything seemed so foreign. My parents told me to give it 6 months and if I was still unhappy they would let me go to the public school...I ended up thinking it was ok and completed my schooling there. Which, I'm pleased I did. But your son is so young so keep in mind that he really won't get left behind if he's in a public school for primary.

On a personal note, I found at my private school that the girls who had come through from prep were very insular and clicky, and those who had come through from public primary schools were much friendlier and adjusted - we were not disadvantaged academically either.

Good luck with what ever you decide. I hope your son has a happier year.

[amyk81]

Go for the public school, especially for primary school. Stdents who would do well anyway will do so at either school. If you like the smaller teacher to student ratio or something like that, consider making your son happier by letting him go to the public school and use your considerable savings for a tutor should you feel he needs it. Remember, private school students may get good academic results at high school, but not perform so well at uni when they have to do more of the work themselves, so the public school may be beneficial.
When you say you like the resources of the small private school, have you compared the resources of the public school? Some are quite well set up.

[jkmt]

Another option might be to see whether your child can visit the public school for a day or two to 'try out' the experience before you make a decision. This reflects my experience many years ago, when I was moved from a public school to a private school at the end of Year 2. I hated the new school, and a few months later, my parents allowed me to spend a day at the old school which I had really enjoyed. The visit made me realise that the old school wasn't everything wonderful that I remembered. While I never loved the private school, that visit certainly made me settle better.

Definitely try to find out what it is that he is unhappy about - you may be able to work through it with the new teacher if you have a clear understanding.

Good luck with whatever you do. My eldest child is currently in a small public school, and he enjoys it so much and I have been so impressed by the staff and environment that I wouldn't move him for anything. At this age, a child's happiness in the school environment is as important, if not more so, than academic achievement.