[NannyZoe]

realised I had already posted....



This post has been edited by NannyZoe: 21/04/2011, 08:49 AM

[~mimo~]

*bump*

[Flutter Bug]

What did the cannibal do after he ate his girlfriend?

He dumped her.

[Born Slippy]

Did you hear about the ice-cream man?

He was found dead in his ice-cream van, covered in chocolate sauce and hundreds-and-thousands...

The police said that he had topped himself.

[Balto1]

An Englishman, and Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman says, "What's this? Some kind of joke?"

[RobotFerretOfDoo...]

Why are pirates awesome?
Because they Arrrrr.


Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?
So they can hide upside down in the custard.
Have you ever seen an elephant hiding upside down in custard? No?
Shows what a good disguise it is.



Two frenchmen are invited to a fancy dress party, with the theme "Emotions".
The host is stunned to open the door to find them on the doorstep, stark naked, one with a pear on his penis, and one with his penis in a jug of custard.
"What the hell are you???'" he asks.
The first replies (works best with strong French accent) "I am deep in despair"
And the second says, "Yes, and I am f*cking disgusted"

(deep in dis pear, f*cking dis custard)

[Tea~for~two]

Mrs Dunn's son disappeared 10 years ago and she never heard from him since. One of the men from the village was going out to 'see the world' so Mrs Dunn asked him to look out for her boy and tell him to write to her and let her know he was OK.

The man went on his way, and one day while waiting at a train station he remembered his promise. Turning around he saw a gentleman come out of the restrooms do he went up and asked him, 'Are you done?' Surprised, the man replied 'yes'.

"Then why don't you write to your mother???"

[suziej]

One I heard on the local ABC some years ago.

Three guys go into a bar. The bartender comes over to take their order and warned them "whatever you do, don't look at the bouncer. He's got no ears and is rather sensitive about it."

They all have a beer and one of them finally gets the courage and peeks towards the bouncer. Within seconds, the huge bouncer is at the table, demanding "What are you looking at?" to which the quick-thinking offending man replied "I was just admiring your teeth. You know, you have to look after your teeth, because if you don't look after your teeth, they'll all fall out and you would have to wear false teeth, which would be a pity as you have a fine looking set of teeth." The bouncer was happy enough with this answer, and the three men ordered another round of beers.

Drinking the second beer, the next man snuck a quick glance. Within seconds, the huge bouncer is at the table, demanding "What are you looking at?" to which the quick-thinking offending man replied "I was just admiring your hair. You know, you have to look after your hair, because if you don't look after your hair, it will all fall out, and you would have to wear a toupee, which would be a pity as you have a fine head of hair." The bouncer was happy enough with this answer, and the three men ordered another round of beers.

Drinking the third beer, the last man took a quick squiz. Within seconds, the huge bouncer is at the table, demanding "What are you looking at?" to which the quick-thinking offending man replied "I was just admiring your eyes. You know, you have to look after your eyes, because if you don't look after your eyes, your sight will deteriorate and you will have to wear glasses, which would be impossible in your case because you've got no ears to hold them up with!"

***

(I can't believe I have read through the whole thread and no-one has mentioned this next ones)

What do you get when you cross a sheep with a kangaroo?
A wooly jumper.

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
Holes all over Australia.

***

Oh, oh, oh - and

What is spotted and purple and has eight legs?
I don't know, but its crawling up your shoulder.

This post has been edited by suziej: 13/04/2012, 11:17 PM

[Kay1]

OMG DS1 is going to LOVE these!!

Which word is spelled incorrectly in the dictionary? Incorrectly.

What is the last thing to go through a grasshopper's mind when he hits your windscreen? His bum.

What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter, he won't come anyway.

[suzy-c]

More a cute kid story than a joke, but:

A toddler wanted to learn a knock knock joke, to tell the visitors. I suggested:

Knock knock
Who's there?
King
King who?
King Kong.

You have to start somewhere. Anyway, she went to the visitors and said:

Knock knock
(Who's there?)
KONG!
(Kong who?)
Kong Kong Kerdong-dong!!

There was much laughter, and she was very pleased with herself. I didn't think it was necessary to point out the error.