[diary~dad]

Care Factor
By Joseph Kelly

Recently I was introduced to a guy who works for one of the large automotive manufacturers. This particular employer has a generous parental leave section in its Enterprise Agreement which provides for several weeks leave for a parent. The only restriction on taking the leave is that it cannot be taken if another parent is concurrently taking leave to care for the children.

The man I met had a problem. His wife was expecting triplets. Triplets, it could well be argued, need more than one parent to care for them in the best of times. But in this particular circumstance the expectant mother had an underlying medical condition that her doctors had told her would require her to convalesce for a substantial period following the birth of the children. The doctors even provided a medical certificate to this effect.

No problem so far - all the father needs to do is explain to his employer that he will be the sole carer for his children while his wife convalesces. Simple. Except, for his employer, it is not that simple. Applying the sort of logic that only exists in large Human Resources departments, the employer concluded that as the primary care-giver (i.e. the mother) was at home with the children then the father had no entitlement to paid parental leave. As helpfully explained by HR, the father was entitled to access his 10 days carers leave days to care for his wife, but the only other leave available to him was annual leave. It was HR's assessment that any time the father took off following the birth of his children would be to care for his wife, while she cared for their children.

As the advocate for this particular father I made a very simple point. I pointed out to HR that if it was the other way around, that the mother was applying for parental leave while her husband complied with a medical certificate and convalesced (say, for a back injury), then it would be unlikely we would be having this conversation. The high level of thinking applied by HR practitioners does not respond well to hypotheticals. The matter is now being referred to Fair Work Australia for resolution.

What the above illustrates is the double standard that is applied to issues of parenting. Ideally, each parent should be viewed equally, each individually capable of nurturing and sustaining their children, each in their own right a "primary care-giver". There have been some very subtle moves in this direction. For example, we no longer refer to maternity leave but rather the gender neutral 'parental leave'. But there is a traditional bias that suggests that while it's great that dads sometimes help out around the house, as they do not go through birth and do not breast feed, they will always be 'the other parent'.

And it's not limited to child care. Last week I had an argument with yet another large HR department. This time a male employee had taken time off to care for his critically ill brother. His request for carers leave was denied. Why? It was HR's considered opinion that the ill brother should have been cared for by his mother.

When it comes to parenting, are dads 'Goose' to mum's 'Maverick'? Do we, as a society, believe that men are not as capable of providing primary care as women?

This post has been edited by diary~dad: 25/05/2010, 12:36 PM

[Kylie Orr]

Hi Joe

Ridiculous! This is the reason I got out of HR. They too often apply policies and forget there are HUMANS involved.

Men as primary care givers are certainly as capable, aside from the boob thing. I have noticed my husband has slightly different priorities to me (doesn't mind if the 18mo's nappy is hanging between his legs after being worn and peed in for the entire day) but also makes incredible commitment to teaching the children football theme songs and has them share his appreciation for fresh basil in cooking! Love and care comes in many different formats.

Hope your colleague can sort out the mess with HR and be home to care for his wife and triplets.

Cheers,
Kylie.

[diary~dad]

Thanks Kylie,

I'm currently at home with 12-month-old Rita - when she wakes I'll try the footy theme song and let you know how i get on!

Joe

[bubless]

The equally ridiculous thing about this situation is that assuming your friend's wife went back to work after a period, he would presumably remain entitled to parental leave and they would have to pay it. It's not like by refusing it now they are saving themselves any money.

I was a bit concerned about the title of your blog today, although I'm glad to see that the topic didn't bear out in the way I had thought.

Good article too - I am increasingly frustrated by blithe new dads at work who don't give a second thought to how having kids will affect their career. I guess I had hoped that more of them might explore parental leave and part-time options. Each to their own decision of course, but I know that a decision for me to have kids (as a woman) is not going to be so easy!

[Matthias' mum]

The double standards are very frustrating. My husbands boss (female) works from home one day a week, as she has two young children. My husband has asked if he can do the same, and she just laughed at him! He does get to work from home very occasionally, but there's really no reason why he couldn't make it a regular event. He logs on to work every night any way!

[kpingitquiet]

It's all a bit ridiculous. I fully expect my husband to change diapers, feed, wash, nurture, and care for our future child in much the same way I will, with subtle style differences. He expects no less of himself. If he did any less than what any parent should do...then why would I need a husband? Why would our child need a father? He pulls his weight with the household and with our two 25kg dogs (In fact, I'd say he pulls more than his weight with the mutts!). I can't even imagine him doing less for his own flesh and blood.

Neither of us will be the primary caregiver. We will be parents. More families should have this attitude. And more employers should make it a possibility.

[johntanya]

As a father of two wonderful boys it has been my upbringing and particular to my mum and dad is how I raise my children. I could not imagine being part of their upbringing. I love the fact I can help them get ready for school, wash their clothes, change their nappies, cuddle them at night when they have bad dreams or bathing them. Fathers are as caring as mothers, in some circumstances more. I took 6 weeks annual leave to help my wife after the birth's of both boys. I was lucky in the respect that my employers at the time allowed this.

It is a generational issue that needs to be addressed. Are men as caring as women? In the eyes of my peers and society, they are. You see in the shopping centres fathers carrying their children on their shoulders, shopping with them etc. It is a great thing to witness. You do get the odd comment from older people in their 60's, 70's and 80's that fathers should work and mothers should be raising the children. I would only imagine how their children were brought up!! HOWEVER, the workplace is still back in the 1950's era of mentality where the men go to work and the woman stays home with childrearing. This reflects on most human resource policies. In Australia, were are just getting the paid maternity leave where other countries (i.e. Canada) have had it for a while.

I have no doubt in the future, men (in the eyes of government and corporations) will be seen as a caring and nurturing individual whereby the inequalities will be addressed. As a male nurse and now student midwife, I have seen first hand many of my male colleagues just how caring they can be. It isn't gender that determines how caring, it is our upbringing and personal experiences that determine it.

[nicka]

I have no doubt that fathers can be just as nurturing as mothers, but it upsets me that so many fathers either choose not to get involved or use p*ss-weak excuses to not take more parenting responsibility. I get sick of hearing fathers say “I have to work full-time” – er, no, you choose to work full-time.

When my now 4yo son was 1yo and my wife was returning to work part-time, I reduced my hours from 5 days to 4 days per week. I then dropped to 3 days per week after the birth of our second son. My boss told me that I obviously didn’t care about my career and could say bye-bye to a promotion. And you know what? This is the same situation that working women also face.

I wish more dads would man-up and have the guts to put their jobs on the backburner for a few years and provide a stronger parenting / role model for their young kids. It took me a while to accept that working part-time and parenting part-time is a valuable (although unpaid) role.

I think so many men choose not to parent as it’s much easier to sit back and criticise their wife’s parenting skills while using the excuse of being the main income earner as being SO much harder.

On the maternity leave issue, my employer also has a “parental” leave policy that allows either parent to take parental leave, on the basis that their partner is not also on parental leave at the same time (irrespective of the employer). I made an enquiry into accessing this leave – basically I had to be the primary care-giver in the first 3 months of the child’s life. Hhhmmm, bit difficult when my wife was caring for a newborn and breastfeeding. She certainly wasn’t planning to go back to work at that stage. Basically my employer offers maternity leave and has re-labelled it “parental” leave, although it’s going to next to impossible for any father to access it. Why should my employer’s offer of parental leave be in any way dependent on my wife’s contract of employment with another employer? I guess it’s because my employer wants to claim that it offers parental leave that it actually has no intention of offering to fathers.

I would really like to see shift in attitudes to working parents that:

a) It is OK for anybody (parents included) to work part time if they choose to, it is not solely up to a mother to give up paid work to raise a family.

b) It is OK for fathers to take an active role in raising a family.

c) It is not acceptable for fathers to claim they have to work full-time and therefore do not have to parent.

d) It is OK to give up some working hours and material goods to spend time with your family, your value is not linked to your income/assets, it is linked to the positive role you provide to your kids.

[halcyodays]

Most employers do as nicka says- only one parent can take "parental leave" at a time, and has to be within the first 3 months of the child's birth. Nothing to count for the woman's recovery after giving birth. I'm sure some women just bounce back, but most take a couple of weeks to get over the fatigue and soreness. And if you have a Caesarian, then a bit longer, but it still counts as "parental leave" not "sick leave". Probably the only time you don't get sick leave after a major operation.

I think men are as caring as women- it is more that society encourages them to seek power, wealth and prestige by working outside the home, and mocks any man who chooses the sacrifice and drudgery that caring often entails.

[hannahthompson]

That is depending on the situation. In many cases men proved better than women.