[Tesseract]

How do you cope when you have different ideas about child rearing to your Mum and MIL when they look after your children regularly?

When DD was younger and I was at home with her it didn't matter that they thought I was a crazy hippy, I would just smile and nod and do things my own way. Now they have her 3 days a week (childcare 2 days) - that's more than me/DH who only get weekends!

Examples of some of the ways we differ: I prefer to let DD explore her environment or play with one or two toys that are developmentally appropriate (ie at 14 months she likes taking things in and out), I find this keeps her calm and engaged and extends her skills; MIL on the other hand gets out 25 plastic pieces of crap that make awful noises and waves them all in DDs face until she gets overwhelmed. In regards to my Mum, she is constantly hovering over DD 'teaching' her how to play with the toy ie putting the block in the hole for her and then DD just pushes it in; now DD has given up on trying to find the right hole and just hands the block to me to do! And they both shower her in mindless "good girl!" which drives me nuts.

Ok I am sleep deprived and clearly sensitive, that's why I'm coming to EB for a bit of perspective. (Am I asking for a whippin' here?!?)

I am not wanting them to just leave her alone, but I want them to be sensitive to her need to explore without boundaries. Especially at this age I want them to verbally engage with her about what she is doing rather than just saying over and over "now put it in here, clever girl!!"

DD hasn't really started tantrums yet but I imagine if/when they do start this will be another issue. I obviously want to go with distraction and comfort rather than mocking and isolation, but they think is is the best way to 'discourage the behaviour'. Note Mum and MIL are very loving and gentle, but that generation's approach to negative emotions is different to modern thinking I guess.

But how on earth do I explain this without sounding freaking nuts? How do i broach the subject without sounding like im preaching and pontificating and telling them how to suck eggs? I realise many people on EB are going to think I'm nuts for not wanting to shower my kid in mindless praise. But that's not really the point, my point is how do I cope with this? Should I try to get them on board with our approach, or should I just appreciate the help and shut up? The couple of times I have tried to bring up the subject they either agree with me and don't change anything, or they just tell me that my concerns don't mean anything, that it doesnt matter. Either way they are not really hearing what I'm saying and I wonder if they really could because it would require a major rethinking of their fundamental view of raising children.

Thoughts?

[Belle~Vie]

Irritating as it is, I'd just ignore it, if they're anything like my family (& IL's) then they're not going to change.

My Mother has VERY different parenting approaches, in fact I knew even in my childhood that I would most definitely NOT follow her example.

MIL also has a very different style & views in regards to parenting which DH disagreed with growing up.

We parent our kids as WE see best. Our kids are amazingly awesome little people & we're so proud of them. They're clever, well adjusted, confident & creative, I think we're doing a great job so we just try block out the noise & nonsense from others

ETA: I have tried to explain our reasons & methods to MIL & Mother dearest, have demonstrated repeatedly how they work, but they're set in their ways. Don't want to see reason & will often just criticise simply because it's not 'their way', hence no point in discussing it with them.

At the end of the day we're just happy that they are in their lives. If it's not hurting your child then let them be.

This post has been edited by Belle~Vie: 19/04/2012, 01:01 PM

[BadCat]

I would let it slide.

They are unlikely to change. They raised their kids and presumably did OK with it so they are more than likely to roll their eyes, say sure thing, and go on their merry way.

I doubt it's worth the hassle. I know getting it "right" can be all consuming when they are tiny but your child will probably turn out much the same either way.

[bakesgirls]

I think you can tell them what you would like done, but can't force it. If you are not happy with what they are doing then you always have the option of putting her into daycare. I think they are both doing you a massive favour by agreeing to care for your DD whilst you are at work. At the end of the day she is with people that love her and want the best for her.

My mother does things differently to what I do, but she cares for my children for free. She loves them, they are well looked after and they love being with her. I just put up with it, as ultimately nothing she does harms them.

[steppy]

As someone who has spent a lot of time raising someone else's children, I have to say that my perspective on this is ... if you aren't paying, you don't really get a right to dictate what they do. I wouldn't bother saying anything much and pick your battles on these issues - I'm sure they are providing you with an extremely valuable child care option - not a perfect one, but a valuable one. I would be careful not to queer it if they are mostly doing a good job.

[FeeGee]

I think you have some great ideas and you shouldn't give up on your preferred way of parenting. Rather than trying to get MIL and Mum to change (they probably won't!) perhaps you can show them in a really positive way how you like to do things with your DD, and talk up the benefits of doing those things that way. Then they can try to incorporate them into the way they play with DD. Have you got books or articles that you can share with them? Perhaps you can write up a list of activities they can use when caring for DD, including DD exploring toys by herself whilst being quietly supervised.

[Kay1]

I don't think you can change them. Suck it up or find a daycare or a nanny that fits with your parenting approach.

[tazcan]

I think you should just be grateful that your DD has two grandmother's who are clearly interested in her and want to spend time with her, and help to look after her 3 days a week (especially if you are not paying them to do so, but I don't know if you are or not). It will be insulting to try to tell them how to play and interact with your DD, and she will benefit from interacting wtih different types of people. She will also benefit from having close relationships with more adults than just her parents, and feel special as she gets older that so many people care about her. I wish my children had that.

[SarahM72]

If your relatives are minding your kids, IMO I really think you have to put up with their style of things. If you want a say in how people look after your child while he or she is away from you, I think you need to have paid childcare.

[fancie]

or should I just appreciate the help and shut up?

Yes.

Your baby will in the next few years come across a great many people with all sorts of approaches and interactions with her. She will cope.

If your mother's and MIL's ways upset you so much, then remove your baby from their care and place her in organised, structured care.

He who pays the piper calls the tune.