[Sherwes1]

I don’t really know where to start so please excuse the long post.

My precious son was born in Nov 2007 after several miscarriages/years of TTC. He was such an easy, settled baby who grew into a lovely toddler.

He was talking very well at an early age and was easy to toilet train. When he was just over 2 the wheels started to fall off. He started suffering recurrent ear infections, throat infections and also began sleeping poorly. After 12 rounds of antibiotics over a 12 month period he was finally diagnosed with glue ear and obstructive sleep apnea (due to his very large tonsils). After surgery – grommets in, tonsils and adenoids out – his sleeping and moods improved greatly although he was still a very challenging child.

Because of his recurrent illness and behavioural issues I took a redundancy from work in January last year so that he could have consistency of care (and discipline) with me. This was working quite well. Then he turned 4 in Nov last year and his behaviour deteriorated rapidly again.

Last week he started preschool and, seeing him with his peers, has really made me see how difficult and aggressive he really is. Generally I just find it so difficult to make him happy. He is totally unappreciative of anything that is done for him. It pains me to write this but I honestly think that he goes out of his way to a PITA. It has taken me a long time to work this out but I think that he feels a need to control everything and everyone around him.

Some examples:
- he went to day care Thurs and Fri at the end of last year and he would whinge and cry all week because he wanted to go. Then, when Thurs rolled around he would whinge and cry because he didn’t want to go. He would have a meltdown at drop off but then he refused to leave when I came to pick him up,
- swimming lessons, haircuts etc are a total nightmare,
- the preschool experience has been horrible – first day had a total meltdown when he couldn’t take his hand towel home and had to be carried out screaming. He didn’t even want the hand towel – the tantrum was because a rule was imposed upon him. Same experience today but in relation to the white sheet that the children are asked to bring for rest time. That tantrum lasted 25 mins and involved him trying to hit me and throwing his school bag at his sister.
- oddly he pretends not to know letters or numbers if we are playing reading or counting games.

I have tried the following:
- praising good behaviour – he just seems to sneer at this.
- time out – only works if I lock the door. Otherwise he likes the fact that I am holding the door shut (any attention is good attention).
- taking away toys – he cries a little and then composes himself pretends that he didn’t like the toy anyway.
- Star chart - this has been the most successful although only works whilst he is receiving stars for a specific behaviour.

I am constantly upset and on edge and can’t find much enjoyment in spending time with him. I am also so sad for him as I think that he is missing out on a lot of enjoyment in life. I would actually think that I was a hopeless parent if it wasn’t for my 2.5 year old who is generally very good and responds to the usual disciplinary techniques.

I'd really appreciate any advice (even if it's just "hang in there, things will get better").

[Bobsygirls]

What is his diet like? His behaviors sounds irrational so it makes me suspect additives or lack of good fats like saturated fats in butter, coconut oiletc and omega threes. It may not be diet but it made a huge difference for my five year old, fish oil supplements and GAPS, failssafe.
Weird question I know but what are hid bowel movements like does he ever get dhiarrea / constipation regularly?

Please excuse spelling typos on phone

This post has been edited by Bobsygirls: 14/02/2012, 08:40 PM

[Frau Farbissina]

DS is 4, and also has some of the same behaviours you describe. All I can offer is that a) I can sympathise, and b) I think as they get older, they mature so that while their personality strengths which make their behaviour sometimes difficult to deal with now, in the future they will be better able to control themselves, their feelings and their outbursts while maintaining that tenacity and spirit... at least this is what I keep telling myself!!! Fingers crossed!! all the best

[Jenflea]

I'd take him to see a developmental paediatrician to rule out any underlying causes such as (I'm no expert so it's just an idea,) aspergers or autism. Your GP should be able to refer you I think.
They might also give you some techniques for handling him. My SiL has taken her nearly 4yr old to see one . Hopefully they'll be able to help with discipline ideas, because NOTHING works on her. She sounds similar to your son, meltdowns over minor things etc.

[Romeo Void]

I'll be watching for answers as my 3/12 yo is the same. (Vent first!) It's all about 'winning' with him. He cried when daddy said he is heading for the car so daddy offered for him to go with him. He said 'No'. Okay, then stay 'Nooooooo' (he starts crying). Alright come on then...DS sit on the floor in a huff...the minute DH starts for the door the crying amps up. This can go on indefinitely(we don't let it but we know from previous experience).

This happenes with all sorts of things to the point that I WANTED TO HURT HIM.

What I was reduced to was pretty much picking him up and forcing him to do what I want him too (and getting clobbered in the process). Last week I was nearly in tears as I was trying to get from dropping DD at school and had DS tricycle and DS's scooter in my arms. DS decided to sit (in a huff) on the footpath and refuse to move. I tried to carry him but juggling the trike and scooter and my handbag nearly did my head in. One lovely lady came past and offered to help but I said no as my DS needs to see ME handle him, I can FEEL he's challenging me IYKWIM.

In another instance the other week, in desperation I bought a cheap $25 pram from Target to restrain him as punishment as he was sitting on the floor in the shopping centre and refusing to move. That worked well for a few days but he now loves the pram . If he misbehaves at home I put him in his room and hold the door shut (he wont stay). He hates this so pounds and kicks the door. If he throws things at the door I warn him that if he continues he'll get a smack. If he keeps going I open the door, give him a smack across his legs, then close the door again. I do this till he (crying) agrees to apologies.

Anyway I realized a little while ago that all our interactions were negative. Me telling him off, him needling me. The other day I challenged myself to spend the day focusing on him, and to be upbeat and 'playful'. It had a dramatic effect on DS. I realized we'd gotten into a tug of war, sort of a negative feedback thing. Since then (this is pretty recent) I've tried REALLY had to keep this up, even in the face of his bad behavior. I give him a chance to come around with 'sweet talk' and after 3 goes I warn him mummy is getting cross and often he WILL capitulate. Not always, not when he's grumpy and tired, not when he's hungry, but more often than he used to. And I'm enjoying his company more.

(pp my DS is chronically constipated)

[baddmammajamma]

I was given some very good advice by a very well known, well respected psychologist in Sydney:

When a child's behavior gets to the point when it is really impacting their daily functioning/the functioning of the family, then it's time to get some professional support.

There is no reason that you should have to struggle through this on your own, wondering if your tactics are the right ones for your son or not knowing if there are other forces in play.

I would encourage you to go to your GP and ask for the name of a good child psychologist (or ask mums in your area who are 'in the know'). You don't need a GP referral to book, but if you get one, you will be able to claim back some of the costs.

The best thing we can do here is to offer suggestions of has worked for OUR children. But we aren't professionals, and we don't know YOUR child. Having a good professional in your corner -- someone who is focused on your family's dynamics and your son's specific profile -- can be a godsend.

It might be that your son is just a really challenging kid, and you need a different set of parenting tools than the ones you have now in order to manage his behavior. Or there could be other issues in play. You won't be able to uncover any of those without professional guidance (e.g. psychologist and/or developmental paed). It never hurts to look into diet as well.

Good luck. I've been there, it sucks. I would have been lost but for the great support of some really fabulous professionals.

[Sherwes1]

Thanks so much for replying.

Bobsygirls - He is a great eater and his poos are fine. However, I have been doing research into the Failsafe diet as I wonder if that has something to do with his behaviour. The other day he had a juice popper and went completely crazy - screaming, running around and actually jerking his arms and legs like he had lost control of them. Nothing I could do could calm him down for about 20 mins. The popper contained colour 163 and preservatives 202, 242 and 211. I want to start him on the Failsafe diet but his preschool actually provides all meals so I would need to arrange for him to eat different foods to the rest of the children and I am just not sure if this is a good idea given his difficulties fitting in anyway. What specific foods or additives did you find affected your child's behaviour? Was bad breath a symptom? My son has rotten breath despite good teeth brushing.

Frau Farbissina - I so agree that I don't want him to lose his tenacity and spirit. I think that these traits will serve him well in adult life. I just want him to stop deliberately being a PITA!

Romeo Void - I feel your pain. I also have to physically remove my son from situations once a meltdown has started. This is becoming more difficult as he is getting bigger and I am 7 months pregnant. I also feel like life with my son has become very negative. I have also smacked my son even though know that there are better ways to discipline him, he was never smacked until he was 3 and his sister is never smacked. I just wondered if a smack on the hand would shock him out of the bad behaviour. Instead it just taught him to smack his sister - parenting fail.

BMJ - I will PM you.

This post has been edited by Sherwes1: 15/02/2012, 09:34 AM

[Natttmumm]

Sounds like my DD who is also 4, when she is tired. If she is tired she is a total nightmare. Your child sounds very spiritied and challenging so I have to agree with the upbeat, positive talk etc mentioned helps with that. This works well with DD until she is tired. The other thing for us is too much stimulation. I know preschool 3 days per week and few small outings on the weekends is all she can manage without displaying the behaviour you have described. What is his schedule like? Can you try to maximise the time at home?

We saw a specialist and were reassured all was ok but we did get tips on how to cope ourselves. The specialist focused on us coping as parents rather than trying to change her as she felt this was the stage she was in at that moment. It did us the world of good and we did focus on her good points. We still have bad days and do leave most parties etc with her melting down but we manage better.

I think it would be worth getting some advice from a child psychologist

[Romeo Void]

The 'sweet talking' as I'm calling it is working to a degree...two steps forward one step back LOL. I think if he's still this difficult by the time he starts Kindy next year I will take him to see a psychologist, even if it's just for tips on ways to handle him.

20 minutes ago (it's late and he's tired) he got into trouble for whacking dad with a foam sword and was sent out of the room. Seconds later we hear a tearing noise and go to check, he's peeling all the dinosaur decals (that he loves) off the wall...in anger. I'm hiding at the computer practicing my deep breathing LOL.

[Natttmumm]

Deep breathing is good. Remember they model us. If we are negative and cranky they copy. DD has had a bad week but I realize so have I relating to extended family issues and work so I've dropped my guard and I can see she's back to her old hysterical ways. It's tough when kids are like this. I have one very easy child anyone spirited so I see both sides. I'm trying really hard to be upbeat and positive today! I hope you get some positive results too.
I'm on the computer practicing to take a step away from DD at the moment.