[papilio]

Haven't you already said that you are not going to see him again?

What sort of message are you sending him by seeing him on this occasion?

If you don't want to see him, or have your children exposed to him then don't. Simple.

A has no relationship with his father. I've never met him and neither have the children. It's a bit sad and it's a bit different because his parents are no longer together. A achieved this lack of relationship by simply not seeing him, not making contact with him. At all. He even went so far as to change his last name.

Now I know it's not quite the same, but what you need to do is the same, if you want less drama. You. just. don't. make. contact.

If this means that you don't see his mother, then so be it, if she is complicit with his behaviour then she has made that choice.

If your husband insists on making contact with them, then he has that right of course. If he is so immature as to go tit-for-tat then that says a lot about his character I guess.

You need to realise that the only person whose behaviour that you can control in any of this is your own. End of story.

If he really wants to take the kids and you honestly didn't feel that they'd be safe, I'd be considering the state of the relationship, that he would be willing to put them in a risky situation.

[GWTW]

Well I certainly think my DH is a wonderful person, he just is in a cycle of abuse that has been set up for over 30 years. I love him but I do wonder where his priority lies as the only time he really stood up to his dad was after he attacked DH but apparently it was ok for it to happen to me for the 10 years, it's only when he is personally attacked that it bothers him.

[papilio]

I'm not sure that I'd describe someone as wonderful if they condone their father attacking me.

[anon60]

I'm not sure that I'd describe someone as wonderful if they condone their father attacking me.

How about damaged? Browbeaten? deeply afraid of his father? Inside, still a frightened little boy?

[JRA]

I'm not sure that I'd describe someone as wonderful if they condone their father attacking me.
How about damaged? Browbeaten? deeply afraid of his father? Inside, still a frightened little boy?

Yes, but I would struggle to call my husband wonderful given what ZS has described.

If my husband does not want to support me when his father abuses me, well that is far from wonderful, and I would wonder where his priority and loyalty lies.

[papilio]

How about damaged? Browbeaten? deeply afraid of his father? Inside, still a frightened little boy?

Well, I've never met the man, but he could be all that. In ZS's case, as JRA says, at the end of the day, he's not being loyal to her.

[GWTW]

Having grown up in an abusive household I understand how hard it is for my DH to stand up for me. He is a wonderful person but he has his demons. I agree he should not be allowing his father abuse me and as I said, I would not have married him if I knew I would not get his support.

My DH's interactions with his families improved 1 million times since we have worked hard on it. But breaking those patterns are not easy. On the whole though, I do admit to feeling unsupported by my DH.

[purplekitty]

If my husband does not want to support me when his father abuses me, well that is far from wonderful, and I would wonder where his priority and loyalty lies.

For me it would be time to draw that line in the sand.
I would not expose my children or myself to that toxic environment even if my husband could not stay away.

[Catolyn]

I'm sorry you're going through this ZS, it sounds awful.

I have to agree with what Astraea posted. If you don't want yourself and your children exposed to that rubbish, then make sure that you aren't. In the end, that's all you really have control over. You can't change your husband or his family. It's a shame he won't consider more counselling - it sounds like he's still not ready to accept the truth of how abusive his family really is.

[Curly Wurly]

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This post has been edited by Curly Wurly: 06/10/2011, 10:25 PM