[Lokum]

Wow. As someone who can't wait to start TTC in the next couple of months, I found this thread kind of terrifying

Well, you know what? Now you know some bad, scary, crazy sh*t can happen in labour/birthing. Hopefully it won't - in plenty of cases it doesn't. But it MIGHT, and whether you're a good or bad person, or did your research, or chose your caregiver carefully, it MIGHT happen.

And then you recover. Physically, and from the shock. Having a beautiful newborn usually helps most people push it aside. If you didn't have the newborn, sure, it would be unbelievably crap... but thank goodness we usually do get to take a baby or two home, which is why people go back for more. Good luck with TTC, and don't waste effort worrying about something you can't do much about.

[*molly*]

Thanks Lokum, I really appreciate that!

This post has been edited by mina_murray: 31/03/2012, 05:51 PM

[JBaby]

For me it was a case of being informed about the possibilities and options beforehand but not having fixed expectations about what was going to happen. I had hopes but not expectations. Neither of my births went as I would have liked, but I was prepared for that and therefore not devastated that I didn't get the experience I expected.

This. I was "traumatised" by my birth experience to the extent that I would not attempt labour again (will be scheduled c-sec next time). But at the same time, it was just one day of my life, one that I don't think about it, did not affect my bonding or post birth experience at all.

I was very well informed before going into labour and had wonderful (public system) care givers that I can not fault, so perhaps that is why I don't have any regrets or lingering negativity surrounding it.

I agree with the article about being informed etc, but I don't feel that placing some huge importance on how your labour goes is going to help women when things do go wrong (which does happen through no fault of the women or care givers).

Some reading I did pre-birth seemed to say that if YOU do all the right things then you will automatically have the transcendent all natural birth you want. That to me seems to be setting up some very unrealistic, unhelpful expectations.

Most women I personally know who have a difficult time dealing with their births were the ones who adamant about what they wanted and could not handle when the circumstances prevented things going according to their "plan".

[4joys]

I don't think you can make any generalized comments like that. For some women, it is just one day in their lives. For others it's not. Having or not having a birth plan/expectations etc works for some people, and not for others. It just depends what you are comfortable with.

I think that you have hit the nail on the head. One thing that makes us interesting, unique and human is that we all react differently in the same situation. Every individual reacts differently and every birth is unique.

Some women can leave their experiences at the door, some cannot, and that is OK.

What is not OK is the way that some women are treated both in the birthing room and after it. Its a time when a lot of us are at our most vulnerable and in some situations, we are harassed, bullied and cajoled into making decisions that we feel that we have no control over. In any circumstance, whether we are prepared for it or not, this is not OK.

I guess that I truly believe that the key to a good experience is having a sense of control over it. I am not saying that this will immunise you against bad experience, because they are a part of life. But saying that having "expectations" leads to disappointment seems a little pessimistic to me. Maybe the key is to have well researched, educated, realistic and achievable expectations.

FWIW from my experiences, the one where I "went with the flow" was the worst. I was a passenger on someone else's ride, because I had expectations, but no realistic plan in place to achieve them. I guess I could liken it to waking up one day and deciding that I was going to do a triathlon...I might be able to go with the flow and pull it off, after all I can run, bike ride and swim. Without preparation though, I open myself up to a whole list of complications which I am more likely to avoid with some preparation.

[Pooks*potters]

I think there is some confusion between the ideas of a traumatic birth and a birth where there were complications. A natural, 'easy' birth might be traumatic. A complicated, emergency-situation birth might not be traumatic. I am beginning to suspect that that's where some of the problems are in this discussion for me. 'Traumatic' is in the eye of the beholder only. I don't really understand PPs saying 'well all of these things went pear shaped but I went with it'. Then, ok, it might have been difficult but it wasn't traumatic if you weren't traumatised by it... I had zero complications but am completely traumatised by my experience. No one is saying that a birth where things went ugly= problems down the track. They are saying that a birth in which the woman giving birth is traumatised by the experience causes problems down the track.

Does that make sense? I'm pretty sleep deprived

[soontobegran]

I think there is some confusion between the ideas of a traumatic birth and a birth where there were complications. A natural, 'easy' birth might be traumatic. A complicated, emergency-situation birth might not be traumatic. I am beginning to suspect that that's where some of the problems are in this discussion for me. 'Traumatic' is in the eye of the beholder only. I don't really understand PPs saying 'well all of these things went pear shaped but I went with it'. Then, ok, it might have been difficult but it wasn't traumatic if you weren't traumatised by it... I had zero complications but am completely traumatised by my experience. No one is saying that a birth where things went ugly= problems down the track. They are saying that a birth in which the woman giving birth is traumatised by the experience causes problems down the track.

Does that make sense? I'm pretty sleep deprived

It makes perfect sense pookem85.

I honestly don't believe any one of us can truly be prepared for our first labour and delivery.
We read other people's accounts of their experiences, we go to classes, we read until we can read no more but the reality is often vastly different to our expectations.
I don't think we can prepare for the pain. I know some people are pleasantly surprised, others like myself was overwhelmingly shocked that my own body could create so much pain for itself.

I had been attending women in labour for years when I had my own, I couldn't be more educated, informed and what I thought to be prepared but I wasn't.
It was nothing like I imagined, the pain to me was brutal and it did indeed traumatise me to the extent I looked at my perfect baby girl after she was born and wondered whether she was worth it.

I do understand pookem because so many people feel as you do. There doesn't have to be something that went wrong, there doesn't have to be someone that did something wrong to you it is quite simply very shocking to many people just how we have so little control over the way our body labours.

It took me a couple of days to adore my child and think she was worth it, it took me until I was pregnant again to forget the pain and be actually looking forward to doing it again.
Second time was so much better...no surprises and it did in fact help counteract the 'trauma' of the first time.
As I said previously it took very little time after our family was complete to regret that I wasn't going to be able to do it again.....go figure

Subsequent labours weren't less painful, I just wasn't so gobsmacked by the pain.

[ShortAndStout]

Something that my antenatal teacher said has stuck with me - we were talking about birth plans, expectations etc, and she said along the lines of, it's not whether you have the birth you were hoping for, but whether you feel that you were respected and treated with dignity.
For me that was certainly true - many aspects of my pregnancy and birth were traumatic, but the thing that bothers me is how I was treated by two of the postnatal staff.

[kiwilisa]

My children are now 2 and 4 and I think about their births all the time. They were both incredible and amazing experiences. I was one of 'those' people who researched and read everything. I did Calmbirth, epi-no, wrote a detailed 'birth preferences' document and insisted on having an active labour and physiological 3rd stage. My 1st was born in POW Private in Sydney and my 2nd under private care in a public hospital in NZ. I was lucky enough to get everything I wanted. I had doctors and midwives that respected my preferences and took them seriously. I KNOW I was lucky. I believe giving birth changed me and I don't want to forget the feelings I had at the time. It DOES happen. Birth isn't always horrendous. I would love to give birth again, but don't think I'm up to having a 3rd child to look after!