Posted by MichelleM, 16/06/2012, 12:35 AM
because I can't seem to find the right words out loud and even if I did I don't want to burden anyone.
So it's over but everyone knew that, hell I told everyone that, had done for months. But after my massively pathetic final bid for reconciliation in April which was shot down and made about his heartache about the whole situation it was absolutely, positively plain to see OVER.
I have so much pent up in me but I can't get it out, the feelings are there but I can't put words to them. It's so hard to explain because the feelings I have seem so perfectly clear and valid and the questions that come with those feelings are also quite concise - when I'm doing the dishes or vacuuming but the minute I try to talk to some one, or even him, they come out as a jumble and don't even make sense to me listening to myself talk.
It is so clear in my head that I don't want to reconcile, no matter how my heart feels there would be no chance of a proper relationship when there would be no trust and there would be no chance of a relationship because he would never be interested anyway - I suppose I have to say all that as a disclaimer as such, as much as I feel heartbroken, empty, sooo lonely and lost, angry and hurt and without any understanding of how (not why, I understand why) I don't want him back, of course I want to turn back time and have the chance to rectify any fledgling problems we had before it all turned to sh*t but I don't want him, him as he is now, him as the person who hurt me, back.
But I have so many questions that keep me up at night or strike me unprepared when I'm doing those dishes or vacuuming or whatever and not thinking about much at all.
Why did he not walk away when I first discovered his affair? I gave him so many outs the 12 months we lived together afterwards, so many times without anger I suggested that if she made him so happy that he should go to her but he reassured me so many times that he loved me and chose our marriage. Even after he left before he went to her the first time, he continued to tell me that he wanted me and us, why when clearly he didn't? Why did he tell our friends that he really wanted us to be together? Why hurt me over and over again?
But not only the why - how - how could be hurt me over and over again? And when he's sitting in his home and talking to her all loved up, how can he just switch me off - how did I go from being with him almost every night of our marriage, being his friend and lover, being the person that grew up with him to becoming The Ex and the mother of his kids and that's it? Did he really think that little of me that I am now just a nobody?
Stupidly, oh so stupidly I tried to ask some of these questions tonight at handover. I'm shaking my head because what is came out like was I don't believe we are really over, how can you not love me anymore and how could you choose her over me. Which in fact are probably all quite valid but certainly not where I was going. I come across pathetic and love sick and you know what, I probably am, in fact I am.
Ahhhh I hate this because only today I was thinking about how together I was feeling, no longer wanting to cry every time I see him but I think because I was acting like less of a psycho and more together that he thought I was getting over it and we were being more friendly to each other in general. It doesn't help that we both go to Josh's football games I have to see him eleventy billion other times through out the week. Which of course without even realising I was falling back into old habits expecting to see him, doing stuff as a family etc but we're not! The kids and her are his family now. It snuck up on me and I hate that. I hate feeling like sh*t. I hate myself for feeling like this and I hate him for this too.
How many times do I have to tell people that yes I totally do take some blame for the downfall of our relationship, of course I know my shortcomings as a wife and friend and OMG do I wish I could have realised these much sooner than after the fact. But ultimately HE did this. He chose to leave me without any heads up to try to work on our relationship, he wasn’t exactly perfect husband material himself, not that you would know, according to friends he has told them that he is happy to wear that the relationship ended because of his affair but he will always know the truth about what actually did happen - well good on him but I'd love some insight on what the **** did happen?
So yes I do blame him for the sh*tty road my life is headed and yes I'm totally jealous that he has found the love of his life and that things are rosey for him. Yes I'm jealous that he can fund another overseas trip right now where as I have to consider very carefully if I can afford the gas bill for heating versus the kids going cold. And to be honest I can't afford the gas bill but Isabella is sick for the first time in years and the antibiotics that she was put on was freakn expensive so can I afford for her to not get better and need more medication and not have warmth?
And yes I get totally jealous that he gets to do really fun things with the kids and buys them so much stuff on weekends where as I do the boring weekday bullsh*t, always rushing from school to dancing to football etc and copping the fees for each and saying no to take away which would totally make my life easier but the guilt that would follow with Isabella who is getting bigger and bigger and I don't know why because I am trying so hard not to feed her sh*t not to mention that I simply can't afford to spend $30 - $40 in one meal and be the bad guy once again telling the kids that no they can’t have that super-sized creamy/chocolately/lolly filled piece of sh*t drink because it's unhealthy when Dad always lets them have dessert or whatever.
And sure, I'm not looking for a guy at the moment but the thought of not being able to have a companion, someone to share the load, not even logistically but someone I can just talk to about stuff with for the next 14 years is just so unfair. Why can he have this, why can he introduce her to the kids and not have worry about any fall out but I have to. Yes I have to because I'm the mother, I get that, it would totally kill Joshua at the moment and I wouldn't do it for that reason alone but when he took himself away from me, took his companionship and friendship from me he also took any chance of me having this again for years. I am supposed to kill of a part of me until the kids are securely grown up and moved on? And yep I'll admit that I am so damn lonely, even for touch., not romantically but by anyone who actually cares for me. I haven't been touched, except by the kids and even then it's a begrudging hug as they run out the door, for over a year. The loneliness physically hurts. I ache to wake up to someone with their arms around me, someone to hug me because they want to or to comfort me when the kids are sick or hurting, someone to hold my hand when I hear a noise at night.
I feel like a kid but it's just so ****ing unfair. Even Scarlett who I thought was too young to shoulder any of the blame today said to me that Daddy moved out because her and the other two were too naughty. I didn’t think it was possible for my heart to break even more but it did. Forget the money, forget the simple home owner things I've had to learn how to do, forget the parenting issues that seem to be never ending, it is so unfair that I am faced with heartbroken kids so I ask again, how could he just throw it all away on someone he had never met and who lives in a different country?
I just needed to get that out. And it hasn't helped. I'm sure one day things will be better. I have absolutely no idea how to make that possible, I'm hoping it just happens but not holding out hope.